...even though you don't see the end, and keeping going even though you don't think you can.
Honest Reflection - what I need to do differently
I've noticed I'm slipping more and more into the late nights - "ohh writing after midnight is still okay, its technically the next day but before my whole day/night ended, i blogged". So tonight I don't want to at all! I want to sleep, I'm tired, it's so late. And when that happens, I start to think - what can I write about in 6 minutes? I notice myself start to say that it doesn't matter, who's reading, etc etc. I'm minimizing my own potential because I didn't create time for my priorities. I'm not creating the space for me to enjoy writing and learn from what the writing process reveals. There is no spaciousness for surrendering to it. Here it is, an honest reflection of how I get in my own way.
Fierce Compassion - and why things are exactly how/where they need to be
On the flip side, there is a part of me I have trained to be fiercely compassionate, including to myself. Today was yet another day of waking up tired from a sleepless night, I went to work for the second time in 8 days, and we had a huge, amazing, beautiful public event - RG 15 year anniversary party woohoo!! I made it to work, I made it to the event, I made it home with my boo and throughout the day had sweet times with lovely people. I even danced for a bit. Today I lived! I rested where I could but I really didn't have 45mins-1 hour of downtime, which is what writing a blog post takes me. So when I look back on this day and realize I couldn't or wouldn't have done it differently, I also learn something about making commitments. I will add a "discount night" to it, as I do to brushing my teeth at night - 6 out of 7 is pretty good enough for me. This is the chronic pain exception.
Should I stick with honest reflection? Otherwise I won't improve myself.
Should I stick with fierce compassion? Otherwise I'll harm myself with pressure and judgement.
Now, given these two sides, and my deep commitment to non-duality, I learn that this is the path right here. Neither side is wrong, or needs to be. They are both so truly lived and felt. Emil asked me to write about trusting your path, even though you don't see the end, and keep going even though you don't think you can. I don't see the end of chronic pain, but I believe in my capacity to heal, and I believe that I need to treat myself in a healing way everyday. I don't know what comes of writing daily even though I know it serves me enough that I made a commitment to it. So I guess, do what you know serves you in this moment (serves not gratifies). And that is trusting your path, trusting that this one step will lead not to the grand vision being revealed, but to the unearthing of the next step, the next sign. If we knew everything about where we were going, we'd probably get bored and judge it and make a different choice anyways :) That is human nature, to want to know and to want choice. But ultimately, to be more delighted by surprise and unfolding, by challenges and seeing through them or overcoming or not, by being re-routed and having to figure out a new adventure.
So, to keep trusting your path and keep going, my anchor would be - try your best and surrender. Trying your "best" is a tricky one because for me, a lot of internal expectations about what I or my body "should be able" to do. This is known as internalized ableism :) So, trying your best has to be within your boundaries, within your human capacity, with gentleness towards yourself. And trying to be gentle with yourself is sometimes the hardest thing of all. <3 span="">
Honest Reflection - what I need to do differently
I've noticed I'm slipping more and more into the late nights - "ohh writing after midnight is still okay, its technically the next day but before my whole day/night ended, i blogged". So tonight I don't want to at all! I want to sleep, I'm tired, it's so late. And when that happens, I start to think - what can I write about in 6 minutes? I notice myself start to say that it doesn't matter, who's reading, etc etc. I'm minimizing my own potential because I didn't create time for my priorities. I'm not creating the space for me to enjoy writing and learn from what the writing process reveals. There is no spaciousness for surrendering to it. Here it is, an honest reflection of how I get in my own way.
Fierce Compassion - and why things are exactly how/where they need to be
On the flip side, there is a part of me I have trained to be fiercely compassionate, including to myself. Today was yet another day of waking up tired from a sleepless night, I went to work for the second time in 8 days, and we had a huge, amazing, beautiful public event - RG 15 year anniversary party woohoo!! I made it to work, I made it to the event, I made it home with my boo and throughout the day had sweet times with lovely people. I even danced for a bit. Today I lived! I rested where I could but I really didn't have 45mins-1 hour of downtime, which is what writing a blog post takes me. So when I look back on this day and realize I couldn't or wouldn't have done it differently, I also learn something about making commitments. I will add a "discount night" to it, as I do to brushing my teeth at night - 6 out of 7 is pretty good enough for me. This is the chronic pain exception.
Should I stick with honest reflection? Otherwise I won't improve myself.
Should I stick with fierce compassion? Otherwise I'll harm myself with pressure and judgement.
Now, given these two sides, and my deep commitment to non-duality, I learn that this is the path right here. Neither side is wrong, or needs to be. They are both so truly lived and felt. Emil asked me to write about trusting your path, even though you don't see the end, and keep going even though you don't think you can. I don't see the end of chronic pain, but I believe in my capacity to heal, and I believe that I need to treat myself in a healing way everyday. I don't know what comes of writing daily even though I know it serves me enough that I made a commitment to it. So I guess, do what you know serves you in this moment (serves not gratifies). And that is trusting your path, trusting that this one step will lead not to the grand vision being revealed, but to the unearthing of the next step, the next sign. If we knew everything about where we were going, we'd probably get bored and judge it and make a different choice anyways :) That is human nature, to want to know and to want choice. But ultimately, to be more delighted by surprise and unfolding, by challenges and seeing through them or overcoming or not, by being re-routed and having to figure out a new adventure.
So, to keep trusting your path and keep going, my anchor would be - try your best and surrender. Trying your "best" is a tricky one because for me, a lot of internal expectations about what I or my body "should be able" to do. This is known as internalized ableism :) So, trying your best has to be within your boundaries, within your human capacity, with gentleness towards yourself. And trying to be gentle with yourself is sometimes the hardest thing of all. <3 span="">
So much to learn from your commitment and passion. Keep up the good work, "One day at a time".
ReplyDeleteThank you Atin. Your faith is inspiring to me too!
ReplyDelete