Intentions for a New Life

It is in surrender that the lotus blooms.

2012 is the Year of Surrender, the Year of Bliss, the Year of Life, the Year of 30!

i am free.


i am completely healed and whole.


i am letting go....
... of the past, of unhealthy habits people behaviors thoughts attachments, of pain, of worry about the future, of anxiety, of stress, of trauma, of repression, of anything that does not grow me in positive ways.

i am moving...
... moving on, moving forward, moving my body, moving my mind, moving at the pace of my beautiful heart.

i am open...
... to a New Life, to meeting lots of new people, to interesting and joyous experiences, to new ways of living and thinking and feeling and responding, to receiving the marvelous blessings that Guruji is always showering me with, to new tastes, new sounds, new pleasures, to healing, to being corrected (kindly and lovingly), to going with the flow, to magic, to love, to passion, to seeing in new ways, to growth (even the growing pains)...

i am seeking...
... domestic bliss, joy in my daily work, surrender in my daily life, success in doing meaningful work, structure, discipline, a balance of that with the newness of the unknown, adventures, relaxation, grounding, movement, an active and vibrant life in this city, more connection with loving family, great friends, great lovers, blissful sex, frequent laughter, to discover places & flavors & self, to be blown away so hard that my mind has stopped and my body is seeing hearing speaking in its strongest voice, and is seen heard and responded to. i am seeking wholeness, nothing less than blossoming my core beautiful powerful blessed fierce bold and true self.

i am committed to...
... working out! getting stronger, to frequent yoga at home and in community, to being loving true and courageous always, to dancing often at home and in community, to the health of my heart, to the well-being of my spirit, to wealth redistribution, to being transparent about my life and my values and my process, to undoing my own bullshit, to letting go, to finding others seekers and devotees and those who live by heart and spirit, to fulfilling my potential as an artist, as a writer and a poet and a performer and a dancer and photographer and a painter and a sketcher, to dedicating structured and frequent time to my art, to putting out my art, to being vulnerable, to making an income as an artist, to mentoring, to receiving mentorship, to being fiercely truthful and fiercely kind, to laughter, to exploring my sexuality, to relaxing, to going with the flow, to trusting myself, to choosing surrender instead of anxiety, to hope, to trusting that things will work out, to spending quality time with people i love and people i like, to blooming, to speaking if necessary even when terrified, to checking my consumerism and materialism, to responding to my needs in a prompt and loving way, to laughing a lot, to being myself, to not holding back, to living freely and with joyous abandon, to kissing when i feel like it, to good fashion, to taking the necessary steps to becoming a therapist, to cooking delish & nourishing meals in community and for myself, to finding a good balance between solitude and company, to believing that i deserve good things, to reading lots of books, to poetry, to forgiveness, to creating a beautiful soulful home that is a sanctuary to all who rest there even in passing, to going after the great things i want in my life and the great people, to being generous, to ease...
to truth, beauty and love
to God
to nourishing my own divinity
to life

i am committed to living this wild life wholly and joyously!

i am committed to seeking and choosing the light, and to all that makes flowers bloom.

i am committed to making quality time for myself, to stop making to-do lists which only stress me out, to appreciate myself for who i am and who i'm becoming and not just for what i do. i am committed to doing the best that i humanly can at a happy pace.

My intention this year, and forever, is to live with ecstasy, lightness & integrity.

All magic lies within the experience of living meaning fully.

love-light and butterflight

often when people die we cry. we get sad. we mourn. we miss them. sometimes we think that death is random, or perhaps unfair, or maybe untimely, or unwanted, or cruel. but we can say all those things about life. life is bizarre. we know bio-logic-ally how people get pregnant, but really, that is some random magic we have accepted as logic. penis, vagina, sperm, swimming, egg, fertilization, conception, birth.

but really, why is it that way? we don't know. it could have been any one of a gazillion ways. and why does the baby come out of the vagina, or as my friend once described - what business does a watermelon have coming out of a lemon? it's puzzling. i'm about to become a maasi. coming-soon baby has the outsides shaped, and the insides are being carved. it is pretty close to fully developed now, having grown from a sunflower seed size to a mango. it could come out now, and it would be a lot easier and less painful for my sister, actually for mango baby too. but no, these paths are not meant to be. life is hard. we are always going to be watermelons trying to squeeze through lemons, not believing it to be possible, because of our large size (ego/ physical mind) and hard shell (physical body).

but actually, we underestimate ourselves. we are much more collapsible, deflatable, twistable, shrinkable, and adaptable than we imagined. we only know our bigness, the space we want to occupy. but we have forgotten our smallness, the space we come from, the space that remains intact inside us, the core seed. when life is hard, we are forced (or we learn) to shed our extra layers, to pass through the eye of the needle and still retain our essence. when we think we have nothing or nobody, we shrink. we go deep within, into the quiet dark magic that we came from, to access our godliness. life can be random, unfair, untimely, unwanted, or cruel. death can be perfect, and beautiful.

we are but butterflies, constantly in metamorphosis. and like every transformation that is radical and beautiful, it is painful.

i welcome the shapes that are emerging. and remember to cocoon yourself in love and light to get you through the pain meanwhile.

for neena goswamy and emil paddison.

Playlists

The other day I was cooking and feeling too busy/lazy to create a music playlist so I did this really risky thing - I put it on random shuffle! And then the most amazing thing happened. I learned something from it. Part of the joy of being a training junkie is that I learn something from most things. So here's what happened.

No attachment or aversion (as I learned from yoga). I didn't know what was on the list, so I wasn't waiting for a particular favorite song. Which meant, I wasn't waiting. I was just listening to what was playing, and appreciating it in the moment, because it was a surprise. Being present, another something I am TRYING to learn, and is constantly reinforced in yoga (yogis would never say rein'force', gentle loving encouragement is more like it). Also, when a song came on that I (thought I) disliked, I wasn't prepared so my 'dislike antenna' was down. So when it came on, I could actually listen to that too, and appreciate it. For a second, I had an impulse to skip ahead. But here was an opportunity to practice being open - I checked myself and let go of control. I decided to hear the song out. What did it have to say to me? And I heard whatever messages I was meant to, they surprised me, maybe resonated with my mood, maybe answered a question, and then I knew it was okay to let go and play music on shuffle. With this neutrality restored, lack of anticipation or dislike, there is no energy wasted in managing the situation to make it better. Not trying to make things better = contentment. I just enjoyed the whole listening to music while cooking experience so much more. That's life?

But of course, then there's the pleasure of creating a favorites list. It's magic. Pleasure of anticipation + a guaranteed positive outcome. Can't beat that. For example, a recent GC xmas staycation - good friends, good food, larry, dance movie - that is an ultimate highlights package. Who doesn't want that once in a while? Can't overdo it though, or it loses its charm. Plus it takes more/better to get the same high.

So what do you do if the playlist sucks? You're on a roadtrip for work, so it's a carpool situation where the driver is the DJ (duh!) and you are with coworkers you don't know very well, but they seem 'nice'. You don't like any of the songs, but each one sucks more than the previous one, you can't change the station, nobody brought CDs, and you are pissed off. You keep hoping the next song will be better but it just does not happen.

No control.

Frustration.

"Why me?"

Annoyed with others who seem to like the music, or are plugged into their own headphones/iTunes situation, what do you do? Okay, here are some options. You can -

* Switch off. Let your mind shut everything and everyone out. Relax into nothingness.

* Sleep. Maybe some MoonDrops could help?

* Change stations mentally. Think about what you would rather be listening to, or the fun things you'll do once you get out of this annoying carpool.

* Talk to one of the other passengers about something else, to distract yourself.

* Start complaining loudly about how the music sucks. Ultimately the driver feels bad enough that she changes the station.

* Call a friend not in the car. It's obnoxious for other people but you can take care of yourself. You prefer your known friend (attachment) to this group of carpool strangers who have bad taste in music (aversion). Also, you got to catch up with an old friend so you feel warm and fuzzy about reconnecting, but you lost an opportunity to connect with new people, to discover.

* Joke about how the music is not to your taste. You might find some other people in the car agreeing with you, and some disagreeing. Now there are those you identify with, and those you disidentify with ("other" from) - community of sorts.

Before you know it, or maybe you felt each and every second, or maybe you spent all the time evaluating/trying out the various options - the ride is over. You are now in a position to choose your own music. Happiness is within reach again.

Any other ideas for how you might navigate that bad-music-roadtrip?