the Vulnerability of Desire

how did i get here, and why am i so blessed? the answer to both questions is the same, but it provides no reason, simply gratitude. and the joy of looking back at the long story, the whole night sky, and to see the random stars lit up in a constellation i can now give a name to. it was all miraculous even in the absence of a name.

i am repeatedly grateful for the incredible domestic bliss i live in, with Jeannie. it has changed me, inspired me, delighted me, blossomed me, and opened me up to the genuine possibility of various other forms of domestic bliss.

i am still in awe of the work that i do and get paid for, that brings my fire to liberatory work and heals me as an activist and human being. the people i work with daily are a homecoming for my soul - Elspeth, Zara, Jessie, Mike, Sarah SS and Sarah A. And all my emeRGing POC leaders.

Satsang. Guruji. Sangat. these blessings i have no words for, because how do you honor the life that has had all illusion burned off, with essence emerging from the flame? by living it fully, is the best i can come up with.  i am, finally, giving myself permission to live the life i fought so hard for.

these things are beautiful, and something else is happening.

i've been getting a lot of messages about courage recently.

i wasn't sure what they were leading to, or what they meant for me to figure out in this moment.

then, a woman with eyes the color of the ocean said, "it is vulnerable to want things, and to admit that we care."

it takes courage to face the vulnerability of our desires. it take even more courage, to go after what we want, to try. i don't really care about ideas of succeeding or failing. i care about trying.

yesterday was my half-birthday. i have been 30 for six months and an immense metamorphosis is underway. i'm deciding to face the spot on the horizon that my heart is drawn to, so my life can flow in that direction.


i desire a healing life, one where each day is lived like a blessing. one where i live in pauses and anchors, and every single thing i do is an act of restoring my self.

i ache to root in Home, one that is a physical sanctuary as much as an emotional and spiritual one, one that has longevity in community.

i desire blissful love that is sexy as hell, and embodies freedom...

i am burning to write many many books, that many many people read and are healed and transformed by. there is poetry here, there is art, there are stories and essays. and so much faith.



and with the same courage it has taken me to recognize and name these desires, i am letting go of them. this is not to say that i don't still wish, but my daily bliss will not wait, it will not depend on these things happening. there is much to the fullness of the current moment.

And i deeply trust that those other things are in the works. Desire in this instance, and perhaps always, for me, is actually the intuitive process of opening up to what is already unfolding.