We love Manhattan. It’s clear. If one of us has to go on a day off, we tend to make a date of it. Today for me was the gastroenterologist’s office as Tiara headed to yoga, sitting by the fountain at the base of Central Park…..delicious warm kale and quinoa bowl …. looking for parking…. inside the park…..seeing the police and trusting signs…... family conversations on text and story-telling….move-watching……conversations…writing. Here I am, feeling full and incomplete at the same time.
Doc gave me a diet chart / recommendations on how to reduce abdominal pain and discomfort and bloating. The medical system used to frustrate me a lot, even cause intense suffering. While that’s legit and still so many people’s experience, I have come to have a different attitude and approach that is infinitely more bearable. I am now patient and accept that this is steady, ongoing work. I don’t go to see a doctor with all my hopes in one basket, or a prayer-filled heart desperately seeking. Now, I write a POP (my desired outcomes from the visit) and make sure I share them during the meeting. I am better at gleaning relevant information, asking the necessary questions to complete my picture, and balancing my effort with gratitude for all that I am receiving. These days I am especially grateful for a robust health insurance, and going to town on it.
Earlier, I used to get disappointed when tests did not reveal anything because I had no further clarity, but now I see that getting the test done is actually the win. I have eliminated a potential root cause, or additional problem. So every test coming back either negative is a success, or positive adds to clarity and I am feeling so strong and clear and grateful and focused. I’m meeting competent healthcare staff who are also learning and changing from their medical experiences, just like me. So once I’ve eliminated all the options, I’ll be left with so many things still within my power to change – exercise, meditation, nutrition. I read that somewhere recently and it struck a powerful chord. I would also add self-love to that. Perhaps that happens in meditation already, or perhaps it happens through our exercise and nutrition choices. I don’t know, I’ve never been 100% disciplined about any of these.
The only thing I’ve ever had a 100% success rate for, was from the ages of 5 to 20 in taking medication and following medical treatments to the T. I did it out of a sense of conscience, my mom was investing so much heart and energy into my healing, I felt like my body was her body. And it was, it came from her. We are a part of each other. It took me a while to realize this, perhaps until now. We do contract together and bloom together, and there are others attached to our stems and leaves and petals. The family ecosystem breathes as a whole living organism. This family is heart and blood and choice and soul and many generations ago and beyond. This is the heart of the universe.
As I was saying, about medication, so after the age of 21, when I met Guruji, it was over. No more meds for me. And although I’ve even gone back and forth on that too over the years from then until 32/now, I could never again have 100% success rate at any of those life discipline things. The perfectly-following-a-set-of-instructions streak is broken. Who knows, maybe that’s a good thing, something that is my constant imperfection and humanity. And who else know, maybe that’s a terrible thing that I need to spiritually improve upon. I go back and forth.
Maybe I wasn’t perfectly following a set of instructions all that time. What if I was learning necessary anchors for living – routine and surrender? This could be just the mantra I need as I try to rebuild my connection to and practice of yoga.