Part 2: Ex-pression

So supposedly, ex-pression is the opposite of de-pression. Let’s examine.
Technically speaking, I can see it right away. Depress means to press down, to put energy into containing. And that visual also makes me think of internal pressure building up. To express is to externalize, to release, to let free. So it makes sense that that would de-escalate the internal pressure.

What lies beneath?

Expression requires a solid foundation – trust, validating yourself, letting go, and solid ground on which we take the risks to be out about who we are. Expressing more often helps us firm up the architecture. And trains our expressive muscles to develop. They really do need practice, like everything else in life. We practice things all the time, often without intention, often without action. But to reach the deepest potential of expression, we have to express often.

Depth of expression matters. When you release what’s on top, it only lightens the burden so much. It’s a good warm up though. And then, when you release the next layer, your breath is coming from a slightly deeper place. And then deeper, and deeper, and now you’re pretty close to your soul.

Expressiveness matters. The more authentic the expression gets, the more powerful, the more transformative the release. Sometimes you need to get creative, sometimes you need to get loud. Sometimes you need both at the same time. If it needs a picture, draw it. If it needs your voice, sing… scream… laugh. If it needs your body , dance… move….. run. If it needs space for a breakdown, clear the floor. If it needs movies to make you cry, rent them. Whatever you need, give yourself enough respect to ask, and then give yourself enough space to act. Act sooner than later because your body is housing your soul, it is safeguarding it. But it is also a pressure cooker with limited capacity. The more that our expression leaks out unintentionally, the lesser we will be able to hold on to ourselves with intention. We want to express, not explode.

For me, it’s writing (and dance. But dancing is a whole other story – we’ll come back to that one another time.) I am the closest to myself when I’m writing. When I feel what I’m feeling, I can write, I have to write. When I write, I understand more about myself. My mind comes back inside my body, the lake of my heart clears, becomes still, and I can feel the presence of my spirit. Often when I write, I don’t know what I “think” or “feel” at the beginning. But putting pen to paper allows a deeper honesty to emerge that bypasses the mind. It is more pure, and less afraid. It is an essence that comes through, evading permission, evading filters, and breezing out in pure freedom. It shows me more of who I am, and gives me comfort because the soul knows so much better than the mind.

Expression is not a showcase of talents, or it doesn’t have to be unless performing is a part of your authentic expression. It is a commitment to keep yourself open as a channel, for things that move in to have a safe and timely way to move out, leaving no toxic residues. Then we can be loose, limber, relaxed in our bodies. This relaxed adaptability has resilience in its calmness, and brings us back to our present, our presence. Expressing helps us go beyond surviving, to being more alive.

Part 1: De-pression

I read in this book called “Living Juicy: Daily Morsels for Your Creative Soul” by SARK that De-pression is the opposite of Ex-pression. Well, that left an Im-pression. Let’s investigate. This is part 1, looking at Depression.

This is what my intermingled Stress, Anxiety and Depression (notice that acronym? S.A.D.) looks like –

Waking up - I wake up, exhausted, not wanting to get out of bed, dreading the day.

Joyless - I drag myself out of bed because I have to. There’s work to be done. It feels joyless.

Overwhelm - There’s so much to be done. I’m overwhelmed looking at it, thinking about it.

Decision-making - It’s so hard to figure out what I should do first. I spend a lot of time organizing what needs to be done, but it takes forever because as I make the unending list, I keep going off on tangents trying to do easy/quick bits and pieces here and there, without accomplishing anything or really prioritizing.

Stress - By lunchtime, I’m dejected at the lack of progress, and now fewer hours to do the same amount. Stress level heightens.

Nutrition - So I delay lunch so I can “do something”, now I’m not eating on time, and probably eating crap. Feeling more tired and under-nourished as a result.

Life balance - In this overwhelming day, I cannot even get back to my therapist or schedule acupuncture. Let’s not even talk about yoga, or vitamins, or getting my car fixed. It’s working, the accident didn’t damage anything inside (self-diagnosed, since I haven’t gotten it inspected yet).

Getting by - The week drags on and every day I feel like I worked hard, did not get enough done, so must work harder the next day, and so I leave work with a tired sense and “tomorrow will be different”. But I don’t quite believe it anymore.

Connections - Now I look at my “Personal - Things to do” list and my heart sinks. I forgot to keep my phone date in the tight window between leaving work and driving to my next appointment. Yikes – I’m a bad friend too.

Consumed - The family and friends I am still regularly talking to – all they hear about is me being stressed or tired. Or when I’m really depressed – they don’t hear from me at all.

Self-judgment - And this whole time, I’m either venting or isolating, but either way I’m judging myself for being consumed with my stress, or for not responding enough, on time, or being really present.

Sleep - At some point of the night, probably 2 hours later than I should have, I crawl into bed to sleep. Or I should say, attempt to sleep. Now I’m stressing about the fact that I will only get 6.5 hours of sleep and I know I really need 8.5, every night – not to overcompensate on the weekend.

Body - Now I really feel the pain too. My lower back is killing me. I cannot get comfortable, forget pain-free. The frustration is overwhelming. My long day of unhappy uncomfortable postures is catching up.

Rest - I fall asleep at some restless point, wake up a couple more times in pain, too early for my alarm.

Groundhog Day - And when my alarm finally rings in the morning, I groggily try to open my eyes, unhappy about the rest-less night, and already tired at the thought of the long day ahead. A dreary deja-vu.

The motivation behind telling this story is – I have learned to recognize My Depression. It helps. And when you recognize it as Depression, you can begin to see it as an entity with a force of its own.

You’re still depressed, which means your energy is still zapped and the mind is a muddy lake. But now you can see the depression as the fog hanging low above the water. It is confusing things and making it hard to see/think clearly. But the fact that you can see it as fog means it is separate – it is not You. It is in you, with you, over you, on you. It is something you carry around, that is attached, sometimes when we don’t even know it. It talks. It talks all the time. Listening to it is frightening and exhausting. But hearing it makes me understand “It” as a Thing that I am dealing with. I can’t always switch it off – the voice that tells me things are hopeless and will never change, that I will not get anything I dream of or hope for, that I should just give up. It tells me it’s okay to eat popcorn for dinner because I have it so bad, that I can let go a little more. So I do eat the popcorn dinner, but don’t quite forgive myself for it - self- hate to garnish the lack of nutrition, ensuring I do not have the energy to shift things.

Depression plays on a set of circumstances bringing you down, AND, I say this next thing with ultimate compassion - it also furthers a victim identity. It makes us feel powerless, and then we become attached to the idea that bad things are always happening to us and we have no control or ability to change things. It gives us some relief – a reason to stop working so hard. So we stop trying. It feels like ‘letting go’, but really it’s giving up.

My friend gita once said “Sometimes its fucking radical that I get out of bed and have my day”. I agree, it really feels like that sometimes. And when it does, I just admire myself for being so fucking brave. And I treat myself, by writing about it so I can confess “I’m hurting. I need help”. That is more like letting go.

Once that happens, healing is inevitable.

Confessions

“ I have something to tell you.”

Who doesn’t love a story that begins with that sentence? I realized I love saying it as much as I love hearing it. Why? Because it is a doorway. Conversations are like mazes, you begin somewhere, start talking, start walking, feel your way around and end up somewhere. Good conversations follow many different paths through the maze, each one becoming a discovery, a shared exploration. So when we want to enter a pathway that feels more unknown, maybe a little scary, we preface it by saying certain things.

I’ve been wanting to tell you something.

I have a confession to make.

We need to talk.

There’s usually a pause, then an intent silence, when both people’s attention levels rise, and now there’s equilibrium, safety, trust. It’s a warning and a question and a request – “will you go here with me? Is it okay for me to go here? Will you really listen? Please listen carefully, gently. Please hold me with care as I make myself vulnerable.”

Once someone said the prefacing statement to me like this.

“I’ll tell you something. You won’t judge me.”

The part I really loved was “you won’t judge me.” Because it wasn’t an assessment, it was an order. She needed that in order to proceed with being honest, and she demanded it. I wish I knew how to do that more often.

So what kinds of things do people usually confess about?

Family. Love. Sex. Fear. Money. Guilt. Harm. Pain. Addiction. Abuse ….

I’m sure the list is endless. But in general, it’s Things we are ashamed of, traumatized by, afraid of, or embarrassed by. So then, why confess?

Cons

Judgement, vulnerability, risk, isolation, exclusion, backlash, violence, violation of confidentiality, misheard, misunderstood, loss.

Pros

* Letting go – whatever happens next happens.

* Being authentic - your whole self - speaking the truth, and being accepted for all of it, not

despite it.

* Risk being worth it –best case scenario, now you have positive reinforcement of trust.

* Giving someone an opportunity to – grow, explain, step up, transform the situation.

* HEALING – there’s nothing like it. the naming of Things is good for us. Of pain and joy. It rises up and out of our bodies, and is released – leaving us with a lighter burden to carry.

Isn’t that liberation? The ability to be yourself. The ability to see yourself as all that you are and still respect yourself. It doesn’t mean you are perfect, or need to become perfect. If you believe that, you will hold the same mirror to others – of expecting perfection – and I promise that they will ‘fail’ you. But what if everyone just tried to be less harmful, more loving? I would just love you for trying. The only reason or reward for holding on to perfection is to be better than others, in order to be able to ask that of others. And that, I learned from Cheri Huber’s “There Is Nothing Wrong With You” book, is a form of self-hate. It is a non-acceptance of your current self. Until you can relax into who you are, you cannot be “non-judgmental” of yourself or others.

All this to say, I recommend that you take a deep breath, make a confession, and then call your most trusted hotline to debrief! Here are some sample ways to begin –

“Dear Diary…”

“I realized something today…”

“guess what?!”

“whenever I look back, I really wish I hadn’t done that…”

“i’m not sure about this”

“I’m afraid that I will…”

“I’m afraid that you might…”

“I am sorry”

“I am hurting”

“I’m not happy”

“you’re not happy”

“ I think my relationship to __X__ is not great”

“I’m concerned about your relationship to ___Y___”

Ultimately, confessing is about being honest, authentic, and self-aware – hopefully in an environment of compassion. It requires trust and it deepens relationships. Until we start confessing, we cannot start dealing with what is. And seeing the very real possibilities of how to move from here. My confession for today is that I am learning to be more honest. I usually prioritize “niceness” or “safety” over truth, sometimes hard truths to face or to disclose. But then it’s not nice or safe to be inauthentic. And I trust my intentions and my compassion enough to continue taking more risks.

Confessions really are like doorways. You don’t know what path or room you’re entering, but that’s the risk and the opportunity.

Playlists

The other day I was cooking and feeling too busy/lazy to create a music playlist so I did this really risky thing - I put it on random shuffle! And then the most amazing thing happened. I learned something from it. Part of the joy of being a training junkie is that I learn something from most things. So here's what happened.

No attachment or aversion (as I learned from yoga). I didn't know what was on the list, so I wasn't waiting for a particular favorite song. Which meant, I wasn't waiting. I was just listening to what was playing, and appreciating it in the moment, because it was a surprise. Being present, another something I am TRYING to learn, and is constantly reinforced in yoga (yogis would never say rein'force', gentle loving encouragement is more like it). Also, when a song came on that I (thought I) disliked, I wasn't prepared so my 'dislike antenna' was down. So when it came on, I could actually listen to that too, and appreciate it. For a second, I had an impulse to skip ahead. But here was an opportunity to practice being open - I checked myself and let go of control. I decided to hear the song out. What did it have to say to me? And I heard whatever messages I was meant to, they surprised me, maybe resonated with my mood, maybe answered a question, and then I knew it was okay to let go and play music on shuffle. With this neutrality restored, lack of anticipation or dislike, there is no energy wasted in managing the situation to make it better. Not trying to make things better = contentment. I just enjoyed the whole listening to music while cooking experience so much more. That's life?

But of course, then there's the pleasure of creating a favorites list. It's magic. Pleasure of anticipation + a guaranteed positive outcome. Can't beat that. For example, a recent GC xmas staycation - good friends, good food, larry, dance movie - that is an ultimate highlights package. Who doesn't want that once in a while? Can't overdo it though, or it loses its charm. Plus it takes more/better to get the same high.

So what do you do if the playlist sucks? You're on a roadtrip for work, so it's a carpool situation where the driver is the DJ (duh!) and you are with coworkers you don't know very well, but they seem 'nice'. You don't like any of the songs, but each one sucks more than the previous one, you can't change the station, nobody brought CDs, and you are pissed off. You keep hoping the next song will be better but it just does not happen.

No control.

Frustration.

"Why me?"

Annoyed with others who seem to like the music, or are plugged into their own headphones/iTunes situation, what do you do? Okay, here are some options. You can -

* Switch off. Let your mind shut everything and everyone out. Relax into nothingness.

* Sleep. Maybe some MoonDrops could help?

* Change stations mentally. Think about what you would rather be listening to, or the fun things you'll do once you get out of this annoying carpool.

* Talk to one of the other passengers about something else, to distract yourself.

* Start complaining loudly about how the music sucks. Ultimately the driver feels bad enough that she changes the station.

* Call a friend not in the car. It's obnoxious for other people but you can take care of yourself. You prefer your known friend (attachment) to this group of carpool strangers who have bad taste in music (aversion). Also, you got to catch up with an old friend so you feel warm and fuzzy about reconnecting, but you lost an opportunity to connect with new people, to discover.

* Joke about how the music is not to your taste. You might find some other people in the car agreeing with you, and some disagreeing. Now there are those you identify with, and those you disidentify with ("other" from) - community of sorts.

Before you know it, or maybe you felt each and every second, or maybe you spent all the time evaluating/trying out the various options - the ride is over. You are now in a position to choose your own music. Happiness is within reach again.

Any other ideas for how you might navigate that bad-music-roadtrip?