"In addition to pain during menstruation, the pain of endometriosis can occur at other times of the month and doesn't have to be just on the date on menses. There can be pain with ovulation, pain associated with adhesions, pain caused by inflammation in the pelvic cavity, pain during bowel movements and urination, during general bodily movement i.e. exercise, pain from standing or walking, and pain with intercourse. But the most desperate pain is usually with menstruation and many women dread having their periods. Pain can also start a week before menses, during and even a week after menses, or it can be constant. There is no known cure for endometriosis." - Wikipedia
the word that stands out the most for me today is desperate. this kind of pain makes me desperate. each time it happens, i hear myself in my head saying "it hurts so bad i feel like dying." but then, i don't die. that's almost worse.
and then, other voices start filtering in. i remember Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron saying something about being present with the pain - to notice it in each moment, and see it, feel it, see how it changes. it is pretty dynamic, i notice. then i remember people telling me to breathe. and i notice that i stopped. there was an inhale i never let go of because i thought i might crumble. i exhale, and soften a little. then i hear people around me expressing love and care, and i feel bad for them, i know witnessing isn't easy, for them or me. my family happens to call me and i get off the phone in a hurry. i don't want to tell them how bad it is and they can hear it from how i can't talk. but later, when i can notice again, i feel cared for.
what is it that brings me back to hope on a night like this, when even the painkillers don't filter through to my body? mmm.... i guess it's remembering the long hike from 2 weeks ago, when i was preparing my body for the spiritual wilderness retreat. that retreat is this weekend and now i'm not going, coz of the pain and coz i couldn't face no running water with my body's current needs. but, as Christine reminded me, i'm exactly where i was divinely placed in this moment.
i'll be retreating in bed this weekend, letting go of the idea that God is on a mountain waiting for me to visit.
