Struck by the uselessness of words

Words are so empty sometimes. They lack strength. They are so much blah blah blah. Sounds with no meaning and no ability to create connection. They cannot hold up the feelings I feel, of awe, of being so struck that I am stilled.

I would/could actually be more still if I was searching less for words to describe the innermost. They fail me, and in searching, I fail to feel the fullness of feeling. Words are a hole in the vessel that contains holy water, pouring out what should be contained in sacredness.

I want so much for everyone to see and touch the sacred, but I cannot do it for them, for you.  I am losing sight, or perhaps afraid to be alone with it, to not know how to hold the precious. My sacred is for me. Your sacred will find you. In sharing, I will lose the path, and the lesson. It is not even sharing, it is a naive and empty generosity, perhaps an ego-filled one - to share what is not mine, to try to give away what I am still learning to receive.

A creature I am enamored with

The little creature is a magical being.

It makes strange sounds of delight and protest. It has a piercing and serious gaze. No baby talk for this one. It is only interested in Real Toys, the ones that have function in the World of Adult Humans. It likes cellphones - smart phones, to be precise. Anything with LED lights. ACs, electronics.

 It is a curious cat and loves a good mystery, or even an okay one. It likes to open and shut things - doors, windows, lids. It likes outlets. Peekaboo is a hit game! Also, take your sunglasses off your face and put them back on, repeat - another popular one. Sometimes the creature is like a puppy. It is constantly on the hunt for its bone (a white iphone), and when the phone rings, it scampers all over the house looking to see who is calling. Sometimes it puts a plate or a spoon or a comb to its ear, listening for sounds.

It is a free spirit and desires independent movement at all times. Walking is preferred over crawling. Crawling is preferred over stillness. Anything is preferred to being constrained in a seatbelt, stroller, or arms. It moves quickly and crashes often. The outside world is preferred to everything else.

It loves to play play play and hates to eat. None of us can really understand what fuels this little creature. A lot of tiny ones of its size like the boob.  Not this one. Comfort object of choice is a smartphone. As the creature is getting trained for Human Life, it has been subjected to a lot of firm "No"s, accompanied by a stern raised finger. Now, it is starting to speak and all it says is "NoNoNoNoNoNoNo" with its bald head vigorously shaking from left to right and back. One tiny finger raised.

It is a bit scrawny but has a big round bald head, and big cheeks. Deep lungs. Its bare head is like a glow-in-the-dark alien at night, reflecting white light. It sleeps with its bum in the air, in what some humans call Child's Pose. It wakes up several times in the night, seeks a cushier spot, and plops its big head onto my pillow, or belly or butt, or rests its feet on my tummy. No roughing it for this one.

I like the little creature. I miss it. I dreamed of it the other day, there were 3 clones. It would make an adorable accessory in my NYC life. It smiles when it sees me. And starts to shake its head NoNoNoNoNoNoNo with a big smile. 2 bottom teeth like Bugs Bunny, 2 top teeth in the location of fangs, like Dracula. Little Dracula Bunny is adorable, and senses when people are about to leave. It allows stillness momentarily for them to cuddle it, for their sake of course. Creature doesn't seem to need much, and appears to be profoundly secure in being loved and attended to. That is greatly inspiring, and healing.

Loving from a place of Radical Abundance

i know so little

i like that

it is exhausting to know too much

i've been feeling lost in my quest to understand romantic love. i've been asked to envision it, or to embody the feeling i want. i don't quite know what that is.

i just watched this love song video, this song is a long time fave.

as i watched and listened, i smiled so hard i threw my head back and laughed. my arms found their way to the sky, and fingers came to rest behind my head, intertwined.

i remembered what little i do know of love

it makes me bloom

anybody can tell from that smile, the one that makes your jaw ache but you can't stop

there is an aura. i can't describe it.

in love is a lot of yearning, and discovering a sweet pleasure in that want

in my kind of loving there is all kinds of touch. burning, surrendering, aching, meeting, reaching...connecting, through touching

and there is lots of daydreaming, unstoppable reminiscing from the kinds of touching last night

love makes me wild and free

loving like that requires my active permission.

it requires me waking up, fully.

it's better with surrender, with giving up control

there are struggles. in the search for truth, this is inevitable, and welcome

loving deepens safety through trust

there is lots of not-talking

i am certain that loving feels like the magnificent ocean, and also a long curvaceous river

and also a roller-coaster, the good kind! lots of spots where my stomach butterflies dip in anticipation, and then sweep up in a massive migration of ascension

words that are spoken are authentic

there is lots of running fingers through each other's hair

and massages

and deep communication through deep looking

there is sunshine and lots of other people who are part of this romantic landscape who are friends and family and babies and aunties and coworkers and roommates and neighbors and former schoolteachers and people i met yesterday or a long time ago

there are yummilicious food fests.

sometimes, there is making of food together

other times, i cook, somebody else cleans.

there is lots of movie-watching while cuddling on the couch or in bed. roommates, fam, friends are welcome to join (most of the time :) ) pets are a maybe (or welcome sometimes, fewer times).

there are private poetry readings, often. perhaps daily

lots of learning

lots of growing

lots of opportunities to become a better human being

lots of ego-shattering

lots of humility

lots of laughter

oodles and oodles of sex

i'm pretty certain that love is visible

my kind of romantic love is both sexy and tender

and involves lots of dancing

and super fun dates

things are spontaneous

and fights are respectful

trust is never broken

but mistakes happen

they are not mistakes, they are learnings

my loving is about giving abundantly

not stemming from insecurities

not transactional

there is mutual inspiration

and admiration

and sexytime

part of giving is forgiving

letting go of pride and always and never and comparisons and past hurts

there is   s p a c i o u s n e s s

the freedom to be your selves

to pursue your own dreams

and have separate friends, and passions, and sometimes rooms

but hopefully, sleeping time is together time

and waking up is slow and kissy

or fast and sexy

or unsatisfying because there is not enough time, but this makes for a day of desire-filled distraction

and hopefully there is a balance between giving of ourselves and our loving labor to our families and friends and communities and work and social change movements, and to ourselves, and to the relationship

and even if there is not that balance, because it is a daily dance, there is at least the shared desire for balance, and trying

there is always trying

there are candles, often

there is wooing

and dressing up

and seducing

and melting

and delight from one look

there is patience and urgency and a sense of security and not taking it for granted

babies are a maybe

there is follow through, from changing the lightbulbs to self-improvement goals


there is no looking back.

there is no holding back

there is magic

and fire

the love i envision is transcendental, it a portal to spiritual growth.
and yet, it does not demand perfection.

it involves a very human and spiritual process of choosing to love by accepting and healing and working on ourselves first. from this centered place, we choose to create intimate relationships based on a sense of fulfilled self, and a desire for connection and partnership, not completion.

we accept and do not try to change others.

of course, we fuck up. our actions hurt others. we get hurt. in my radical vision of love, in this difficult moment, our hearts seize the opportunity to expand further. trying to keep the heart open is a brave reaching for connection with another human being, but even more so, we are fighting for our own healing. this is truly revolutionary. it would be so much easier to be alone, and to be right, and to settle for feeling wronged.


but we choose to love from a place of radical abundance, because we give ourselves enough too. we love ourselves enough not to give up. so we give ourselves a lot of grace while repeating our own patterns. the truest meditation is not about maintaining undiverted attention. without failure there would be no trying for improvement. our practice is about the determined returning, over and over and over. in that practice, we develop a way to live. in that way of living, we offer a gift to ourselves and to all the people in our world. this is worth it, because we are worth becoming that kind of person.

thank you Don Miguel Ruiz, for writing "the Mastery of Love" and Jeannie, for giving it to me

the Vulnerability of Desire

how did i get here, and why am i so blessed? the answer to both questions is the same, but it provides no reason, simply gratitude. and the joy of looking back at the long story, the whole night sky, and to see the random stars lit up in a constellation i can now give a name to. it was all miraculous even in the absence of a name.

i am repeatedly grateful for the incredible domestic bliss i live in, with Jeannie. it has changed me, inspired me, delighted me, blossomed me, and opened me up to the genuine possibility of various other forms of domestic bliss.

i am still in awe of the work that i do and get paid for, that brings my fire to liberatory work and heals me as an activist and human being. the people i work with daily are a homecoming for my soul - Elspeth, Zara, Jessie, Mike, Sarah SS and Sarah A. And all my emeRGing POC leaders.

Satsang. Guruji. Sangat. these blessings i have no words for, because how do you honor the life that has had all illusion burned off, with essence emerging from the flame? by living it fully, is the best i can come up with.  i am, finally, giving myself permission to live the life i fought so hard for.

these things are beautiful, and something else is happening.

i've been getting a lot of messages about courage recently.

i wasn't sure what they were leading to, or what they meant for me to figure out in this moment.

then, a woman with eyes the color of the ocean said, "it is vulnerable to want things, and to admit that we care."

it takes courage to face the vulnerability of our desires. it take even more courage, to go after what we want, to try. i don't really care about ideas of succeeding or failing. i care about trying.

yesterday was my half-birthday. i have been 30 for six months and an immense metamorphosis is underway. i'm deciding to face the spot on the horizon that my heart is drawn to, so my life can flow in that direction.


i desire a healing life, one where each day is lived like a blessing. one where i live in pauses and anchors, and every single thing i do is an act of restoring my self.

i ache to root in Home, one that is a physical sanctuary as much as an emotional and spiritual one, one that has longevity in community.

i desire blissful love that is sexy as hell, and embodies freedom...

i am burning to write many many books, that many many people read and are healed and transformed by. there is poetry here, there is art, there are stories and essays. and so much faith.



and with the same courage it has taken me to recognize and name these desires, i am letting go of them. this is not to say that i don't still wish, but my daily bliss will not wait, it will not depend on these things happening. there is much to the fullness of the current moment.

And i deeply trust that those other things are in the works. Desire in this instance, and perhaps always, for me, is actually the intuitive process of opening up to what is already unfolding.

Now is the Time for Action

I've been stalling on writing for a long time. Whatever the reasons are, there's no time anymore.

As you know, on August 6, six people seeking peace in prayer were violently killed at their house of worship. Two mosques have been set on fire.

 The immediate reactions range from -

 "We are all Sikh", to...
"We are Sikh not Muslim", to...
"We are Muslim, but not all Muslims are terrorists", to...
"Let me show you that my religion is peaceful", to...
"We are Americans", to...
"We are the same", to ...
 "Senseless violence", to ... .
.. similar.

Then there are the critiques of the reactions. What if they/we are not American? Do we still deserve peaceful lives? This violence is not senseless, it is systematic - focused and deliberate and socially sanctioned. We are not the same, we are actually different because we are brown, Muslim, Sikh, Black, Latino, Native, women, LGBQ, transgender... - we are people who have been targeted for a long time.

This is not new. To tell you the truth, a part of me wants to and does shut down every time I hear about a new incidence of violence like this. What is there to say? What new feelings are there to feel; what words are there to describe this heartbreak that is a raging fire in so many people's hearts? The danger of feeling our feelings means to risk being consumed by that fire, to actually become senseless.

The more tiring, heavy-hearted task is to pick up and go on. To do something, to say something, to keep trying to make a difference until you actually do. To believe that it's possible, to know that it's necessary. Why? Simply because we have a need to hope, and fundamentally, that's about waking up in a world where we believe things can be better, where we are alive enough to work at it and to care, each time something so painful and soul-destroying happens. There are lots of places with tips on how to support the Sikh community in Wisconsin right now. Please do something, anything, from all those options.

My recommendations -

1. Give as much money as you can - Options here
2. Write a message of solidarity to people in the community
3. Self-reflection. The people who died are your people, are our people. The people who killed people or set fire to a mosque are also our people. Self-reflect until you can see how that might be possible, and what that means for you, and for your role in your community.

 And pray pray pray. Grieve and send prayers and healing in community.

Ingredients of Love: Trust

Love is my most favorite feeling in the whole world, right up there with Hope, and with Inspiration. It's the heart of the Divine. To feel loved is the greatest gift, and to give truly unconditional love is the (hardest and) most beautiful thing.

And, loving don't come easy. What makes up love is trust, giving, vulnerability, openness, care, respect, freedom and attention (and many other things). My understanding of love is grounded in Thich Nhat Hanh's simple and profound description -

“There are four elements of true love. The first is maitri: loving-kindness or benevolence. Loving-kindness is not only the desire to make someone happy, to bring joy to a beloved person; it is the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love, because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer. The second element of true love is compassion, karuna. This is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, but the ability to do so. The third element of true love is joy, or mudita. If there is no joy in love, it is not true love.The fourth element of true love is upeksha, equanimity or freedom. In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love… not only outside but also inside.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

I am thinking not only of romantic love between two (or more) people, I am thinking of a bigger love that encompasses us all. I am reflecting deeply on my role in contributing to it, and how to open up more to receiving it. Many of us have experienced violence, trauma or oppression, which severely destroy our ability to trust and to be open. I believe that healing is not only possible, it is inevitable. The spirit wants to rise. It is air, a bubble that floats to the surface until it bursts to rejoin the bigger Air it is part of. It is made up of nothingness and of simply being.

So then, to actively support the process of healing, I have to intentionally choose openness and trust over and over and over. I often catch myself contracting, not sure whether to trust, and not sure how to ask for what I need and want, even when I know I am loved. I'm rebuilding trust of myself and my instincts and intuition too, as well as opening up to trusting other people more deeply. The safer default is to withhold trust until it is earned. That is certainly one way to live, and it makes sense why.

But my intuition is guiding me towards another way. This way of living with arms wide open, chest open, heart open, eyes closed looking at the sky and smiling, even though I don't know why. Smiling because I trust that life is good and I am in wonder of it all, of being here and all that has passed and all that is beautiful and new and ancient all at once. Smiling in surrender.

Intentions for a New Life

It is in surrender that the lotus blooms.

2012 is the Year of Surrender, the Year of Bliss, the Year of Life, the Year of 30!

i am free.


i am completely healed and whole.


i am letting go....
... of the past, of unhealthy habits people behaviors thoughts attachments, of pain, of worry about the future, of anxiety, of stress, of trauma, of repression, of anything that does not grow me in positive ways.

i am moving...
... moving on, moving forward, moving my body, moving my mind, moving at the pace of my beautiful heart.

i am open...
... to a New Life, to meeting lots of new people, to interesting and joyous experiences, to new ways of living and thinking and feeling and responding, to receiving the marvelous blessings that Guruji is always showering me with, to new tastes, new sounds, new pleasures, to healing, to being corrected (kindly and lovingly), to going with the flow, to magic, to love, to passion, to seeing in new ways, to growth (even the growing pains)...

i am seeking...
... domestic bliss, joy in my daily work, surrender in my daily life, success in doing meaningful work, structure, discipline, a balance of that with the newness of the unknown, adventures, relaxation, grounding, movement, an active and vibrant life in this city, more connection with loving family, great friends, great lovers, blissful sex, frequent laughter, to discover places & flavors & self, to be blown away so hard that my mind has stopped and my body is seeing hearing speaking in its strongest voice, and is seen heard and responded to. i am seeking wholeness, nothing less than blossoming my core beautiful powerful blessed fierce bold and true self.

i am committed to...
... working out! getting stronger, to frequent yoga at home and in community, to being loving true and courageous always, to dancing often at home and in community, to the health of my heart, to the well-being of my spirit, to wealth redistribution, to being transparent about my life and my values and my process, to undoing my own bullshit, to letting go, to finding others seekers and devotees and those who live by heart and spirit, to fulfilling my potential as an artist, as a writer and a poet and a performer and a dancer and photographer and a painter and a sketcher, to dedicating structured and frequent time to my art, to putting out my art, to being vulnerable, to making an income as an artist, to mentoring, to receiving mentorship, to being fiercely truthful and fiercely kind, to laughter, to exploring my sexuality, to relaxing, to going with the flow, to trusting myself, to choosing surrender instead of anxiety, to hope, to trusting that things will work out, to spending quality time with people i love and people i like, to blooming, to speaking if necessary even when terrified, to checking my consumerism and materialism, to responding to my needs in a prompt and loving way, to laughing a lot, to being myself, to not holding back, to living freely and with joyous abandon, to kissing when i feel like it, to good fashion, to taking the necessary steps to becoming a therapist, to cooking delish & nourishing meals in community and for myself, to finding a good balance between solitude and company, to believing that i deserve good things, to reading lots of books, to poetry, to forgiveness, to creating a beautiful soulful home that is a sanctuary to all who rest there even in passing, to going after the great things i want in my life and the great people, to being generous, to ease...
to truth, beauty and love
to God
to nourishing my own divinity
to life

i am committed to living this wild life wholly and joyously!

i am committed to seeking and choosing the light, and to all that makes flowers bloom.

i am committed to making quality time for myself, to stop making to-do lists which only stress me out, to appreciate myself for who i am and who i'm becoming and not just for what i do. i am committed to doing the best that i humanly can at a happy pace.

My intention this year, and forever, is to live with ecstasy, lightness & integrity.

All magic lies within the experience of living meaning fully.