A desire to live in bliss, the meaning of life, and a prayer

Prompt: "There are things we do because they feel right & they may make no sense & they may make no money and it may be the real reason we are here; to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good."

Yes.

If I had all the time in the world, in a day, I would cook a beautiful meal. It would be for you, for us. We, a shifting we that allows known and new loves in, would eat together and we would eat with our hands and lick our fingers and talk non-stop about how this food nourishes us. Foods we love, foods from home, foods that love our bodies back. Love really is the secret ingredient. Love in practice is attention + time + patience.

Satiated, I would then browse through my brilliantly organized photographs, and pick the ones I want to print. Then I would make cards out of some, and art prints out of others. They would all be accompanied by a word or a quote - a message that enhances the purpose of this art. They would then go off into the world, sent to friends in faraway places, and family in other countries. "Other" countries, places I grew up in and lived in and call home. 

Digested, I would go to a yoga class close by. I love being taught, I appreciate teachers. I value mentors. I've had a few in my life, and this is something I continue to seek. Without seeking being a mentor, this keeps coming to me. I like this part too, sharing learnings, asking questions, offering reflections and insight to illuminate paths, to encourage, to cheer, to hug and to love people along this difficult journey called life. Yoga is a difficult journey, it brings to life all aspects of living. Struggle, boredom, forgetting to breathe, checking out, auto-piloting, criticizing, trying, moving, resting, fidgeting, and so forth. 

It's dusk now. I would spend hours reading one single book. If it was fiction, I would finish at least half of it in one day. If it was deeper like a spiritual book, I would probably read one chapter, and then reflect on the messages for me right now, by journalling and thinking. So much of journalling is like meditating for me, I sit there and reflect on what is happening, what happened, how I feel about it, and what are the messages. I seek answers, I often forget to ask questions or for guidance. I'm trying to do that more these days and it's really helpful to externalize the problems / stressors. Well, they only become stressors when I sit alone with them, trying to solve it all or do it all.

At nighttime, I would watch movies with friends and slumber party. I actually did do that this weekend, which was a treasure of a night. Over a long weekend, I would do a movie marathon. Top choices - Harry Potter series, Dhoop Kinarey (not a movie, more like a mini-series), and possibly the Matrix. I have still never watched the middle movie of that trilogy, even though I've watched the first one a few times, and the last one twice, and even though I own the DVD set, for over 10 years now.

Over the days, I would catch up with my friends over cups of chai, and over dinners at restaurants. I like those days when we go out to the Highline or Central Park, or even shopping with a hardcore focus like tall black boots that are not suede and not scrunchy and not too pricey meaning below $100 but preferably below $80 and ideally below $60. And then, in all the walking, there is talking while we are side by side. And then there are the breaks for longer conversations and delicious treats. Decadent hot cocoa is at the top of my list for winter treats, but it hasn't happened this winter. Too afraid of the dairy, and convinced almond milk cocoa won't satisfy me. I guess I should try it first. You know, I believe I have all the ingredients at home. Hmm... Sunday evening is full of gentle possibility.

I would sleep a lot every night and I would take naps, every day. At night, I would take the time to do a somatic practice before going to bed: bringing awareness to my breathing and lying down on the floor being unconditionally supported by the earth. I usually sleep more peacefully after doing that. 

When I wake up, I like to lay in bed for a long time. On the weekend, I don't look at my phone, I don't look at a clock. When I finally emerge, I like to eat something, drink something warm, and read the Sun magazine. These days when I read the Sun, I always wonder why I have never attempted to submit to it, though it's been on my list for over a year. I also often think of who else would enjoy this magazine that I can gift a subscription to.

And then the day continues. Some days I do these dreamy things. Other days I got to work at a dreamy job, and do other things that get me excited and energized and feel like I'm fulfilling my life potential. That's what I want to do, all the time: Live life at a pace where I can feel and notice myself breathe, and from that place, do things for others, create beauty and joy, share my gifts in a way that allow us to safely face and become our most authentic selves. 

A short prayer for today:

Dear God,

I would like to trade my free will for your divine guidance.

In each moment of my body, may I receive the softness to surrender.

Why it's important to take a lunch break

because if you can't feel your body, you can't feel joy or know justice!

are you familiar with the scene i'm describing? it's Monday morning, those emails are waiting like a bag of potato chips you don't want to eat but can't stop speeding through. some, you don't even taste. many are crushed by your speed. some don't get picked up at all.

i mean, if you like that particular brand of potato chips, just go slow and enjoy each one, is what i'm recommending. to do that, you have to chew to digest, and you have to break up the flavor with other tastes and textures and temperatures - sweet, spicy, mushy, crunchy, crumbly, warm....

so at lunch BREAK time, you stop, move away from the computer screen, and Eat Real Food.

look out the window.

better still, go for a mini walk or wheelchair ride if you are able to....

get that fresh air so it's helping to digest what you have taken in. (do NOT check your phone for email in the middle)

choose your timings, manage your time, and when you come back to to your desk/screen, take a breath into that happy full belly, and remember (with closed eyes and a smile) what you're excited to do before you dive back in.

throughout the day your body will ask for things - bathroom break, snacks, a walk, more fresh air, a shift in activity or type of task, to talk to someone, maybe even to vent.... i have found that rather than treat my needs as irritating distractions to my vision of a full-steam Monday, these are the guidances that align my energy with what i'm doing and able to do well. they create a natural flow from task to task, and help maintain my mental health and physical well-being. naturally, these are a foundation for emotional balance. this flow helps to sustain my energy and focus.

this is my recipe for a nourishing day of work that is productive and well-paced. happy Monday! :)

the breakthrough after the breakdown

you've heard of this phenomenon right?

the day after i wrote my last post, i had a breakdown. it was great. i was doing a work task, and as i switched my attention to a new area of work, i felt angsty churning in my stomach and anxiety rising in my body, a whoosh of energy to the top of my head. i wanted it to keep going up so it would whoosh out of me, onwards and upwards. but we all have sturdy skulls and it got stuck! so the intense pressure, i acutely felt myself start to almost hyper ventilate with stress. i had to lie down immediately. except this was not a calm lie down, it was a sudden "face-plant" into my bed. i felt so unable to move through the intense energy takeover of my body, and no brain cells to think about how to use any practices or tools to get through it, to breathe and feel myself. then i started to shake and burst out crying, and planted my face in my hands as the shaking sobbing took over.

i was unstuck!!!

i felt sort of terrible but i also felt soft and human. i could feel my feelings, the burst dam affirmed that i had feelings i had been suppressing for a while (not intentionally). my boo took care of me. in the midst of that kind of release, all my feelings were so clear to me. what had been happening and how i got to my state of overwhelm made a felt sense to me. 

the details of why i was feeling what i was feeling are not so important to share here. what is noticeable to me is the process of how i got unstuck. some observations -

* for a few weeks, i'd been drinking more coffee than usual (meaning, daily!) and watching lots of Netflix (Scandal marathon). i started to realize - i'm checking out. i feel overwhelmed. maybe i have too much going on in life, lots to do.

* i started to notice, sometimes i felt happy and like my life was great. sometimes i felt drained. so, exhaustion was inconsistent, and it wasn't about overall life too-much.

* i didn't try to set any hard rules about stopping coffee or TV, or even cutting back.  i just started to notice more, and slowly, i would have a few sips of coffee and throw the rest because it tasted bad to me. my body started to say, enough. instead of clicking "next" after an episode ended, i would stop and look at the time, or lie down on the yoga mat to get in some somatic awareness time. i liked it. it usually just unlocked the yawns in my body. i started sleeping better. i started dreaming more lucidly, and hence being able to remember my dreams more. nothing significant emerged, but lucidity and memory mattered to me because i know these things have to be in place for me to receive spiritual guidance through deep rest/sleep/the best meditation.

* the previous day, i co-hosted a "creative session" at home with a friend. i knew i wanted to write, and that there were lots of barriers. so i stepped towards writing by creating an environment that helps me write - a fixed time - and inviting buddies into it to practice the intention.

* first i read, relaxed, then i started writing (the previous blog post). it was hard to get through, but i stayed with it. i had faith/a gut feeling that completion was important, even more important that quality of insight or writing.

* after writing or during writing, i laid my head down and confessed to T - i'm struggling. and she instantly stopped what she was doing and said "what's wrong?" then i laid down on a yoga mat and shared my feelings of hardness and stuckness. she asked me good questions like - "is this the kind of thing you need to get away from to recharge yourself, or are you checking out?" i reflected.

* throughout these hours, J and i were texting and it was like she was having divine guidance on what to tell me when. i had angels.

* the next day, when i felt the energy flow rise and overwhelm me (leading to face-plant), i felt acutely aware of what was happening in my body and i immediately responded by getting up and lying down. i didn't try to push through it or shut it down and keep working.

* when i started crying, i recognized it as the release, with relief and gratitude. i didn't make myself stop or contain it, stopping-crying is not equal to feeling-better. i let the misery unfold fully. then i could see it.

* i wrote an email in the middle of that to people i needed to share my true state with, people who needed to know to help support me in making a difference. i wrote a messy and vulnerable email. i sent it while i was still crying. i didn't wait until i stopped and could re-reflect and re-word it in a contained and logical manner.

* i took the rest of the day off work and a) had a date b) went retail therapy c) continued to appreciate my great decisions in taking care of myself / in putting an end to the containment.

* the next day i asked for signs of the next steps. the answer i got was - practice gratitude.

* that next day i also got my period. the release continued.

i'm reflecting on the fact that i've grown in ways that have made me powerfully whole. and at times when i'm struggling, i have enough faith to stay in the struggle. it's not easy, it's extremely uncomfortable. and for a while i thought i was losing the battle and would fail to move through stuckness, forever! yes i have fears like that. i can imagine not much worse spiritually than stagnation, and hence disconnection to self or purpose or path or meaning.

it hasn't all crystallized in a grand "aha!" for me yet either, but i'm just glad everything led up to crying release and insight/awareness of what was going on. my biggest learning is to keep relying on practices that i trust will move me where i need to go. when i don't know the way, it's important to actually use the maps and guides and highlighted routes, including rest stops.

To love yourself, let go

hi all,

it's been a while since i wrote. i've been feeling pretty disconnected from writing, and also from myself.

but then.

i started reading this blog, The Sixth Letter: Food, Fitness, Felines, and Fun in San Francisco. i love it. i'm obsessed with it, reading regularly. i even subscribed. when i did, i made a commitment to read the new posts as they came through. i've been doing that and i noticed how often Liz writes. it's been helping me get through my writing/blogging freeze. to write is just to write. what i'm trying to follow by Liz's modeling is to share things even when they are hard, and not just to share when/after i figure something out. i've just been feeling stuck about so many things.

do you ever notice that when you're feeling stuck, suddenly you start to get the things you need to get unstuck? you might not notice it at first (because stuckness has the quality of being packed too tightly, with no room to take in). but eventually, things keep coming until one hits you in the head, or opens your heart. Liz's blog was one of those things for me. And another one of those things was this much-watched video by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability.

i've seen this video over a year ago. at the time, i think i felt like this - "well, duh, i know this from my experience as a survivor, and my work in the anti-violence movement around shame." but it's interesting how quickly you can forget things you know, when you're not living them daily or immersed in some other way. so i forgot. Then 2 days ago, i came across it and it struck me like an electric charge to my consciousness.

Brene talks about people either feeling secure about or struggling with a sense of worthiness, of deserving love and having a sense of belonging. this is the heart of it. a sense of our own worth. i don't doubt my worthiness, i thought. but then i started to realize, i do struggle with feeling often like i haven't done enough. the work day is over, but i'm still sending emails. i wanted to work faster than i can. the weekend is over, and i didn't relax enough or go out enough. i didn't make the most of it. my writing session has begun, but it took too long to warm up and get into a rhythm, and then the time was over so it remained unfinished.

These things are connected - feeling worthy for simply being who you are, despite what you do (or don't do). it's so important to feel good about who we are. a really important part of this is loving our imperfections, and loving the ways in which we are messy. in terms of doing stuff and getting enough done, i'm trying to remember that the heart is in the intention and sincere effort. the actual results are a product of surrender and the Universe's help.

Let go. Let go every day, every hour if you need to. Let go of what you thought you were going to do, or should have done. Let go of what you were expecting, let go of what you want. For me, i try to let go by lying down and breathing. it's simple but profound for me. sometimes it makes me realize how tired or sleepy i am, and sometimes it helps me notice what's coming up, what i haven't been able to let go of. that's okay too. Let go of the idea of letting go perfectly. when you can let go of who you wanted to be, you can more freely love who you are now. We are all worth our own unconditional love.

The Cycle of Spiritual Evolution

Surrender is saying yes to everything that tears us open.

Courage is saying yes to everything that builds us up.

Love and water are the glue that hold together our malleable, moving, cracking pieces. 

Praying is the fire that cleanses.

Transformation

Transformation, is about more than accepting changes. It is an unfolding and a shedding of the now unnecessary layer. It is about a raw tenderness, that surrenders to our own selves.

Transformation takes awareness + turning that awareness inwards + acting on it.  

We act on change within ourselves, we act on creating change in the world immersing us. 

But, we also create (unintentional) change by the act of daily transformational living.  

We are the muscle that is tearing to be built back up with focus and greater strength.

needtobreathe

needtobreathe

why am i drinking coffee every day?

why do i keep smoking larry?

now i am truly curious.

the seed of self-love has been firmly planted

it has taken root in the earth of my soul

do i not think i can do better than this?

and how do i love myself through not trying?

we want to hate people

we rebuke, mentally all the time.

we judge

we dislike people

it's because we were raised to hate ourselves

it's nobody's fault

oppression breeds oppression



we are loving, kind human beings

but these thoughts happen

ugly words get said

or worse

it is the process of being human?

to be imperfect at love

to love ourselves badly too

it is no one's fault

we are all good

we all Need to Breathe

we all need to close our eyes and reflect on our selves and actions more, as Davidji says

we need to slow down to breathe
we need to breathe to slow down

air is the only thing on earth that no-body has figured out how to privatize

breath is abundant
breath is abundance

Change is Inevitable

D. When we blame ourselves we imagine we had more control than we actually did. 

Control is an illusion.

But power is not.

E. Change is inevitable. 

In fact, change is really just looking back at the arc and seeing the path and distance traversed. When "change" is happening, all you experience is one moment of living, one moment of life at a time.

Faith + Patience

A: Healing is inevitable.

(faith)

B: Healing takes time.

(patience)

C. In each moment, there was only the moment. The next moment is forever free.


That is why undiluted faith + persistent patience is so powerful, for healing.

Falling in love with the Sky

Today I couldn't stop smiling on my walk to work. My first walk to work in one month. Instead of being out sick or working from home or taking a bus or cab the few times I made it.

I couldn't stop smiling, and I thought, this is what it felt like when I was falling in love with her. I smiled a lot, hard.

But this smiling today is for self-love. Today I walked, and I don't just want to celebrate the thing I was able to do, I don't want to feed my own sense of ableism (Questions? ask me about this, for real). I smiled so hard because I got to fall in love with the sky and the ground and wind again today, and the fluid winds in my body.

I was filled with bliss. I was luscious in myself.

I thought of you all, who prayed and healed and meditated and loved me with your beings. I deeply thank and love you all, even if I don't know you. My heart feels your heart.

I don't have any wisdoms to offer today but the flowers of gratitude spilling out of me. I feel like I walked under a shedding cherry blossom tree, my head covered against the light sprinkles. Big dark red shades and a shaved head all factor in for quite a strange reflection that I caught sight of a few times. I've been dreaming a lot about having really long glorious hair (again). I suppose it is a longing, but it is the best reason for me to practice being here now. I chose this, and every time I miss something else, I remember that I still want this now, I still want to feel this free and am drawn to what it offers to teach me. It teaches me what I thought it would. The truth lies in your eyes. Long hair just gave me some armor to work with.

Tiara is the one who reflected to me that she knew I was truly high femme in essence, but she also saw the way I wore it like armor.

It feels brave and tender and freeing to take it all off. And I feel really loved and supported, which makes it possible. So people, if there was only ONE thing you could rely on for the rest of your life, rely on faith and its many manifestations. Human beings are some of the best ones.

Liberation is not a day that will come

It's like the beginning or end of a relationship. It takes time and is a process. you end up living in what you were building all along.

You have to liberate yourself in your *current* circumstances daily. And you can.

That work can happen in various ways, but at the very least, what is available to all us is the possibility of changing ourselves - seeing things differently, doing differently to get different results, selecting a worldview that does not damage or deamean us, or harm others, choosing to interrupt thought processes and emotional repetitions and actions that don't serve us in this moment.

We can choose over and over.
We can choose strength and health and positive thinking.
We can forget, resist ourselves, stay in the hardness, and make different choices, and choose hope again.

There's no reason for it that I can explain well. You just do it because that's how you believe life can be, or is. And to give yourself such a precious gift is almost unimaginable. Might we delude ourselves into thinking something good about someone who had done bad to us? We might. And we may be called fools, but we don't think it's foolish - it's just another way to live. To believe the best.

Try believing the best with everything, for a week. Just try it. What do you have to lose but a bad attitude? :)

Assume good intentions.
Forgive.
Let go.
Forget.
Assume they were trying or they tried.
Assume they would have done it better if they knew how
Assume they aren't rude to bump your arm on the subway. they had a real emergency.
Assume that you are lovable and beloved.
Assume well.
Assume you are capable of healing.
Believe healing is inevitable.
Believe in your power, love, and grace.
Believe in your ability to flex that heart like you've never seen done.
Believe in your self.
Believe in your radiance.

Believe your radiant heart - freedom is within.

A Poem Mantra for Y/our Healing

i am free
i am happy
i move with ease
i go with the flow

i am free
i am joyous
i flow
i am loved
i am love

i am free
i flow
i am love

i am love
i am truth
i flow

i wake
i move
i smile

i love
i write
i share

i live
i heal
i grow

i flow
i flow
i flow

i am free
i fly
i'm alive

i flow
i flow
i flow

i am fire
i am sun
i am star

i glow
i glow
i glow

i am light
i am love
i shine

i am truth
i am power
i am magic

i am goddess
i am courage
i am ease

i am loose
i am limber
i relax

i smile
i know
i let go

i grow
i heal
i flow

i live
i light
i glow

i glow
i glow
i glow

my heart radiates love and light and truth
all the time

Random Tips for Holistic Wellbeing

A very non-comprehensive assortment of things I've learned to be true are -

• Overwhelm is perceived to be a result of too much to do, but it is actually a result of too much thinking and planning. Be here now, do one thing at a time. Be present while doing.
• Screen time during night-time makes for bad sleep / imsomnia. So, don't do what I'm doing now - writing on my laptop in bed.
• Connections to other people are life-sustaining. Do more of this good stuff, connecting with who and what nourishes you.
• Water cleanses everything from sickness to physical pain to emotional sttuckness too. - coz you gotta keep getting up to pee and that literally interrupts thought process and mental patterns.
• Yawning is a reach for more oxygen, for sleep, when your breathing and body slows down to meditative levels. When you find yourself yawning, try to give in to it and then rest if possible. At work? I keep a yoga mat around and we have a cozy couch - take a 15 minute lie down.
• Yoga - the union of mind, body, and spirit - is really powerful. When the breathing and movement align, you can find yourself with new stillness and clarity. IT doesn't need to be asanas/postures, it can be whatever intuitively feels good when you close your eyes and start breathing intentionally into your rib cage and pelvis. Don't look at mirrors - unnecessary distraction. It doesn't need to be perfect, feel your way through it and you will move through more than the physical realm.
• Naps are good. I don't usually, but when I can't resist and have the space to, I give in and I find it to be a sweet form of surrender. Sometimes, I also find that a dream needs to comes through with a message. Follow your body's cues, even if the naptime doesn't "make sense".
• Have flowers and plants around. Not only is the oxygen refreshing, but seeing daily life change and grow, and watering them and watching them bloom or dry or die is all pretty magical. As your spiritual awareness grows, so does your awareness of and connection to nature (I read this in Laws of the Spirit World).
• For those of you like me who are loving across distance, have transnational families and communities, print and keep photos of joyous togetherness with loved ones close to you. It helps me with a daily sense of connection. Otherwise the distance and time differences can make it feel like different planets, but also leads to emotional disconnect for me. Some people are not like that, but for me, I think it becomes a coping mechanism to not continuously live with a sense of missing people.
• Say goodbye properly, find a balance - It's always a tricky or nuanced or choppy decision about how and when to ends things or wrap things up - like a blog post, or saying goodbye to a friend, or a phone conversation. Well, for some people it's not, but for me it is and I think that's a cultural and fobulous and desi thing. So, try to recognize your own style, and then see what the other person is putting out so you can find a balance that feels good for both. I like long hellos, I don't like long goodbyes, but I do like tight, sincere hugs on all ends.

There it is, some random things that want to be shared today..... I would love to hear from other people too - what are things you've figured out or read or heard that stuck with you, and perhaps you remembered them while reading this? Please share!

The Longevity/Shelf-Life of Compassion for Oneself

In the past several days I've been really open about going through a round of acute illness and pain.

I've been home or alone or in bed a lot, and it has been hard to watch sunny days go by from this side of the window. Being sick is isolating if you're actually able to prioritize healing. But blogging (and yoga) daily has been an anchor in my non-routine, and has also been a lifeline of connection to the outside world.

One heart-warming thing that has happened is that so many people have sent me love, healing wishes, prayers, phonecalls, texts, emails, invitations to stay with them and be taken care of. What a gift. Another powerful response has been people resonating with going through similar things and, appreciating the public mention of it. This is the aspect I am most drawn to exploring right now.

We all go through it. One way or another, to have a body means to go through some type of ache - colds, flus, allergies, the usual wear and tear of aging, on occasion the sharply painful fractured bone, or something else. And I'm not talking about life-altering illnesses like cancer or Alzheimer's. It seems okay to talk about those things when they happen, because they are usually short, not indefinite, and some come with good or interesting stories. We receive a lot of love and support and hopefully visits and people bring us soup or khichdi or hugs or books - anything we need and want for healing.

What happens when the illness doesn't end? A cold that develops into the flu, that develops into a secondary bacterial or viral infection (still undiagnosed, treatments not working), you're getting more tired daily and exhausted by the medical system, and 6 months later have a diagnosis of an auto-immune disease. Which means, the actual root of the issue is something completely different, the non-stop infections were only a symptom.

Do the flowers run out? Do the friends and family stop showing up? Do people stop asking how you are? No and no and no. My hardest battle has been internal, and it has taken me a loooong time to realize that. I feel like it's boring and repetitive to talk about the same things, and it's a downer for others. A lot of folks who identify as living with disabilities and/or chronic illness/pain might feel similarly. My own empathy for myself runs out. My belief in my capacity to heal, to feel well again, fades. And so, I depress myself in running over the facts again.

From witnessing this in myself, what I can offer today is this. To live each moment like it is the first or last, it takes a sense of wonder. So offer that wonder to yourself.  Today I woke up with acute pain again, and after a momentary gut reaction of despair, I said to myself instead - I've been through this before, I know I'll get through it. (You know what I could always be wrong but I want to live like I believe). I heard my inner voice say - Deep inside, I am okay now. My spirit is not hurt. It has endless compassion, even for me. Especially for me.

And it's a risk to keep writing about daily illness and pain for many reasons, and because of all the beauty and wonder I want to be writing about instead. But if I'm going to write through pain, for me to live more meaningfully, it has to be in a way that allows me to stay in my body. I am trying to practice offering the endless ear to myself, because in doing that, I meet myself anew daily. Nothing is static, no-one is standing still without change. Even when we are still, the earth rotates and so we move. I offer my journey not simply to share it and invite you in, but to offer another path in community. No parent would lose patience with their child for being sick too many times. We can't afford to reserve our compassion for those we love by excluding ourselves. We love people, we are parts of families of origin and choice, and parts of communities and the earth. If a tree dies, we all have less oxygen, less beauty, less shade, less wonder. I want to invite those in pain to keep saying "Ouch!" out loud (if you are able to), and I want to invite those able to hear (even if you are in pain too), to keep responding with "I hear you, I feel you. Can I offer a hug, or anything else?"

Thank you for doing that for me. I am so well taken care, and in such an abundance of healing wishes and blessings and human angels, that I can't help but wish that everyone had that. It is totally possible. Keep offering, keep receiving, immerse in gratitude. <3 p="">

You Are the Sun in Your Own Life

I just watched this wondrous 3 minute video - 3 years of imaging the sun.

The sun does not exist for the earth The earth revolves around the sun.

But we are caught up in the earth's daily 24 hour rotation. We don't always remember the 365 day revolution, but  we are noticing, nonetheless, those of us especially who have been complaining about the too-long winter in New York. The sun is the center of life force and energy. Without the sun, all/most life would cease to be.

We spend so much of our lives looking for the thing that makes our life meaningful or exciting, caught up in the daily and weekly and even yearly and five-yearly and lifelong plans of what we want to build. Of who we want to become. We want great openings, opportunities to come our way that will allow us to fulfill these visions. We wait, to enter our own magnificence.

But we don't need to.

You can be the Sun in your own life. You are. You are life, because you are living and breathing and you care. You are the center of your own life, you don't need to revolve around others. You can know that you are part of a galaxy and your gravity and motion affects other stars, but you are your own Sun. You have a power and radiance that is indescribable, that would make others gape in awe if you could only brave your own brightness.

Don't hold back.

I write every day to nurture my own light. It feels like a candle to me sometimes, and at other times I don't even feel a flame and it's more like a flashlight, running on batteries. But still, I do the thing that makes me burn. If I don't write, I burn within, quietly in anguish. When I do write, I share my light and the heat makes me expand.

On the daily since I started this 30 day blogging commitment, I have received at least one note of affirmation from someone every single day. The message is - keep doing this. I am being shown that there is a radiance that is spreading that connects to others' light. Your light is reaching for mine, and mine is reaching for you. Is this hard to believe? It can be. But have you ever looked in the mirror by chance on the most ordinary of days, and suddenly been gripped by the person looking back at you? It is not the person you will become. It is the person you are, waiting to be free, waiting to be seen in your actual gloriousness.

Believe in your radiance. We see it. You know it, because you feel your own fire. Believe.

After the Endless Night, I am Here Now

I made it! :)

I'm here, one (more) ER visit later and multiple injections and bloodwork and painkillers later. I did what I had to do, and I was supported by a stellar community crew to do it. So then what did Jeannie and do? We walked home from Beth Israel Hospital, grabbed a couple of slices of pizza from our spot on the corner. Hey, it was 3 in the morning and we got hungry again. I ate it, no guilt over the gluten or dairy that I am not supposed to have. And, surprisingly enough, no reaction except an overwhelm of yumminess and justifiedness.

I woke up without the alarm going off, and had an actual work day where I felt present and engaged with this other kind of difference we're trying to make in the world.

I was full of wonder all day. I just didn't know what was going to happen next, or now. I felt less pain, and the absence created a huge space inside me I didn't know what to do with. It felt full of possibility and full of Now. What I felt with each breath,is that I am Here Now. In this moment I am close enough to the pain to not take anything for granted, and far enough to feel relief and hope and so much gratitude. I felt immense gratitude for the human goddesses and gods in my life.

I have no faith in tomorrow. I don't what the next hour will feel like, and my energy and pain levels shift dynamically throughout the day. But that's life, that's living. Pain just makes us notice living more intensely.

I just feel grateful, I Am Here Now. Here is like nowhere I've ever been. It is full of nothing and everything. It is full of the mundane and the meaningful and the magnificent. Here is noticing the food I am eating and liking, or not liking, and it is leaving the training when I need to pee even though I felt like a delinquent trainee, and Here is lying down before the work day was over. (I think everyone should do nothing enough and lay still enough to get bored at least once a day. The company of Boredom is fascinating) Here is going through intense emotional hurt and anger and triggers, but only one moment at a time. I can only be here now. I can't be there. If I don't get through here, I won't get to anywhere. I will simply keep passing Heres, and not know or notice where I am. Then I will be lost.

Tomorrow is another day. It is full of mystery, even though I know my schedule and exactly which other humans I'm supposed to see when. It is still a mystery because a) all of that may or may not happen b) who knows how I or You who I'm supposed to meet will show up to anywhere.

Today I woke up to myself. Life's too short, she says. It is too short and too long but it is actually all the same. It is just as long as Now. So that's my guide, to be here now and to respond to my needs and desires and living right now. You may read all this and think - "individualism - think only of yourself, do what you want, your rights and wants are more important than the larger whole's needs". No, that is not what I mean. To be Here Now means we show up to ourselves, in our selves, so we can show up to meet the world and all that is alive in it. If we are not here, we cannot be anywhere in an authentic, responsive way. Connection is felt when we feel our own currents flowing in and out, mixing with the energy of the universe.

Despair, Pain, and the Need to Choose Life

Today I was in unspeakable pain for a few hours. How the time passed is a flash of images but the emotions of it are a blur to me. I do remember sitting at one point rocking back and forth and praying silently and thinking "I want out of this body". I did the only things I knew to do - pray, eat, take painkillers, and shower and clean hoping the rest of the allergens would be cleansed away, and I would be able to breathe less painfully. I tried to make deals with God - "if this pain is because of that thing i consumed, i promise i'll leave it forever if the pain goes away in an hour. i'll know this is you sending me a message". I tried all this because I was trying, desperately, to have less pain. I couldn't accept that the pain was out of my control and could last indefinitely.

Finally, it lessened a little. When I sat down in my pooja, I started crying so hard from relief that I was okay. I had gotten through the worst of it for now. It was still painful, but livable. But I couldn't stop crying, and then I felt all the terror I had been holding in while going through it - that it would never stop and I wouldn't die either, that I wanted to escape my body and had no control over that either. The crying and despair spiralled out of control. How will I live with this? I can't go through this one more time. Take me, God. Take care of me. How will I manage my life? How will I live? What do I do now?

I heard my phone blowing up. Lots of texts. I thought - God is reaching out to me. This is a lifeline. I finally responded to a work-related question and reached out to my dear coworker. We spoke, which means she stayed on the phone and held and soothed me as I cried. She encouraged me to call other people I loved and to not be alone. I did all that, embedding myself in a desire to live. I wasn't convinced that living is attractive, but I didn't want to give up either. My sole anchor was other human beings. I have difficulty with trust and relying on people, no matter how intimately close to my heart they are. But I knew that to not reach out for help wasn't fair to me, or to people who love me and would want to be in this with me - whether they could physically be there or not. And for me to not let them try, to not let their love and positivity and strength and solace and well-wishes enter me, was just not giving me or them a chance. To fear being let down, sometimes we do that - not give people a chance to get it wrong. But I am willing for people to try. The heart is in being reached for.

What I know is that the pain won't go away. It may lessen. I may feel okay one day. I may get sick again and again, as is likely with chronic illness, pain and auto-immune diseases. I may feel despair again. But I'm committed to living because of how loved I feel, and because I don't want to give up on my spirit. I am still deeply struggling with how long I can continue like this. This feels like a crisis, a crisis of body and spirit and faith and a life turning point. Nothing is figured out, I feel mindless from pain often. What does not help is a thought spiral about what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to live (short-term or long-term). All I can do is breathe. And actually, even that is not in my control. Life is as precious as this one breath, you just don't know if the next one is coming or not. For those who don't teeter on that cliff often or ever, it may feel hard to feel this. But it's true.

Life is no longer about doing things. It is as simple and vital as taking deep breaths. It is as pure as loving, and to feel that we are loved. To feel it, there must be arms that wrap around us, and hands that hold ours, and stroke our weary heads. There must be voices that carry love vibrations across phones and oceans. And people who are willing to bring us food and hugs and medicine if desired, or watch the kids and pets and plants when we can't. Each of us struggles with something or the other, someday or everyday. In us, there must be the desire to choose hope over despair. It is not about getting rid of the struggle, but knowing it is more bearable if we are not alone - for just one more breath, one more day. We don't really have to get through the rest of our lives in this one moment. We just have to breathe one breath now. Thank God that's an auto-pilot system. If you can hold on to nothing else, notice that.  

My Presence Belongs in My Self

Tonight my insight is that being present to take care of yourself is more important than keeping a commitment for the sake of it.

I want to be someone who keeps my commitments.  Sometimes, who we want to be can get in the way of showing up for what we need right now. Who we think we are can get in the way of who we are becoming. Our ideas of "who" can get in the way of being now.

I blog daily to stay connected to the world, to share myself fully, and to invite others into an open space of learning and reflection. Remembering why I do things has become a solid anchor to doing them, or letting go of them.

A Collection of Powerful Quotes

Today we have quotes by other people. Hey, I promised to blog daily, and may have found the one possible loophole to publicly sharing my writing - sharing other people's! What can I say, having a rough moment and needed to read and remember more than I was able to write today. Here we go....


You become what you believe in.  - Humaira Awais Shahid

Things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. – Pema Chödron

If you feel lost, ask a question for guidance - POC meditations book

I prefer dangerous freedom to peaceful servitude. - Enric Duran. 

You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.  - Friedrich Neitzsche

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken. There is a shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable...there is a hollow space too vast for words through which we pass with each loss, out of whose darkness we are sanctioned into being. - Rashani

May the bridges I burn light the way - Dylan McKay

When you reframe something, you must first deconstruct what was once there. That can be excruciating, when that something is you. - Valaida Fullwood 

You are here so that someday you can look yourself in the eyes and bow to your own grace and strength. - Syd Yang's blog quoted this, source unknown

Onwards then, bowing to our own grace and strength, and the fires that keep us alive. Please feel free to share your quotes too, the ones you wrote, the ones you read, the ones that keep you whole when all is turbulent in life and in the mind and body.