Clear seeing: Acceptance of Truth and your True Self

We do not become anything overnight. We are who we are, and our essence is always waiting to be uncovered, to be freely expressed in the world.

Extreme situations are catalysts that can bring our best and worst selves to life. In fact, they bring the potential for both. So, if you have enough awareness to make an intentional choice, choose your best self. Choose forgiveness, healing, and love. Everything else will take you away from your own health and happiness.

Only love is real. All barriers to love are defenses and illusions - hate, prejudice, anger, judgement, fear.

Hate, Prejudice and Judgement are all the same feeling along a spectrum. Don't hate, don't judge. When we do that, we are closing ourself off to someone or something. We can disagree, but when we hate, we engage with that person karmically. We take their actions personally. It is very hard to have a zoom-out level of the situation once we are personally triggered. It is best to maintain a safe distance and see what is happening as that - what is happening, what the other person is doing. Keep a protective energetic shield around yourself, and stay in the picture with the energy of love and compassion. Don't give up either - in your heart, whether you materially engage with the situation or not. Energetically, you can always radiate love.

Anger stems from unmet expectations. Try to be aware of that, and let go of expectations. Then you can see other people more clearly for being who they are - imperfect beings on a journey, trying the best we know to get our needs met and to be happy.

Most people live in a lot of fear all the time without being aware of it. Fear of getting hurt, fear of pain, fear of people's reactions or judgements, fear of people being mad at us for something we did or didn't do, fear of failing, fear that our innermost feelings about our goodness and our immense potential are not actually true, fear of living, fear of expressing ourselves, fear of life and all its unknowns, fear of death, fear of making the wrong choice. Fear is a very draining energy. Brian Weiss says "fear blocks understanding", which blocks our gut from communicating with us, from guiding us in a strong and pure way.  Try to recognize it when it happens, and see that there is truly nothing to be afraid of (unless you are in a situation where your physical safety is at risk, in which case use all protective safety-planning measures). Try being free. Try to let go of what people think, and follow internal truth. It may lead to greater openings for all. And that's a risk, for you, and because it threatens the status quo. Choose true freedom - from expectations and obligations.

Accept people as they are. This will help you accept and love yourself as you are.

Accept yourself, know yourself. This will help you accept others as they are.

Re-committing to Joy

So, here we are, January 11, week 2 of the new year. Exactly the perfect time to start launching those resolutions, or watering the seeds of intentions we planted.

i'm not sure why i'm writing about this topic, in the sense, i'm not sure what i have to say about it. But it's a topic that keeps bursting into my mind to be explored via writing.

i've been thinking about joy a lot. Life is always beautiful and hard. This has not changed for me. So, in an effort towards balance, i want to nourish the joy as much as i respond to the hardness. It does not matter what is hard, each of us has our things, our challenges that are meant to grow and shape us. But for a few months, some specific dynamics in my life have caused me to experience a lot of grief, pain, and distress. And as i have given space to honor and feel these feelings, i have recently noticed that it has also left me more closed off, numb, and unable to feel a sense of hope.

There's so much wisdom out there about 1) the importance of feeling our feelings 2) the power of hopefulness 3) being okay with being with where you are.

Given these things, i sometimes feel conflicted about whether to stay in the hard feelings, or actively try to do something to shift them, and if so, what exactly that still honors my process and the time it takes to heal?

It has been very helpful, and comforting, to realize all the things i don't have control over (like other people's choices). And, i do believe that there are steps we can take to reclaim our capacity to feel joy. One of them, is to remember the importance of it. i have read and heard that "joy is our essential nature", it is not something we need to do, it is something we can simply to allow ourselves to be. While i can't *feel* this yet, i can remember this.

Why do I work for peace and justice? Because I believe everyone deserves them equally. Why do I believe in truth and love? Because they are ways of being that bring us closer to wholeness - in ourselves and with the world at large, both of which are equally important. What is the role of joy in all this? Joy feeds a sense of well-being, a sense of "life is wonderful", and these are the roots of hope.

Right now, my one step in the journey is simply to remember that i believe these things. And to trust that with practice and patience, things will evolve to where they need to go. i can't control the pace. My part of it is practicing patience :)

Happy 2014: Intentions for yet another New Year

i love the beginning of a year, and the closing of a previous year. i like having to stay conscious of the date ending with a new number, which i write often in my work notebook or my journal. it's a time for re-awakening, and a time for trying again. what i try will probably be different things, based on the learnings and reflections of last year.

i'm not really into making "resolutions", but i have used a new year to make new starts. i think it was first in 2009 that i started by naming some intentions - and within 6 months it had all happened! that's when i started to realize the power of setting intentions and naming them out loud, and having them witnessed. this process evolved the next year into a more general "Bring it on!" for 2010...and so on it went. in 2012 it was a blog post full of bold, beautiful intentions for a new life in New York. The universe is always paying attention. All my focused intentions came to fruition.

In 2013 I didn't really do that. i'm not sure why.... but as i reflect back, it has been a year of taking things as they come, adapting, stepping into my wholeness more fully, and gaining strength. i tried some new things - somatics coaching, strengths training, lessons with a personal trainer, a growing focus on mindful breathing, 30 day blogging commitment, writing for a print magazine, hosting a creativity session, and dealing with chronic pain with more acceptance, tools, and faith. i've gotten so much better at asking for help, and receiving it with grace and gratitude. 

life is full of beauty, joy, pain, and love. i read somewhere that even though we understandably numb ourselves to cope with pain, numbing anything leads to numbing everything. if you feel less pain, you also feel less of the joy you could be experiencing.

my goal is to be whole, and i have come to believe that part of that process is to feel everything fully, and in all its transience. that is what allows healing and flow to occur. nothing stays, nothing stagnates. 

i do have intentions for this new year. i know that my growing edges are to work on anger, frustration/impatience, and non-forgiveness. to do that, i'll need to work on accepting everything as it is. accepting people for who we are and where we are, accepting what happens with grace and surrender, and trusting that all things are part of a greater plan, set up to occur in perfect, divine timing. with this acceptance as a foundation, i believe i can do a better job of letting go of past hurts, anger, expectations, attachments, feelings of disappointment, and a sense of being victim to circumstances or people or bad intentions. i do think we're all just flawed human beings, hurt by our previous wounds, wanting to be healthy and happy and doing the best we can. our wounds create emotional patterns and behavioral responses that can limit our happiness and also hurt other people unintentionally. when i remember this, i am filled with compassion. i also read somewhere, forgive everyone for everything, daily. this has stuck with me. it rings of truth and healing, and i'm sure it's what i need to practice.  

this is the Year of Practice.

my core tools are - yoga, prayer, centering in my dignity, surrender poses, gratitude reflections, intentional breathing, meditation, journalling, blogging, reading spiritual books, making art, gift-giving, photography, expressing love / being affectionate, healing touch, sharing my troubles, reading about illness and healing, listening to music, being outside (especially in the sun or the ocean or under trees), reading good fiction, dancing, retail therapy, fashion fabulosity and having fun.

some tools are useful in transforming the experience of pain to be more peaceful, and some are useful in creating joy or feeling love and connection. all the tools are useful in making peace with the truth.

with that, expect daily blogging from me in 2014. that's one of my commitments to a practice that i have found to be profound in accessing inner wisdom, sharing struggles, and stating things i most need to learn. And i love sharing and hearing responses because it creates meaningful connection with other people in the world, who are similarly seeking and practicing become better human beings. the only exceptions to daily blogging are when i'm traveling. i'll try then too, but vacations are a rest period that are also necessary, to not make commitments a burden.

wishing you all a peaceful, joyful year filled with love. may you never lose hope, or connection to your true self.

A desire to live in bliss, the meaning of life, and a prayer

Prompt: "There are things we do because they feel right & they may make no sense & they may make no money and it may be the real reason we are here; to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good."

Yes.

If I had all the time in the world, in a day, I would cook a beautiful meal. It would be for you, for us. We, a shifting we that allows known and new loves in, would eat together and we would eat with our hands and lick our fingers and talk non-stop about how this food nourishes us. Foods we love, foods from home, foods that love our bodies back. Love really is the secret ingredient. Love in practice is attention + time + patience.

Satiated, I would then browse through my brilliantly organized photographs, and pick the ones I want to print. Then I would make cards out of some, and art prints out of others. They would all be accompanied by a word or a quote - a message that enhances the purpose of this art. They would then go off into the world, sent to friends in faraway places, and family in other countries. "Other" countries, places I grew up in and lived in and call home. 

Digested, I would go to a yoga class close by. I love being taught, I appreciate teachers. I value mentors. I've had a few in my life, and this is something I continue to seek. Without seeking being a mentor, this keeps coming to me. I like this part too, sharing learnings, asking questions, offering reflections and insight to illuminate paths, to encourage, to cheer, to hug and to love people along this difficult journey called life. Yoga is a difficult journey, it brings to life all aspects of living. Struggle, boredom, forgetting to breathe, checking out, auto-piloting, criticizing, trying, moving, resting, fidgeting, and so forth. 

It's dusk now. I would spend hours reading one single book. If it was fiction, I would finish at least half of it in one day. If it was deeper like a spiritual book, I would probably read one chapter, and then reflect on the messages for me right now, by journalling and thinking. So much of journalling is like meditating for me, I sit there and reflect on what is happening, what happened, how I feel about it, and what are the messages. I seek answers, I often forget to ask questions or for guidance. I'm trying to do that more these days and it's really helpful to externalize the problems / stressors. Well, they only become stressors when I sit alone with them, trying to solve it all or do it all.

At nighttime, I would watch movies with friends and slumber party. I actually did do that this weekend, which was a treasure of a night. Over a long weekend, I would do a movie marathon. Top choices - Harry Potter series, Dhoop Kinarey (not a movie, more like a mini-series), and possibly the Matrix. I have still never watched the middle movie of that trilogy, even though I've watched the first one a few times, and the last one twice, and even though I own the DVD set, for over 10 years now.

Over the days, I would catch up with my friends over cups of chai, and over dinners at restaurants. I like those days when we go out to the Highline or Central Park, or even shopping with a hardcore focus like tall black boots that are not suede and not scrunchy and not too pricey meaning below $100 but preferably below $80 and ideally below $60. And then, in all the walking, there is talking while we are side by side. And then there are the breaks for longer conversations and delicious treats. Decadent hot cocoa is at the top of my list for winter treats, but it hasn't happened this winter. Too afraid of the dairy, and convinced almond milk cocoa won't satisfy me. I guess I should try it first. You know, I believe I have all the ingredients at home. Hmm... Sunday evening is full of gentle possibility.

I would sleep a lot every night and I would take naps, every day. At night, I would take the time to do a somatic practice before going to bed: bringing awareness to my breathing and lying down on the floor being unconditionally supported by the earth. I usually sleep more peacefully after doing that. 

When I wake up, I like to lay in bed for a long time. On the weekend, I don't look at my phone, I don't look at a clock. When I finally emerge, I like to eat something, drink something warm, and read the Sun magazine. These days when I read the Sun, I always wonder why I have never attempted to submit to it, though it's been on my list for over a year. I also often think of who else would enjoy this magazine that I can gift a subscription to.

And then the day continues. Some days I do these dreamy things. Other days I got to work at a dreamy job, and do other things that get me excited and energized and feel like I'm fulfilling my life potential. That's what I want to do, all the time: Live life at a pace where I can feel and notice myself breathe, and from that place, do things for others, create beauty and joy, share my gifts in a way that allow us to safely face and become our most authentic selves. 

A short prayer for today:

Dear God,

I would like to trade my free will for your divine guidance.

In each moment of my body, may I receive the softness to surrender.

Why it's important to take a lunch break

because if you can't feel your body, you can't feel joy or know justice!

are you familiar with the scene i'm describing? it's Monday morning, those emails are waiting like a bag of potato chips you don't want to eat but can't stop speeding through. some, you don't even taste. many are crushed by your speed. some don't get picked up at all.

i mean, if you like that particular brand of potato chips, just go slow and enjoy each one, is what i'm recommending. to do that, you have to chew to digest, and you have to break up the flavor with other tastes and textures and temperatures - sweet, spicy, mushy, crunchy, crumbly, warm....

so at lunch BREAK time, you stop, move away from the computer screen, and Eat Real Food.

look out the window.

better still, go for a mini walk or wheelchair ride if you are able to....

get that fresh air so it's helping to digest what you have taken in. (do NOT check your phone for email in the middle)

choose your timings, manage your time, and when you come back to to your desk/screen, take a breath into that happy full belly, and remember (with closed eyes and a smile) what you're excited to do before you dive back in.

throughout the day your body will ask for things - bathroom break, snacks, a walk, more fresh air, a shift in activity or type of task, to talk to someone, maybe even to vent.... i have found that rather than treat my needs as irritating distractions to my vision of a full-steam Monday, these are the guidances that align my energy with what i'm doing and able to do well. they create a natural flow from task to task, and help maintain my mental health and physical well-being. naturally, these are a foundation for emotional balance. this flow helps to sustain my energy and focus.

this is my recipe for a nourishing day of work that is productive and well-paced. happy Monday! :)

the breakthrough after the breakdown

you've heard of this phenomenon right?

the day after i wrote my last post, i had a breakdown. it was great. i was doing a work task, and as i switched my attention to a new area of work, i felt angsty churning in my stomach and anxiety rising in my body, a whoosh of energy to the top of my head. i wanted it to keep going up so it would whoosh out of me, onwards and upwards. but we all have sturdy skulls and it got stuck! so the intense pressure, i acutely felt myself start to almost hyper ventilate with stress. i had to lie down immediately. except this was not a calm lie down, it was a sudden "face-plant" into my bed. i felt so unable to move through the intense energy takeover of my body, and no brain cells to think about how to use any practices or tools to get through it, to breathe and feel myself. then i started to shake and burst out crying, and planted my face in my hands as the shaking sobbing took over.

i was unstuck!!!

i felt sort of terrible but i also felt soft and human. i could feel my feelings, the burst dam affirmed that i had feelings i had been suppressing for a while (not intentionally). my boo took care of me. in the midst of that kind of release, all my feelings were so clear to me. what had been happening and how i got to my state of overwhelm made a felt sense to me. 

the details of why i was feeling what i was feeling are not so important to share here. what is noticeable to me is the process of how i got unstuck. some observations -

* for a few weeks, i'd been drinking more coffee than usual (meaning, daily!) and watching lots of Netflix (Scandal marathon). i started to realize - i'm checking out. i feel overwhelmed. maybe i have too much going on in life, lots to do.

* i started to notice, sometimes i felt happy and like my life was great. sometimes i felt drained. so, exhaustion was inconsistent, and it wasn't about overall life too-much.

* i didn't try to set any hard rules about stopping coffee or TV, or even cutting back.  i just started to notice more, and slowly, i would have a few sips of coffee and throw the rest because it tasted bad to me. my body started to say, enough. instead of clicking "next" after an episode ended, i would stop and look at the time, or lie down on the yoga mat to get in some somatic awareness time. i liked it. it usually just unlocked the yawns in my body. i started sleeping better. i started dreaming more lucidly, and hence being able to remember my dreams more. nothing significant emerged, but lucidity and memory mattered to me because i know these things have to be in place for me to receive spiritual guidance through deep rest/sleep/the best meditation.

* the previous day, i co-hosted a "creative session" at home with a friend. i knew i wanted to write, and that there were lots of barriers. so i stepped towards writing by creating an environment that helps me write - a fixed time - and inviting buddies into it to practice the intention.

* first i read, relaxed, then i started writing (the previous blog post). it was hard to get through, but i stayed with it. i had faith/a gut feeling that completion was important, even more important that quality of insight or writing.

* after writing or during writing, i laid my head down and confessed to T - i'm struggling. and she instantly stopped what she was doing and said "what's wrong?" then i laid down on a yoga mat and shared my feelings of hardness and stuckness. she asked me good questions like - "is this the kind of thing you need to get away from to recharge yourself, or are you checking out?" i reflected.

* throughout these hours, J and i were texting and it was like she was having divine guidance on what to tell me when. i had angels.

* the next day, when i felt the energy flow rise and overwhelm me (leading to face-plant), i felt acutely aware of what was happening in my body and i immediately responded by getting up and lying down. i didn't try to push through it or shut it down and keep working.

* when i started crying, i recognized it as the release, with relief and gratitude. i didn't make myself stop or contain it, stopping-crying is not equal to feeling-better. i let the misery unfold fully. then i could see it.

* i wrote an email in the middle of that to people i needed to share my true state with, people who needed to know to help support me in making a difference. i wrote a messy and vulnerable email. i sent it while i was still crying. i didn't wait until i stopped and could re-reflect and re-word it in a contained and logical manner.

* i took the rest of the day off work and a) had a date b) went retail therapy c) continued to appreciate my great decisions in taking care of myself / in putting an end to the containment.

* the next day i asked for signs of the next steps. the answer i got was - practice gratitude.

* that next day i also got my period. the release continued.

i'm reflecting on the fact that i've grown in ways that have made me powerfully whole. and at times when i'm struggling, i have enough faith to stay in the struggle. it's not easy, it's extremely uncomfortable. and for a while i thought i was losing the battle and would fail to move through stuckness, forever! yes i have fears like that. i can imagine not much worse spiritually than stagnation, and hence disconnection to self or purpose or path or meaning.

it hasn't all crystallized in a grand "aha!" for me yet either, but i'm just glad everything led up to crying release and insight/awareness of what was going on. my biggest learning is to keep relying on practices that i trust will move me where i need to go. when i don't know the way, it's important to actually use the maps and guides and highlighted routes, including rest stops.

To love yourself, let go

hi all,

it's been a while since i wrote. i've been feeling pretty disconnected from writing, and also from myself.

but then.

i started reading this blog, The Sixth Letter: Food, Fitness, Felines, and Fun in San Francisco. i love it. i'm obsessed with it, reading regularly. i even subscribed. when i did, i made a commitment to read the new posts as they came through. i've been doing that and i noticed how often Liz writes. it's been helping me get through my writing/blogging freeze. to write is just to write. what i'm trying to follow by Liz's modeling is to share things even when they are hard, and not just to share when/after i figure something out. i've just been feeling stuck about so many things.

do you ever notice that when you're feeling stuck, suddenly you start to get the things you need to get unstuck? you might not notice it at first (because stuckness has the quality of being packed too tightly, with no room to take in). but eventually, things keep coming until one hits you in the head, or opens your heart. Liz's blog was one of those things for me. And another one of those things was this much-watched video by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability.

i've seen this video over a year ago. at the time, i think i felt like this - "well, duh, i know this from my experience as a survivor, and my work in the anti-violence movement around shame." but it's interesting how quickly you can forget things you know, when you're not living them daily or immersed in some other way. so i forgot. Then 2 days ago, i came across it and it struck me like an electric charge to my consciousness.

Brene talks about people either feeling secure about or struggling with a sense of worthiness, of deserving love and having a sense of belonging. this is the heart of it. a sense of our own worth. i don't doubt my worthiness, i thought. but then i started to realize, i do struggle with feeling often like i haven't done enough. the work day is over, but i'm still sending emails. i wanted to work faster than i can. the weekend is over, and i didn't relax enough or go out enough. i didn't make the most of it. my writing session has begun, but it took too long to warm up and get into a rhythm, and then the time was over so it remained unfinished.

These things are connected - feeling worthy for simply being who you are, despite what you do (or don't do). it's so important to feel good about who we are. a really important part of this is loving our imperfections, and loving the ways in which we are messy. in terms of doing stuff and getting enough done, i'm trying to remember that the heart is in the intention and sincere effort. the actual results are a product of surrender and the Universe's help.

Let go. Let go every day, every hour if you need to. Let go of what you thought you were going to do, or should have done. Let go of what you were expecting, let go of what you want. For me, i try to let go by lying down and breathing. it's simple but profound for me. sometimes it makes me realize how tired or sleepy i am, and sometimes it helps me notice what's coming up, what i haven't been able to let go of. that's okay too. Let go of the idea of letting go perfectly. when you can let go of who you wanted to be, you can more freely love who you are now. We are all worth our own unconditional love.