Presence

Presence

The present. A present. Being present. Presence.

Last week I heard Laura van Dernoot Lipsky talk in a workshop called “Secondary Trauma and How to Reconcile its Impact”. She draws from her book Trauma Stewardship, and I learned a lot! (Plus I WON a free copy of the book….with 20 other people who ‘won’ the same raffle, and 50 other people who got it for free, but I feel very special nevertheless – she said to notice your blessings, I noticed.) One of her many wise points that resonated deeply is about Bring Present.

“Bring to everything your Exquisite Quality of Presence!”

Me? I could have an Exquisite Quality of Presence? I have an Exquisite Quality of Presence? This was not a totally new concept to me, but there’s just something about the word “Exquisite”. It is a great word to describe what it is. And I love it when people say it well, with full attention and due respect. So anyways, Laura had me at Exquisite.

First of all, what does it mean to Be Present?

***Mind body spirit heart are all in the same place at the same time***

Here are the reasons I feel compelled to bring my EQoP –

WHOLENESS
That’s what mind body spirit integration feels like. My therapist describes this as everything internally and my body feeling “congruent”. When I am faced with a dilemma, I know exactly what I feel when I am coming from an integrated place. When I am experiencing joy, I am experiencing it at all levels which takes the joy to a whole new level. This builds resiliency too. When I am feeling pain, I experience that intensely too at all levels. That may not sound appealing, but if we have the capacity for it (or want to build it), then being present for it helps to fully experience and release it. By dissociating or being absent, we suppress the root cause or symptoms which is not helping to build our survival skills. Instead, it forms coping patterns which help us survive in the short run, and have long term side-effects. Pros and cons. You get to choose what to do when.

HEALING
"The more consciousness you bring into the body, the stronger the immune system becomes. It is as if every cell awakens and rejoices. The body loves your attention. It is also a potent form of self-healing." - Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now)

Eckhart really knows his stuff. He also talks about how being absent makes your body feel like an abandoned house – unwanted things creep in without our noticing and protection. This imagery was really powerful for me. I want my house to feel like a home. I want the place that I rest, the body that shelters me, to feel appreciated and nurtured in turn. I want to take better care of it, so that it can take better care of me.

GRATITUDE
"Be completely present for all things wonderful; If we are going to be present for life's suffering, we will need all the nourishment and rejuvenation that comes from life's beauty." Thich Nhat Hanh

Being present allows us to hold a more complete picture of ourselves, the various contexts we belong to, and the world at large. Yes, there is pain and suffering. But there is also beauty, love, and magic. Everything happens all the time, you get to choose what you want to notice and absorb more of.

EMBODY EXQUISITE
When I start to drift mentally, get lost in the past or caught up in the future (both places where I have no control), I sometimes catch myself and recall my Presence back into my body. When I do that, I notice myself throwing my shoulders back a little more, chin up, spine straightening, and an internal resiliency strengthening. Why? I’m not sure, something about the E word just demands that. And then I start to feel more Exquisite.

PRESENCE
It’s true, when I am present – mind body spirit all in one place – I feel a sense of peace and connection. A sense of calmness and depth, like a lake. Pema Chodron talks about giving ourselves that undiluted attention so that you can look at the bottom of the lake and see all the junk, instead of churning it up with thoughts/distraction. When you look at everything with clarity and compassion, you see Everything. Then you Know.

OPENNESS
Being present is about 100% experiencing, not recording impressions/interpretations of experience. When you can do that, you have much better chances of responding instead of reacting. Triggers are less triggery, buttons are not easy to push. You become somebody who offers spaciousness. That is likely closer to your best self, and allows the other person a great platform to do the same.

LETTING GO
Also integral to the idea of being present is letting go. The moment that has just passed, no matter how wonderful or how traumatic, has gone. Let it go. Also, then you can practice ‘aparigraha’ (from Yoga philosophy) or non-grasping. The next moment offers a new possibility.

The present is a gift. You have it Now. It’s up to you to be here to receive it.

Confessions

“ I have something to tell you.”

Who doesn’t love a story that begins with that sentence? I realized I love saying it as much as I love hearing it. Why? Because it is a doorway. Conversations are like mazes, you begin somewhere, start talking, start walking, feel your way around and end up somewhere. Good conversations follow many different paths through the maze, each one becoming a discovery, a shared exploration. So when we want to enter a pathway that feels more unknown, maybe a little scary, we preface it by saying certain things.

I’ve been wanting to tell you something.

I have a confession to make.

We need to talk.

There’s usually a pause, then an intent silence, when both people’s attention levels rise, and now there’s equilibrium, safety, trust. It’s a warning and a question and a request – “will you go here with me? Is it okay for me to go here? Will you really listen? Please listen carefully, gently. Please hold me with care as I make myself vulnerable.”

Once someone said the prefacing statement to me like this.

“I’ll tell you something. You won’t judge me.”

The part I really loved was “you won’t judge me.” Because it wasn’t an assessment, it was an order. She needed that in order to proceed with being honest, and she demanded it. I wish I knew how to do that more often.

So what kinds of things do people usually confess about?

Family. Love. Sex. Fear. Money. Guilt. Harm. Pain. Addiction. Abuse ….

I’m sure the list is endless. But in general, it’s Things we are ashamed of, traumatized by, afraid of, or embarrassed by. So then, why confess?

Cons

Judgement, vulnerability, risk, isolation, exclusion, backlash, violence, violation of confidentiality, misheard, misunderstood, loss.

Pros

* Letting go – whatever happens next happens.

* Being authentic - your whole self - speaking the truth, and being accepted for all of it, not

despite it.

* Risk being worth it –best case scenario, now you have positive reinforcement of trust.

* Giving someone an opportunity to – grow, explain, step up, transform the situation.

* HEALING – there’s nothing like it. the naming of Things is good for us. Of pain and joy. It rises up and out of our bodies, and is released – leaving us with a lighter burden to carry.

Isn’t that liberation? The ability to be yourself. The ability to see yourself as all that you are and still respect yourself. It doesn’t mean you are perfect, or need to become perfect. If you believe that, you will hold the same mirror to others – of expecting perfection – and I promise that they will ‘fail’ you. But what if everyone just tried to be less harmful, more loving? I would just love you for trying. The only reason or reward for holding on to perfection is to be better than others, in order to be able to ask that of others. And that, I learned from Cheri Huber’s “There Is Nothing Wrong With You” book, is a form of self-hate. It is a non-acceptance of your current self. Until you can relax into who you are, you cannot be “non-judgmental” of yourself or others.

All this to say, I recommend that you take a deep breath, make a confession, and then call your most trusted hotline to debrief! Here are some sample ways to begin –

“Dear Diary…”

“I realized something today…”

“guess what?!”

“whenever I look back, I really wish I hadn’t done that…”

“i’m not sure about this”

“I’m afraid that I will…”

“I’m afraid that you might…”

“I am sorry”

“I am hurting”

“I’m not happy”

“you’re not happy”

“ I think my relationship to __X__ is not great”

“I’m concerned about your relationship to ___Y___”

Ultimately, confessing is about being honest, authentic, and self-aware – hopefully in an environment of compassion. It requires trust and it deepens relationships. Until we start confessing, we cannot start dealing with what is. And seeing the very real possibilities of how to move from here. My confession for today is that I am learning to be more honest. I usually prioritize “niceness” or “safety” over truth, sometimes hard truths to face or to disclose. But then it’s not nice or safe to be inauthentic. And I trust my intentions and my compassion enough to continue taking more risks.

Confessions really are like doorways. You don’t know what path or room you’re entering, but that’s the risk and the opportunity.