Loving from a place of Radical Abundance

i know so little

i like that

it is exhausting to know too much

i've been feeling lost in my quest to understand romantic love. i've been asked to envision it, or to embody the feeling i want. i don't quite know what that is.

i just watched this love song video, this song is a long time fave.

as i watched and listened, i smiled so hard i threw my head back and laughed. my arms found their way to the sky, and fingers came to rest behind my head, intertwined.

i remembered what little i do know of love

it makes me bloom

anybody can tell from that smile, the one that makes your jaw ache but you can't stop

there is an aura. i can't describe it.

in love is a lot of yearning, and discovering a sweet pleasure in that want

in my kind of loving there is all kinds of touch. burning, surrendering, aching, meeting, reaching...connecting, through touching

and there is lots of daydreaming, unstoppable reminiscing from the kinds of touching last night

love makes me wild and free

loving like that requires my active permission.

it requires me waking up, fully.

it's better with surrender, with giving up control

there are struggles. in the search for truth, this is inevitable, and welcome

loving deepens safety through trust

there is lots of not-talking

i am certain that loving feels like the magnificent ocean, and also a long curvaceous river

and also a roller-coaster, the good kind! lots of spots where my stomach butterflies dip in anticipation, and then sweep up in a massive migration of ascension

words that are spoken are authentic

there is lots of running fingers through each other's hair

and massages

and deep communication through deep looking

there is sunshine and lots of other people who are part of this romantic landscape who are friends and family and babies and aunties and coworkers and roommates and neighbors and former schoolteachers and people i met yesterday or a long time ago

there are yummilicious food fests.

sometimes, there is making of food together

other times, i cook, somebody else cleans.

there is lots of movie-watching while cuddling on the couch or in bed. roommates, fam, friends are welcome to join (most of the time :) ) pets are a maybe (or welcome sometimes, fewer times).

there are private poetry readings, often. perhaps daily

lots of learning

lots of growing

lots of opportunities to become a better human being

lots of ego-shattering

lots of humility

lots of laughter

oodles and oodles of sex

i'm pretty certain that love is visible

my kind of romantic love is both sexy and tender

and involves lots of dancing

and super fun dates

things are spontaneous

and fights are respectful

trust is never broken

but mistakes happen

they are not mistakes, they are learnings

my loving is about giving abundantly

not stemming from insecurities

not transactional

there is mutual inspiration

and admiration

and sexytime

part of giving is forgiving

letting go of pride and always and never and comparisons and past hurts

there is   s p a c i o u s n e s s

the freedom to be your selves

to pursue your own dreams

and have separate friends, and passions, and sometimes rooms

but hopefully, sleeping time is together time

and waking up is slow and kissy

or fast and sexy

or unsatisfying because there is not enough time, but this makes for a day of desire-filled distraction

and hopefully there is a balance between giving of ourselves and our loving labor to our families and friends and communities and work and social change movements, and to ourselves, and to the relationship

and even if there is not that balance, because it is a daily dance, there is at least the shared desire for balance, and trying

there is always trying

there are candles, often

there is wooing

and dressing up

and seducing

and melting

and delight from one look

there is patience and urgency and a sense of security and not taking it for granted

babies are a maybe

there is follow through, from changing the lightbulbs to self-improvement goals


there is no looking back.

there is no holding back

there is magic

and fire

the love i envision is transcendental, it a portal to spiritual growth.
and yet, it does not demand perfection.

it involves a very human and spiritual process of choosing to love by accepting and healing and working on ourselves first. from this centered place, we choose to create intimate relationships based on a sense of fulfilled self, and a desire for connection and partnership, not completion.

we accept and do not try to change others.

of course, we fuck up. our actions hurt others. we get hurt. in my radical vision of love, in this difficult moment, our hearts seize the opportunity to expand further. trying to keep the heart open is a brave reaching for connection with another human being, but even more so, we are fighting for our own healing. this is truly revolutionary. it would be so much easier to be alone, and to be right, and to settle for feeling wronged.


but we choose to love from a place of radical abundance, because we give ourselves enough too. we love ourselves enough not to give up. so we give ourselves a lot of grace while repeating our own patterns. the truest meditation is not about maintaining undiverted attention. without failure there would be no trying for improvement. our practice is about the determined returning, over and over and over. in that practice, we develop a way to live. in that way of living, we offer a gift to ourselves and to all the people in our world. this is worth it, because we are worth becoming that kind of person.

thank you Don Miguel Ruiz, for writing "the Mastery of Love" and Jeannie, for giving it to me

the Vulnerability of Desire

how did i get here, and why am i so blessed? the answer to both questions is the same, but it provides no reason, simply gratitude. and the joy of looking back at the long story, the whole night sky, and to see the random stars lit up in a constellation i can now give a name to. it was all miraculous even in the absence of a name.

i am repeatedly grateful for the incredible domestic bliss i live in, with Jeannie. it has changed me, inspired me, delighted me, blossomed me, and opened me up to the genuine possibility of various other forms of domestic bliss.

i am still in awe of the work that i do and get paid for, that brings my fire to liberatory work and heals me as an activist and human being. the people i work with daily are a homecoming for my soul - Elspeth, Zara, Jessie, Mike, Sarah SS and Sarah A. And all my emeRGing POC leaders.

Satsang. Guruji. Sangat. these blessings i have no words for, because how do you honor the life that has had all illusion burned off, with essence emerging from the flame? by living it fully, is the best i can come up with.  i am, finally, giving myself permission to live the life i fought so hard for.

these things are beautiful, and something else is happening.

i've been getting a lot of messages about courage recently.

i wasn't sure what they were leading to, or what they meant for me to figure out in this moment.

then, a woman with eyes the color of the ocean said, "it is vulnerable to want things, and to admit that we care."

it takes courage to face the vulnerability of our desires. it take even more courage, to go after what we want, to try. i don't really care about ideas of succeeding or failing. i care about trying.

yesterday was my half-birthday. i have been 30 for six months and an immense metamorphosis is underway. i'm deciding to face the spot on the horizon that my heart is drawn to, so my life can flow in that direction.


i desire a healing life, one where each day is lived like a blessing. one where i live in pauses and anchors, and every single thing i do is an act of restoring my self.

i ache to root in Home, one that is a physical sanctuary as much as an emotional and spiritual one, one that has longevity in community.

i desire blissful love that is sexy as hell, and embodies freedom...

i am burning to write many many books, that many many people read and are healed and transformed by. there is poetry here, there is art, there are stories and essays. and so much faith.



and with the same courage it has taken me to recognize and name these desires, i am letting go of them. this is not to say that i don't still wish, but my daily bliss will not wait, it will not depend on these things happening. there is much to the fullness of the current moment.

And i deeply trust that those other things are in the works. Desire in this instance, and perhaps always, for me, is actually the intuitive process of opening up to what is already unfolding.