Who doesn’t love a story that begins with that sentence? I realized I love saying it as much as I love hearing it. Why? Because it is a doorway. Conversations are like mazes, you begin somewhere, start talking, start walking, feel your way around and end up somewhere. Good conversations follow many different paths through the maze, each one becoming a discovery, a shared exploration. So when we want to enter a pathway that feels more unknown, maybe a little scary, we preface it by saying certain things.
I’ve been wanting to tell you something.
I have a confession to make.
We need to talk.
There’s usually a pause, then an intent silence, when both people’s attention levels rise, and now there’s equilibrium, safety, trust. It’s a warning and a question and a request – “will you go here with me? Is it okay for me to go here? Will you really listen? Please listen carefully, gently. Please hold me with care as I make myself vulnerable.”
Once someone said the prefacing statement to me like this.
“I’ll tell you something. You won’t judge me.”
The part I really loved was “you won’t judge me.” Because it wasn’t an assessment, it was an order. She needed that in order to proceed with being honest, and she demanded it. I wish I knew how to do that more often.
So what kinds of things do people usually confess about?
Family. Love. Sex. Fear. Money. Guilt. Harm. Pain. Addiction. Abuse ….
I’m sure the list is endless. But in general, it’s Things we are ashamed of, traumatized by, afraid of, or embarrassed by. So then, why confess?
Cons
Judgement, vulnerability, risk, isolation, exclusion, backlash, violence, violation of confidentiality, misheard, misunderstood, loss.
Pros
* Letting go – whatever happens next happens.
* Being authentic - your whole self - speaking the truth, and being accepted for all of it, not
despite it.
* Risk being worth it –best case scenario, now you have positive reinforcement of trust.
* Giving someone an opportunity to – grow, explain, step up, transform the situation.
* HEALING – there’s nothing like it. the naming of Things is good for us. Of pain and joy. It rises up and out of our bodies, and is released – leaving us with a lighter burden to carry.
Isn’t that liberation? The ability to be yourself. The ability to see yourself as all that you are and still respect yourself. It doesn’t mean you are perfect, or need to become perfect. If you believe that, you will hold the same mirror to others – of expecting perfection – and I promise that they will ‘fail’ you. But what if everyone just tried to be less harmful, more loving? I would just love you for trying. The only reason or reward for holding on to perfection is to be better than others, in order to be able to ask that of others. And that, I learned from Cheri Huber’s “There Is Nothing Wrong With You” book, is a form of self-hate. It is a non-acceptance of your current self. Until you can relax into who you are, you cannot be “non-judgmental” of yourself or others.
All this to say, I recommend that you take a deep breath, make a confession, and then call your most trusted hotline to debrief! Here are some sample ways to begin –
“Dear Diary…”
“I realized something today…”
“guess what?!”
“whenever I look back, I really wish I hadn’t done that…”
“i’m not sure about this”
“I’m afraid that I will…”
“I’m afraid that you might…”
“I am sorry”
“I am hurting”
“I’m not happy”
“you’re not happy”
“ I think my relationship to __X__ is not great”
“I’m concerned about your relationship to ___Y___”
Ultimately, confessing is about being honest, authentic, and self-aware – hopefully in an environment of compassion. It requires trust and it deepens relationships. Until we start confessing, we cannot start dealing with what is. And seeing the very real possibilities of how to move from here. My confession for today is that I am learning to be more honest. I usually prioritize “niceness” or “safety” over truth, sometimes hard truths to face or to disclose. But then it’s not nice or safe to be inauthentic. And I trust my intentions and my compassion enough to continue taking more risks.
Confessions really are like doorways. You don’t know what path or room you’re entering, but that’s the risk and the opportunity.
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