Why I haven't been blogging daily (and yet I still like myself)

Sometimes I feel bad that I made the commitment to blog daily for 2014. Because -

1. It makes me feel like I made a hasty, grand commitment, then forgot about it.

// my inner voice shouts - No! i had (have) a sincere intention, but i've been so overwhelmed and frozen on public writing.

     2.  It was not a SMART goal. Daily blogging?? When I haven't been writing for months??? Clearly not Attainable / Realistic.

// inner voice - well, that's real. Because blogging makes me feel connected to the world, and is a practice that nourishes me, i thought that the early days would be hard but soon i'd get into a groove that would make me feel great and purposeful. but, this sounds like "hindsight is 20/20". So, this is the nature of practice. i learned by doing (or failing to do). 

    3. I should keep my lofty intentions to myself, and when I've manifested them all, then I can proudly reveal to the world!

// inner voice - yeah, right. that sounds SMART (did i mention my inner voice is a funny bitch?). if there's one thing i've learned from Resource Generation and Maya Angelou, it's that nobody, but nobody, can make it out here alone. Sitting in a hole secretly working on big goals is not realistic or a pleasant experience. Fear of public "failure" is what drives that kind of behavior. It's also the pressure that we have no room to fail, or we will be judged and discarded. Our imperfections will become visible. But I am trying to love my imperfections as much as I try to love yours. 

And this, my friends, is why it's helpful to name our fears. I started this post to share with you all where my sincere intention came from, to be accountable to why I haven't been blogging daily. But in writing things out, and giving both my internal judgements and resisting voices equal space, I feel much more grounded in the human effort of it all. I'm trying.

I won't say I'm trying my best yet, but that's the nature of practice too. We try a little, build the muscle, try a little harder, more confidently next time. As you'll see from above, my inner voice got chattier and louder and more confident. So much of writing is not about writing, it's about working out your issues! We all have internal voices that speak judgmentally or lovingly to us, and honestly, the difference is not so stark sometimes. Sometimes we don't know which voice to trust. If you don't know, here's a piece of advice - Do you know what being loved feels like in your body? Try to learn to recognize that feeling. The relaxing, a breath of light that flows, I can feel my heart smile in the same moment that I can feel my toes squirm with energy. I recommend you trust the voice that makes your body open towards the light.

I modify my daily blogging commitment to this - A daily blogging intention. Currently, I'm working out i.e. building the muscle that gets me there. Sometimes that muscle involves writing an email or in my journal, sometimes it require other practices (like lying down, or talking to a friend about the struggle, or crying), and sometimes it requires space and patience (which can look like staring at my blog).

Clear seeing: Acceptance of Truth and your True Self

We do not become anything overnight. We are who we are, and our essence is always waiting to be uncovered, to be freely expressed in the world.

Extreme situations are catalysts that can bring our best and worst selves to life. In fact, they bring the potential for both. So, if you have enough awareness to make an intentional choice, choose your best self. Choose forgiveness, healing, and love. Everything else will take you away from your own health and happiness.

Only love is real. All barriers to love are defenses and illusions - hate, prejudice, anger, judgement, fear.

Hate, Prejudice and Judgement are all the same feeling along a spectrum. Don't hate, don't judge. When we do that, we are closing ourself off to someone or something. We can disagree, but when we hate, we engage with that person karmically. We take their actions personally. It is very hard to have a zoom-out level of the situation once we are personally triggered. It is best to maintain a safe distance and see what is happening as that - what is happening, what the other person is doing. Keep a protective energetic shield around yourself, and stay in the picture with the energy of love and compassion. Don't give up either - in your heart, whether you materially engage with the situation or not. Energetically, you can always radiate love.

Anger stems from unmet expectations. Try to be aware of that, and let go of expectations. Then you can see other people more clearly for being who they are - imperfect beings on a journey, trying the best we know to get our needs met and to be happy.

Most people live in a lot of fear all the time without being aware of it. Fear of getting hurt, fear of pain, fear of people's reactions or judgements, fear of people being mad at us for something we did or didn't do, fear of failing, fear that our innermost feelings about our goodness and our immense potential are not actually true, fear of living, fear of expressing ourselves, fear of life and all its unknowns, fear of death, fear of making the wrong choice. Fear is a very draining energy. Brian Weiss says "fear blocks understanding", which blocks our gut from communicating with us, from guiding us in a strong and pure way.  Try to recognize it when it happens, and see that there is truly nothing to be afraid of (unless you are in a situation where your physical safety is at risk, in which case use all protective safety-planning measures). Try being free. Try to let go of what people think, and follow internal truth. It may lead to greater openings for all. And that's a risk, for you, and because it threatens the status quo. Choose true freedom - from expectations and obligations.

Accept people as they are. This will help you accept and love yourself as you are.

Accept yourself, know yourself. This will help you accept others as they are.

Re-committing to Joy

So, here we are, January 11, week 2 of the new year. Exactly the perfect time to start launching those resolutions, or watering the seeds of intentions we planted.

i'm not sure why i'm writing about this topic, in the sense, i'm not sure what i have to say about it. But it's a topic that keeps bursting into my mind to be explored via writing.

i've been thinking about joy a lot. Life is always beautiful and hard. This has not changed for me. So, in an effort towards balance, i want to nourish the joy as much as i respond to the hardness. It does not matter what is hard, each of us has our things, our challenges that are meant to grow and shape us. But for a few months, some specific dynamics in my life have caused me to experience a lot of grief, pain, and distress. And as i have given space to honor and feel these feelings, i have recently noticed that it has also left me more closed off, numb, and unable to feel a sense of hope.

There's so much wisdom out there about 1) the importance of feeling our feelings 2) the power of hopefulness 3) being okay with being with where you are.

Given these things, i sometimes feel conflicted about whether to stay in the hard feelings, or actively try to do something to shift them, and if so, what exactly that still honors my process and the time it takes to heal?

It has been very helpful, and comforting, to realize all the things i don't have control over (like other people's choices). And, i do believe that there are steps we can take to reclaim our capacity to feel joy. One of them, is to remember the importance of it. i have read and heard that "joy is our essential nature", it is not something we need to do, it is something we can simply to allow ourselves to be. While i can't *feel* this yet, i can remember this.

Why do I work for peace and justice? Because I believe everyone deserves them equally. Why do I believe in truth and love? Because they are ways of being that bring us closer to wholeness - in ourselves and with the world at large, both of which are equally important. What is the role of joy in all this? Joy feeds a sense of well-being, a sense of "life is wonderful", and these are the roots of hope.

Right now, my one step in the journey is simply to remember that i believe these things. And to trust that with practice and patience, things will evolve to where they need to go. i can't control the pace. My part of it is practicing patience :)

Happy 2014: Intentions for yet another New Year

i love the beginning of a year, and the closing of a previous year. i like having to stay conscious of the date ending with a new number, which i write often in my work notebook or my journal. it's a time for re-awakening, and a time for trying again. what i try will probably be different things, based on the learnings and reflections of last year.

i'm not really into making "resolutions", but i have used a new year to make new starts. i think it was first in 2009 that i started by naming some intentions - and within 6 months it had all happened! that's when i started to realize the power of setting intentions and naming them out loud, and having them witnessed. this process evolved the next year into a more general "Bring it on!" for 2010...and so on it went. in 2012 it was a blog post full of bold, beautiful intentions for a new life in New York. The universe is always paying attention. All my focused intentions came to fruition.

In 2013 I didn't really do that. i'm not sure why.... but as i reflect back, it has been a year of taking things as they come, adapting, stepping into my wholeness more fully, and gaining strength. i tried some new things - somatics coaching, strengths training, lessons with a personal trainer, a growing focus on mindful breathing, 30 day blogging commitment, writing for a print magazine, hosting a creativity session, and dealing with chronic pain with more acceptance, tools, and faith. i've gotten so much better at asking for help, and receiving it with grace and gratitude. 

life is full of beauty, joy, pain, and love. i read somewhere that even though we understandably numb ourselves to cope with pain, numbing anything leads to numbing everything. if you feel less pain, you also feel less of the joy you could be experiencing.

my goal is to be whole, and i have come to believe that part of that process is to feel everything fully, and in all its transience. that is what allows healing and flow to occur. nothing stays, nothing stagnates. 

i do have intentions for this new year. i know that my growing edges are to work on anger, frustration/impatience, and non-forgiveness. to do that, i'll need to work on accepting everything as it is. accepting people for who we are and where we are, accepting what happens with grace and surrender, and trusting that all things are part of a greater plan, set up to occur in perfect, divine timing. with this acceptance as a foundation, i believe i can do a better job of letting go of past hurts, anger, expectations, attachments, feelings of disappointment, and a sense of being victim to circumstances or people or bad intentions. i do think we're all just flawed human beings, hurt by our previous wounds, wanting to be healthy and happy and doing the best we can. our wounds create emotional patterns and behavioral responses that can limit our happiness and also hurt other people unintentionally. when i remember this, i am filled with compassion. i also read somewhere, forgive everyone for everything, daily. this has stuck with me. it rings of truth and healing, and i'm sure it's what i need to practice.  

this is the Year of Practice.

my core tools are - yoga, prayer, centering in my dignity, surrender poses, gratitude reflections, intentional breathing, meditation, journalling, blogging, reading spiritual books, making art, gift-giving, photography, expressing love / being affectionate, healing touch, sharing my troubles, reading about illness and healing, listening to music, being outside (especially in the sun or the ocean or under trees), reading good fiction, dancing, retail therapy, fashion fabulosity and having fun.

some tools are useful in transforming the experience of pain to be more peaceful, and some are useful in creating joy or feeling love and connection. all the tools are useful in making peace with the truth.

with that, expect daily blogging from me in 2014. that's one of my commitments to a practice that i have found to be profound in accessing inner wisdom, sharing struggles, and stating things i most need to learn. And i love sharing and hearing responses because it creates meaningful connection with other people in the world, who are similarly seeking and practicing become better human beings. the only exceptions to daily blogging are when i'm traveling. i'll try then too, but vacations are a rest period that are also necessary, to not make commitments a burden.

wishing you all a peaceful, joyful year filled with love. may you never lose hope, or connection to your true self.