"In addition to pain during menstruation, the pain of endometriosis can occur at other times of the month and doesn't have to be just on the date on menses. There can be pain with ovulation, pain associated with adhesions, pain caused by inflammation in the pelvic cavity, pain during bowel movements and urination, during general bodily movement i.e. exercise, pain from standing or walking, and pain with intercourse. But the most desperate pain is usually with menstruation and many women dread having their periods. Pain can also start a week before menses, during and even a week after menses, or it can be constant. There is no known cure for endometriosis." - Wikipedia
the word that stands out the most for me today is desperate. this kind of pain makes me desperate. each time it happens, i hear myself in my head saying "it hurts so bad i feel like dying." but then, i don't die. that's almost worse.
and then, other voices start filtering in. i remember Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron saying something about being present with the pain - to notice it in each moment, and see it, feel it, see how it changes. it is pretty dynamic, i notice. then i remember people telling me to breathe. and i notice that i stopped. there was an inhale i never let go of because i thought i might crumble. i exhale, and soften a little. then i hear people around me expressing love and care, and i feel bad for them, i know witnessing isn't easy, for them or me. my family happens to call me and i get off the phone in a hurry. i don't want to tell them how bad it is and they can hear it from how i can't talk. but later, when i can notice again, i feel cared for.
what is it that brings me back to hope on a night like this, when even the painkillers don't filter through to my body? mmm.... i guess it's remembering the long hike from 2 weeks ago, when i was preparing my body for the spiritual wilderness retreat. that retreat is this weekend and now i'm not going, coz of the pain and coz i couldn't face no running water with my body's current needs. but, as Christine reminded me, i'm exactly where i was divinely placed in this moment.
i'll be retreating in bed this weekend, letting go of the idea that God is on a mountain waiting for me to visit.
Showing posts with label present. Show all posts
Showing posts with label present. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Surrender
I need to spell it out so I can really try to practice being surrender. And keep adding to the list as I figure new things out that help me surrender.
• To relax in mind and body
• Be present, be fully here now
• Accept what is happening
• Trust it is for the best
• Let go of expectations or attachment to outcomes
• Feel your feelings. Allow them to surface in your body too.
• Respond in the present moment to whatever is coming up – give it attention, space, and appropriate nourishment
• Don’t worry or have anxiety or trip about the future – being present now will lead to where things and you need to move
• Dissolve ego – “I” didn’t do it well or badly. It was exactly as it was meant to be.
• Don’t be in regrets about the past. Trust that it was meant to be. And it’s over.
• Know that God is in the current moment, and that moment is a gift – the present – from where you can learn what you need to know right now.
• Pay attention to coincidences. They are not coincidences.
• Enjoy each moment. Every moment that you think you’re not in the right place or not having fun or joy, really pay attention to what this moment wants to teach you.
• Trust the timing of things. Diving timing is always perfect. There are no oversights or mistakes (or coincidences).
• Trust your body over your mind because your soul rings the bells of the temple loud and clear, before you can analyze why it feels a certain way. Cultivate prioritizing your body’s messages and needs.
• Be okay with moving slowly. Everything will happen as and when it needs to. Relax.
• Go with the flow.
• To relax in mind and body
• Be present, be fully here now
• Accept what is happening
• Trust it is for the best
• Let go of expectations or attachment to outcomes
• Feel your feelings. Allow them to surface in your body too.
• Respond in the present moment to whatever is coming up – give it attention, space, and appropriate nourishment
• Don’t worry or have anxiety or trip about the future – being present now will lead to where things and you need to move
• Dissolve ego – “I” didn’t do it well or badly. It was exactly as it was meant to be.
• Don’t be in regrets about the past. Trust that it was meant to be. And it’s over.
• Know that God is in the current moment, and that moment is a gift – the present – from where you can learn what you need to know right now.
• Pay attention to coincidences. They are not coincidences.
• Enjoy each moment. Every moment that you think you’re not in the right place or not having fun or joy, really pay attention to what this moment wants to teach you.
• Trust the timing of things. Diving timing is always perfect. There are no oversights or mistakes (or coincidences).
• Trust your body over your mind because your soul rings the bells of the temple loud and clear, before you can analyze why it feels a certain way. Cultivate prioritizing your body’s messages and needs.
• Be okay with moving slowly. Everything will happen as and when it needs to. Relax.
• Go with the flow.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Guilty Places
Do you know where the guilty places live? I often find myself going there. A secret compartment, that feeds my sense of badness. I am unworthy. I fucked up. Maybe others know about my badness, but nobody knows about the torture room I reserve for Revisiting Badness Hours.
That place grew out of genuine regret. I actually did something that likely caused a little or a lot of harm. From that place of self-awareness, grew a regret, and then a “What if…”. And so that room was created labeled with a big sign of the Very Bad Thing I did. And now I can visit whenever I want.
I tend to drop by there when I’m feeling low. Why is that? Am I not low enough already? Red flag. When you’re feeling bad and you do something that you *know* is going to make you feel worse, you can choose. Choose to focus on the current bad, the past bad, or a compounded effect that feeds a narrative of my badness. This cocktail will really require much more than aspirin to recover. Or you can choose to pay attention to what’s happening in the present moment – “ I’m feeling regretful and now I want to give up and melt into a puddle of shame. “ Notice that feeling, and don’t give up on yourself. Noticing is an immediate act of kindness that can help keep you in the present, and prevent further self-harm.
The other thing is, this idea of “I fucked up” can be healthy to a certain extent of self-reflection, but can also border on or cross over into the land of Perfectionism. It’s true, none of us are perfect. And there’s no point trying to be “perfect” because that’s a subjective and mythical concept, definitely not a SMART goal. Try instead to have Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely goals that make a difference in your life or self that you can actualize.
Here’s the thing about the Guilty Places - I keep them alive by seeking them out. So what if I stopped visiting? I’m not suggesting locking up the door and throwing away the key. Then you just have a room full of junk lying around. It’s a waste of perfectly good real estate. I’m suggesting purging. It takes the will to get down with the dirty, dusty mess. Getting your hands greasy, your knees scraped, and looking at all your shit. And facing that nasty feeling – “How did I end up with all this crap?” But don’t, don’t go there, now you’re just creating another Guilty Place. Instead, look at what you’re looking at. And clean your mess up. It means sorting, filing, throwing, recycling, and learning how to do this better next time. It takes time, and energy – but not the draining kind of energy that it takes to keep from opening the door. The good kind of energy that comes from being productive. If you work through it, you will actually get through it. And it takes support and vulnerability. You might be afraid to let someone look inside that closet with you, but you’ll be relieved when you’re not alone in there with that musty smell. It’s also not their shit, so hopefully it doesn’t daunt them too much. Those who truly love you will not leave you there alone, once they know about that place.
And when that room is free, dusted, swept and mopped, you’ll breathe in cleaner air that will actually nourish you. You will have more room for to breathe because that place is inside you. It’s inside me too. I’m working on purging, one slow room at a time.
If you want to be a better person and not hurt someone else (again), then your chances of doing that are much higher if you stay in the present and give yourself opportunities to try new ways. And to pay attention when you start to cause harm. If you remain in the past and stuck in the Guilty Places, you are feeding a narrative of “I can’t be better than this. This is who I am” which is not helpful to any of us. Staying there makes you less able to notice now. So go on and do your work. Clean house. Let go. Forgive yourself and breathe more deeply. Do it for all of us because we need you to be present for what happens next – the possibility of joy lives on. Possibility always, and only, lives in the present.
That place grew out of genuine regret. I actually did something that likely caused a little or a lot of harm. From that place of self-awareness, grew a regret, and then a “What if…”. And so that room was created labeled with a big sign of the Very Bad Thing I did. And now I can visit whenever I want.
I tend to drop by there when I’m feeling low. Why is that? Am I not low enough already? Red flag. When you’re feeling bad and you do something that you *know* is going to make you feel worse, you can choose. Choose to focus on the current bad, the past bad, or a compounded effect that feeds a narrative of my badness. This cocktail will really require much more than aspirin to recover. Or you can choose to pay attention to what’s happening in the present moment – “ I’m feeling regretful and now I want to give up and melt into a puddle of shame. “ Notice that feeling, and don’t give up on yourself. Noticing is an immediate act of kindness that can help keep you in the present, and prevent further self-harm.
The other thing is, this idea of “I fucked up” can be healthy to a certain extent of self-reflection, but can also border on or cross over into the land of Perfectionism. It’s true, none of us are perfect. And there’s no point trying to be “perfect” because that’s a subjective and mythical concept, definitely not a SMART goal. Try instead to have Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely goals that make a difference in your life or self that you can actualize.
Here’s the thing about the Guilty Places - I keep them alive by seeking them out. So what if I stopped visiting? I’m not suggesting locking up the door and throwing away the key. Then you just have a room full of junk lying around. It’s a waste of perfectly good real estate. I’m suggesting purging. It takes the will to get down with the dirty, dusty mess. Getting your hands greasy, your knees scraped, and looking at all your shit. And facing that nasty feeling – “How did I end up with all this crap?” But don’t, don’t go there, now you’re just creating another Guilty Place. Instead, look at what you’re looking at. And clean your mess up. It means sorting, filing, throwing, recycling, and learning how to do this better next time. It takes time, and energy – but not the draining kind of energy that it takes to keep from opening the door. The good kind of energy that comes from being productive. If you work through it, you will actually get through it. And it takes support and vulnerability. You might be afraid to let someone look inside that closet with you, but you’ll be relieved when you’re not alone in there with that musty smell. It’s also not their shit, so hopefully it doesn’t daunt them too much. Those who truly love you will not leave you there alone, once they know about that place.
And when that room is free, dusted, swept and mopped, you’ll breathe in cleaner air that will actually nourish you. You will have more room for to breathe because that place is inside you. It’s inside me too. I’m working on purging, one slow room at a time.
If you want to be a better person and not hurt someone else (again), then your chances of doing that are much higher if you stay in the present and give yourself opportunities to try new ways. And to pay attention when you start to cause harm. If you remain in the past and stuck in the Guilty Places, you are feeding a narrative of “I can’t be better than this. This is who I am” which is not helpful to any of us. Staying there makes you less able to notice now. So go on and do your work. Clean house. Let go. Forgive yourself and breathe more deeply. Do it for all of us because we need you to be present for what happens next – the possibility of joy lives on. Possibility always, and only, lives in the present.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Presence
Presence
The present. A present. Being present. Presence.
Last week I heard Laura van Dernoot Lipsky talk in a workshop called “Secondary Trauma and How to Reconcile its Impact”. She draws from her book Trauma Stewardship, and I learned a lot! (Plus I WON a free copy of the book….with 20 other people who ‘won’ the same raffle, and 50 other people who got it for free, but I feel very special nevertheless – she said to notice your blessings, I noticed.) One of her many wise points that resonated deeply is about Bring Present.
“Bring to everything your Exquisite Quality of Presence!”
Me? I could have an Exquisite Quality of Presence? I have an Exquisite Quality of Presence? This was not a totally new concept to me, but there’s just something about the word “Exquisite”. It is a great word to describe what it is. And I love it when people say it well, with full attention and due respect. So anyways, Laura had me at Exquisite.
First of all, what does it mean to Be Present?
***Mind body spirit heart are all in the same place at the same time***
Here are the reasons I feel compelled to bring my EQoP –
WHOLENESS
That’s what mind body spirit integration feels like. My therapist describes this as everything internally and my body feeling “congruent”. When I am faced with a dilemma, I know exactly what I feel when I am coming from an integrated place. When I am experiencing joy, I am experiencing it at all levels which takes the joy to a whole new level. This builds resiliency too. When I am feeling pain, I experience that intensely too at all levels. That may not sound appealing, but if we have the capacity for it (or want to build it), then being present for it helps to fully experience and release it. By dissociating or being absent, we suppress the root cause or symptoms which is not helping to build our survival skills. Instead, it forms coping patterns which help us survive in the short run, and have long term side-effects. Pros and cons. You get to choose what to do when.
HEALING
"The more consciousness you bring into the body, the stronger the immune system becomes. It is as if every cell awakens and rejoices. The body loves your attention. It is also a potent form of self-healing." - Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now)
Eckhart really knows his stuff. He also talks about how being absent makes your body feel like an abandoned house – unwanted things creep in without our noticing and protection. This imagery was really powerful for me. I want my house to feel like a home. I want the place that I rest, the body that shelters me, to feel appreciated and nurtured in turn. I want to take better care of it, so that it can take better care of me.
GRATITUDE
"Be completely present for all things wonderful; If we are going to be present for life's suffering, we will need all the nourishment and rejuvenation that comes from life's beauty." Thich Nhat Hanh
Being present allows us to hold a more complete picture of ourselves, the various contexts we belong to, and the world at large. Yes, there is pain and suffering. But there is also beauty, love, and magic. Everything happens all the time, you get to choose what you want to notice and absorb more of.
EMBODY EXQUISITE
When I start to drift mentally, get lost in the past or caught up in the future (both places where I have no control), I sometimes catch myself and recall my Presence back into my body. When I do that, I notice myself throwing my shoulders back a little more, chin up, spine straightening, and an internal resiliency strengthening. Why? I’m not sure, something about the E word just demands that. And then I start to feel more Exquisite.
PRESENCE
It’s true, when I am present – mind body spirit all in one place – I feel a sense of peace and connection. A sense of calmness and depth, like a lake. Pema Chodron talks about giving ourselves that undiluted attention so that you can look at the bottom of the lake and see all the junk, instead of churning it up with thoughts/distraction. When you look at everything with clarity and compassion, you see Everything. Then you Know.
OPENNESS
Being present is about 100% experiencing, not recording impressions/interpretations of experience. When you can do that, you have much better chances of responding instead of reacting. Triggers are less triggery, buttons are not easy to push. You become somebody who offers spaciousness. That is likely closer to your best self, and allows the other person a great platform to do the same.
LETTING GO
Also integral to the idea of being present is letting go. The moment that has just passed, no matter how wonderful or how traumatic, has gone. Let it go. Also, then you can practice ‘aparigraha’ (from Yoga philosophy) or non-grasping. The next moment offers a new possibility.
The present is a gift. You have it Now. It’s up to you to be here to receive it.
The present. A present. Being present. Presence.
Last week I heard Laura van Dernoot Lipsky talk in a workshop called “Secondary Trauma and How to Reconcile its Impact”. She draws from her book Trauma Stewardship, and I learned a lot! (Plus I WON a free copy of the book….with 20 other people who ‘won’ the same raffle, and 50 other people who got it for free, but I feel very special nevertheless – she said to notice your blessings, I noticed.) One of her many wise points that resonated deeply is about Bring Present.
“Bring to everything your Exquisite Quality of Presence!”
Me? I could have an Exquisite Quality of Presence? I have an Exquisite Quality of Presence? This was not a totally new concept to me, but there’s just something about the word “Exquisite”. It is a great word to describe what it is. And I love it when people say it well, with full attention and due respect. So anyways, Laura had me at Exquisite.
First of all, what does it mean to Be Present?
***Mind body spirit heart are all in the same place at the same time***
Here are the reasons I feel compelled to bring my EQoP –
WHOLENESS
That’s what mind body spirit integration feels like. My therapist describes this as everything internally and my body feeling “congruent”. When I am faced with a dilemma, I know exactly what I feel when I am coming from an integrated place. When I am experiencing joy, I am experiencing it at all levels which takes the joy to a whole new level. This builds resiliency too. When I am feeling pain, I experience that intensely too at all levels. That may not sound appealing, but if we have the capacity for it (or want to build it), then being present for it helps to fully experience and release it. By dissociating or being absent, we suppress the root cause or symptoms which is not helping to build our survival skills. Instead, it forms coping patterns which help us survive in the short run, and have long term side-effects. Pros and cons. You get to choose what to do when.
HEALING
"The more consciousness you bring into the body, the stronger the immune system becomes. It is as if every cell awakens and rejoices. The body loves your attention. It is also a potent form of self-healing." - Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now)
Eckhart really knows his stuff. He also talks about how being absent makes your body feel like an abandoned house – unwanted things creep in without our noticing and protection. This imagery was really powerful for me. I want my house to feel like a home. I want the place that I rest, the body that shelters me, to feel appreciated and nurtured in turn. I want to take better care of it, so that it can take better care of me.
GRATITUDE
"Be completely present for all things wonderful; If we are going to be present for life's suffering, we will need all the nourishment and rejuvenation that comes from life's beauty." Thich Nhat Hanh
Being present allows us to hold a more complete picture of ourselves, the various contexts we belong to, and the world at large. Yes, there is pain and suffering. But there is also beauty, love, and magic. Everything happens all the time, you get to choose what you want to notice and absorb more of.
EMBODY EXQUISITE
When I start to drift mentally, get lost in the past or caught up in the future (both places where I have no control), I sometimes catch myself and recall my Presence back into my body. When I do that, I notice myself throwing my shoulders back a little more, chin up, spine straightening, and an internal resiliency strengthening. Why? I’m not sure, something about the E word just demands that. And then I start to feel more Exquisite.
PRESENCE
It’s true, when I am present – mind body spirit all in one place – I feel a sense of peace and connection. A sense of calmness and depth, like a lake. Pema Chodron talks about giving ourselves that undiluted attention so that you can look at the bottom of the lake and see all the junk, instead of churning it up with thoughts/distraction. When you look at everything with clarity and compassion, you see Everything. Then you Know.
OPENNESS
Being present is about 100% experiencing, not recording impressions/interpretations of experience. When you can do that, you have much better chances of responding instead of reacting. Triggers are less triggery, buttons are not easy to push. You become somebody who offers spaciousness. That is likely closer to your best self, and allows the other person a great platform to do the same.
LETTING GO
Also integral to the idea of being present is letting go. The moment that has just passed, no matter how wonderful or how traumatic, has gone. Let it go. Also, then you can practice ‘aparigraha’ (from Yoga philosophy) or non-grasping. The next moment offers a new possibility.
The present is a gift. You have it Now. It’s up to you to be here to receive it.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Playlists
The other day I was cooking and feeling too busy/lazy to create a music playlist so I did this really risky thing - I put it on random shuffle! And then the most amazing thing happened. I learned something from it. Part of the joy of being a training junkie is that I learn something from most things. So here's what happened.
No attachment or aversion (as I learned from yoga). I didn't know what was on the list, so I wasn't waiting for a particular favorite song. Which meant, I wasn't waiting. I was just listening to what was playing, and appreciating it in the moment, because it was a surprise. Being present, another something I am TRYING to learn, and is constantly reinforced in yoga (yogis would never say rein'force', gentle loving encouragement is more like it). Also, when a song came on that I (thought I) disliked, I wasn't prepared so my 'dislike antenna' was down. So when it came on, I could actually listen to that too, and appreciate it. For a second, I had an impulse to skip ahead. But here was an opportunity to practice being open - I checked myself and let go of control. I decided to hear the song out. What did it have to say to me? And I heard whatever messages I was meant to, they surprised me, maybe resonated with my mood, maybe answered a question, and then I knew it was okay to let go and play music on shuffle. With this neutrality restored, lack of anticipation or dislike, there is no energy wasted in managing the situation to make it better. Not trying to make things better = contentment. I just enjoyed the whole listening to music while cooking experience so much more. That's life?
But of course, then there's the pleasure of creating a favorites list. It's magic. Pleasure of anticipation + a guaranteed positive outcome. Can't beat that. For example, a recent GC xmas staycation - good friends, good food, larry, dance movie - that is an ultimate highlights package. Who doesn't want that once in a while? Can't overdo it though, or it loses its charm. Plus it takes more/better to get the same high.
So what do you do if the playlist sucks? You're on a roadtrip for work, so it's a carpool situation where the driver is the DJ (duh!) and you are with coworkers you don't know very well, but they seem 'nice'. You don't like any of the songs, but each one sucks more than the previous one, you can't change the station, nobody brought CDs, and you are pissed off. You keep hoping the next song will be better but it just does not happen.
No control.
Frustration.
"Why me?"
Annoyed with others who seem to like the music, or are plugged into their own headphones/iTunes situation, what do you do? Okay, here are some options. You can -
* Switch off. Let your mind shut everything and everyone out. Relax into nothingness.
* Sleep. Maybe some MoonDrops could help?
* Change stations mentally. Think about what you would rather be listening to, or the fun things you'll do once you get out of this annoying carpool.
* Talk to one of the other passengers about something else, to distract yourself.
* Start complaining loudly about how the music sucks. Ultimately the driver feels bad enough that she changes the station.
* Call a friend not in the car. It's obnoxious for other people but you can take care of yourself. You prefer your known friend (attachment) to this group of carpool strangers who have bad taste in music (aversion). Also, you got to catch up with an old friend so you feel warm and fuzzy about reconnecting, but you lost an opportunity to connect with new people, to discover.
* Joke about how the music is not to your taste. You might find some other people in the car agreeing with you, and some disagreeing. Now there are those you identify with, and those you disidentify with ("other" from) - community of sorts.
Before you know it, or maybe you felt each and every second, or maybe you spent all the time evaluating/trying out the various options - the ride is over. You are now in a position to choose your own music. Happiness is within reach again.
Any other ideas for how you might navigate that bad-music-roadtrip?
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