The Guilty Places

Do you know where the guilty places live? I often find myself going there. A secret compartment, that feeds my sense of badness. I am unworthy. I fucked up. Maybe others know about my badness, but nobody knows about the torture room I reserve for Revisiting Badness Hours.

That place grew out of genuine regret. I actually did something that likely caused a little or a lot of harm. From that place of self-awareness, grew a regret, and then a “What if…”. And so that room was created labeled with a big sign of the Very Bad Thing I did. And now I can visit whenever I want.

I tend to drop by there when I’m feeling low. Why is that? Am I not low enough already? Red flag. When you’re feeling bad and you do something that you *know* is going to make you feel worse, you can choose. Choose to focus on the current bad, the past bad, or a compounded effect that feeds a narrative of my badness. This cocktail will really require much more than aspirin to recover. Or you can choose to pay attention to what’s happening in the present moment – “ I’m feeling regretful and now I want to give up and melt into a puddle of shame. “ Notice that feeling, and don’t give up on yourself. Noticing is an immediate act of kindness that can help keep you in the present, and prevent further self-harm.

The other thing is, this idea of “I fucked up” can be healthy to a certain extent of self-reflection, but can also border on or cross over into the land of Perfectionism. It’s true, none of us are perfect. And there’s no point trying to be “perfect” because that’s a subjective and mythical concept, definitely not a SMART goal. Try instead to have Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely goals that make a difference in your life or self that you can actualize.

Here’s the thing about the Guilty Places - I keep them alive by seeking them out. So what if I stopped visiting? I’m not suggesting locking up the door and throwing away the key. Then you just have a room full of junk lying around. It’s a waste of perfectly good real estate. I’m suggesting purging. It takes the will to get down with the dirty, dusty mess. Getting your hands greasy, your knees scraped, and looking at all your shit. And facing that nasty feeling – “How did I end up with all this crap?” But don’t, don’t go there, now you’re just creating another Guilty Place. Instead, look at what you’re looking at. And clean your mess up. It means sorting, filing, throwing, recycling, and learning how to do this better next time. It takes time, and energy – but not the draining kind of energy that it takes to keep from opening the door. The good kind of energy that comes from being productive. If you work through it, you will actually get through it. And it takes support and vulnerability. You might be afraid to let someone look inside that closet with you, but you’ll be relieved when you’re not alone in there with that musty smell. It’s also not their shit, so hopefully it doesn’t daunt them too much. Those who truly love you will not leave you there alone, once they know about that place.
And when that room is free, dusted, swept and mopped, you’ll breathe in cleaner air that will actually nourish you. You will have more room for to breathe because that place is inside you. It’s inside me too. I’m working on purging, one slow room at a time.

If you want to be a better person and not hurt someone else (again), then your chances of doing that are much higher if you stay in the present and give yourself opportunities to try new ways. And to pay attention when you start to cause harm. If you remain in the past and stuck in the Guilty Places, you are feeding a narrative of “I can’t be better than this. This is who I am” which is not helpful to any of us. Staying there makes you less able to notice now. So go on and do your work. Clean house. Let go. Forgive yourself and breathe more deeply. Do it for all of us because we need you to be present for what happens next – the possibility of joy lives on. Possibility always, and only, lives in the present.

Pain Blessings

Love hurts.

No pain, no gain.

I don’t believe in these kind of pain-normalizing idioms. BUT, I do believe that physical pain can serve as a blessing in disguise. It tells us what needs attention in our body, where, and usually an indication of how to fix it. It keeps us present.

The body hurts not because it has turned on you. How could it? It houses your soul. However, that is a responsibility the body-temple takes seriously. When we act, think, or feel in ways that are throwing us off balance, the body takes corrective action, instantly. We have a lot to learn from paying attention to our body’s needs and messages.

Take headaches, for example. For me, a headache is often the result of too much thinking, simply put. Being in my head, immersed in the past or tripping about the future, energy painfully concentrated in my brain. When I try dispersing that energy throughout my body, I notice my shallow breathing, stuck in the chest. I start to bring my attention back. I relax, and take deeper breaths. The pain eases.

Take deep breaths, for example. Breath nourishes life. When you breathe deeply you send oxygen into your gut. You are directly feeding your core, and the subconscious mind is then better able to communicate with you. The disguise part of the blessing is our spiritual challenge to understand and read the pain as a call for attention, an opportunity for growth, or simply to slow down and breathe.

Next time you experience pain, stop. Pay attention. Ask it why. Notice where. What do you intuitively do or reach for in order to ease the pain? When has this happened before? Notice your surroundings. Is this triggering something for you? Breathe. Your body is your friend, it loves you and wants you to treat it with love.

Love is all about care, attention , respect, mutuality, and trust. So listen to your body, respect its desires, and treat it with respect. Love doesn’t have to hurt :)