looking for magic in SoHo

at first i felt angry about all the joys that were taken from me: iced mochas, chai, roti, fried goodness, drinking, smoking, the other smoking, melted cheese, instant coffee. uffff!!!! then i came to accept that this was some kind of purification, to make this body-temple better cleansed to serve the soul it houses. a clearer channel, a cleaner instrument. okay, i can live with that. there is still an outsideness to that. that i am here to serve a purpose outside of me, bigger than me. a sacrifice, perhaps. and i may have become resigned to yet resentful of this spiritual calling. a consolation that God cares about me enough to purify me, but not fully excited to serve this purpose because of the "sacrifices" it compels, without my input on the matter.

walking around in SoHo today, another thought occurred to me. i spent about 2 hours exploring the stores - dept and boutique - on Broadway between Spring and Canal streets. at first i was looking for the New York City magic in those stores, in the flurried crowds all flashing fake gold and big bling. in the funky, kitschy style that is pure New York. but then the old feelings returned. nauseated by the materialism it surfaced in myself, all the clothes and shoes started to look stupid and ugly and meaningless. they started to look like props in a play i had seen before. there was no magic here. just stuff. a lot of stuff that people don't need, but it was made, and then the desire for it was created. and i get sucked in, every time. it takes a little less time each turn though, to zoom back out and see through it, to come back to my self. i left the stores. i didn't need more stuff. i have plenty of beautiful clothes and shoes for this beautiful mad city.

then i felt free. i could just walk around, see anything, do anything, because i had no agenda anymore. i didn't "need" to get boots or anything to get outfitted for the cold. what i had on me was enough for the weather today. and what awaits me - the future colderness of new york, as well as more warm and beautiful clothes and boots and scarves in boxes in seattle - will hopefully all come together in the same time. today i will only pursue what i need today.

it was about that time in the almost-shopping/exploring spree when i would have sat down at a cafe - with my sister or a friend or my cellphone. we would be exhausted, weighed down with bags, and need a place to rest and recharge. to connect with real human beings. to have a sweet treat or the familiar comfort of a decked up coffee drink. but the caffeine is not so good for me, or the sugar and dairy for that matter. i didn't have bags but i was tired, and alone. and there was no cafe that could make me feel significantly better, because of the other ways it would harm me. that was when i became more free. i realized, all the vices that were taken from me, have left me with no escape routes. no easy comfort, no filling in for home in a new city where i am not yet rooted. all i had was me. home was in my heart was in my body.

with that, i finally left Soho. it's not that i won't seek home in cozy cafes or iced drinks anymore. but i will know the difference between seeking comfort and finding home. you can't get everything you want all the time or even most of the time. but when what you seek is in your heart, there is real comfort in knowing that it is accessible, it is here. in stillness and rest, i find myself whole, and enough.

body home / home body

"i stand on the railing poised to fall
balanced on the edge of the dividing wall
i fear not the death that fear all
it is life that terrifies my soul..."

i first read this poem/lyrics excerpt when i was around 13 or 14. i don't know who wrote it. it settled into my consciousness deeply. it was true for a long time. about wanting to escape life, to not live.

these 4 lines are ringing inside my head non-stop today. but why? i have never wanted more to be alive. it has taken me this long, most of 29 and three-quarter years of life to come to this feeling. i have drifted, been unconscious, been slapped into alertness by life, made choices, made mistakes, fucked it all up, and finally started to awake and eventually, to create. in order to begin to heal, i have had to face the extent of my trauma. the process of healing feels deathly painful, and i suppose the spiritual philosophers would say that it is a dying of sorts. it is the death of what is toxic, what holds us back, what we can't let go of. and there is no way out but through it.

my current learnings are to stay in my body no matter what is going on. my demon is dissociation. i was shown how i used it to survive, and now i'm ready to let it go. but feeling all your feelings hurts so bad! no wonder i want to escape. but the power of staying, is to not abandon myself. if i can't be present with and accepting of all my feelings, i find myself seeking to fill that void in other ways. that just leaves more emptiness. i am ready to fill up my own body with my spirit, my being, being here.

i always said i suck at meditation. i was frustrated because i thought i couldn't do it. but then april laughingly said it was a lesson in failing over and over, and it changed everything. i can do that! or at least, i'm willing to do that if that's what it is, if that's what it takes. coming back from dissociation is no different. i leave, i catch myself thinking and gone, i breathe, i come back softly. and before i know it, i've left again, but again, i notice, and i come back.

leaving seattle. going to new york. in 3 days.

now that i've decided to live in my body full-time, i have never been more ready to be in a place that is so electric, with a strong heartbeat. i am ready to walk, taste, smell, touch it all. i am ready to dance. no actually i am craving it. my toes are tingling often. i feel like i'm coming out of the sick bay into the world again.

have you noticed that the sun has been shining for me all week? i have. and i have loved it back with my eyes, my smile, wide open arms and gasping for sunshine flavored air.

i stand on the railings poised to fly. i leave nothing behind. it/they/you are all in my heart, in my body, in who i've become here. thank you.