I made it! :)
I'm here, one (more) ER visit later and multiple injections and bloodwork and painkillers later. I did what I had to do, and I was supported by a stellar community crew to do it. So then what did Jeannie and do? We walked home from Beth Israel Hospital, grabbed a couple of slices of pizza from our spot on the corner. Hey, it was 3 in the morning and we got hungry again. I ate it, no guilt over the gluten or dairy that I am not supposed to have. And, surprisingly enough, no reaction except an overwhelm of yumminess and justifiedness.
I woke up without the alarm going off, and had an actual work day where I felt present and engaged with this other kind of difference we're trying to make in the world.
I was full of wonder all day. I just didn't know what was going to happen next, or now. I felt less pain, and the absence created a huge space inside me I didn't know what to do with. It felt full of possibility and full of Now. What I felt with each breath,is that I am Here Now. In this moment I am close enough to the pain to not take anything for granted, and far enough to feel relief and hope and so much gratitude. I felt immense gratitude for the human goddesses and gods in my life.
I have no faith in tomorrow. I don't what the next hour will feel like, and my energy and pain levels shift dynamically throughout the day. But that's life, that's living. Pain just makes us notice living more intensely.
I just feel grateful, I Am Here Now. Here is like nowhere I've ever been. It is full of nothing and everything. It is full of the mundane and the meaningful and the magnificent. Here is noticing the food I am eating and liking, or not liking, and it is leaving the training when I need to pee even though I felt like a delinquent trainee, and Here is lying down before the work day was over. (I think everyone should do nothing enough and lay still enough to get bored at least once a day. The company of Boredom is fascinating) Here is going through intense emotional hurt and anger and triggers, but only one moment at a time. I can only be here now. I can't be there. If I don't get through here, I won't get to anywhere. I will simply keep passing Heres, and not know or notice where I am. Then I will be lost.
Tomorrow is another day. It is full of mystery, even though I know my schedule and exactly which other humans I'm supposed to see when. It is still a mystery because a) all of that may or may not happen b) who knows how I or You who I'm supposed to meet will show up to anywhere.
Today I woke up to myself. Life's too short, she says. It is too short and too long but it is actually all the same. It is just as long as Now. So that's my guide, to be here now and to respond to my needs and desires and living right now. You may read all this and think - "individualism - think only of yourself, do what you want, your rights and wants are more important than the larger whole's needs". No, that is not what I mean. To be Here Now means we show up to ourselves, in our selves, so we can show up to meet the world and all that is alive in it. If we are not here, we cannot be anywhere in an authentic, responsive way. Connection is felt when we feel our own currents flowing in and out, mixing with the energy of the universe.
I'm here, one (more) ER visit later and multiple injections and bloodwork and painkillers later. I did what I had to do, and I was supported by a stellar community crew to do it. So then what did Jeannie and do? We walked home from Beth Israel Hospital, grabbed a couple of slices of pizza from our spot on the corner. Hey, it was 3 in the morning and we got hungry again. I ate it, no guilt over the gluten or dairy that I am not supposed to have. And, surprisingly enough, no reaction except an overwhelm of yumminess and justifiedness.
I woke up without the alarm going off, and had an actual work day where I felt present and engaged with this other kind of difference we're trying to make in the world.
I was full of wonder all day. I just didn't know what was going to happen next, or now. I felt less pain, and the absence created a huge space inside me I didn't know what to do with. It felt full of possibility and full of Now. What I felt with each breath,is that I am Here Now. In this moment I am close enough to the pain to not take anything for granted, and far enough to feel relief and hope and so much gratitude. I felt immense gratitude for the human goddesses and gods in my life.
I have no faith in tomorrow. I don't what the next hour will feel like, and my energy and pain levels shift dynamically throughout the day. But that's life, that's living. Pain just makes us notice living more intensely.
I just feel grateful, I Am Here Now. Here is like nowhere I've ever been. It is full of nothing and everything. It is full of the mundane and the meaningful and the magnificent. Here is noticing the food I am eating and liking, or not liking, and it is leaving the training when I need to pee even though I felt like a delinquent trainee, and Here is lying down before the work day was over. (I think everyone should do nothing enough and lay still enough to get bored at least once a day. The company of Boredom is fascinating) Here is going through intense emotional hurt and anger and triggers, but only one moment at a time. I can only be here now. I can't be there. If I don't get through here, I won't get to anywhere. I will simply keep passing Heres, and not know or notice where I am. Then I will be lost.
Tomorrow is another day. It is full of mystery, even though I know my schedule and exactly which other humans I'm supposed to see when. It is still a mystery because a) all of that may or may not happen b) who knows how I or You who I'm supposed to meet will show up to anywhere.
Today I woke up to myself. Life's too short, she says. It is too short and too long but it is actually all the same. It is just as long as Now. So that's my guide, to be here now and to respond to my needs and desires and living right now. You may read all this and think - "individualism - think only of yourself, do what you want, your rights and wants are more important than the larger whole's needs". No, that is not what I mean. To be Here Now means we show up to ourselves, in our selves, so we can show up to meet the world and all that is alive in it. If we are not here, we cannot be anywhere in an authentic, responsive way. Connection is felt when we feel our own currents flowing in and out, mixing with the energy of the universe.
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