body home / home body

"i stand on the railing poised to fall
balanced on the edge of the dividing wall
i fear not the death that fear all
it is life that terrifies my soul..."

i first read this poem/lyrics excerpt when i was around 13 or 14. i don't know who wrote it. it settled into my consciousness deeply. it was true for a long time. about wanting to escape life, to not live.

these 4 lines are ringing inside my head non-stop today. but why? i have never wanted more to be alive. it has taken me this long, most of 29 and three-quarter years of life to come to this feeling. i have drifted, been unconscious, been slapped into alertness by life, made choices, made mistakes, fucked it all up, and finally started to awake and eventually, to create. in order to begin to heal, i have had to face the extent of my trauma. the process of healing feels deathly painful, and i suppose the spiritual philosophers would say that it is a dying of sorts. it is the death of what is toxic, what holds us back, what we can't let go of. and there is no way out but through it.

my current learnings are to stay in my body no matter what is going on. my demon is dissociation. i was shown how i used it to survive, and now i'm ready to let it go. but feeling all your feelings hurts so bad! no wonder i want to escape. but the power of staying, is to not abandon myself. if i can't be present with and accepting of all my feelings, i find myself seeking to fill that void in other ways. that just leaves more emptiness. i am ready to fill up my own body with my spirit, my being, being here.

i always said i suck at meditation. i was frustrated because i thought i couldn't do it. but then april laughingly said it was a lesson in failing over and over, and it changed everything. i can do that! or at least, i'm willing to do that if that's what it is, if that's what it takes. coming back from dissociation is no different. i leave, i catch myself thinking and gone, i breathe, i come back softly. and before i know it, i've left again, but again, i notice, and i come back.

leaving seattle. going to new york. in 3 days.

now that i've decided to live in my body full-time, i have never been more ready to be in a place that is so electric, with a strong heartbeat. i am ready to walk, taste, smell, touch it all. i am ready to dance. no actually i am craving it. my toes are tingling often. i feel like i'm coming out of the sick bay into the world again.

have you noticed that the sun has been shining for me all week? i have. and i have loved it back with my eyes, my smile, wide open arms and gasping for sunshine flavored air.

i stand on the railings poised to fly. i leave nothing behind. it/they/you are all in my heart, in my body, in who i've become here. thank you.