To Live is to Suffer, to have Faith is to have Patience

The experience of living is full of suffering.

Today I was sitting in satsang, in the divine company of truth and God and a sangha, and I felt all my fears come up. As I was battling each fear - about my visa, green card, health, family, purpose, path etc - I kept coming back (intentionally) to the shabads. The music resonated me back to my present body, the lyrics full of meaning and wisdom for my current struggle. I kept realizing answers.

Freedom means to be free of fear.

Then I kept floating off and returning, noticing my mind escape to solve my problems, but realizing I couldn't because I had to live into what happens next, not think into it. I looked at the outside sky and remembered the article talking about our move from worshipping the earth goddess to the sky god, and the parallel shift from our lower body to our heads (Sun Magazine, ___ issue). I heard then - shraddha and saburi.

Faith and patience. Faith needs patience.

At some point, I kept touching the 4-5 points of wound within me. I kept seeing, touching, and even trying to love and accept. It was a good effort, I loved myself for trying.  It is all so hard, I thought.
When my anxiety was spiraling out of my control, I remembered my daily commitment of writing. And the challenge it contains to put out my best right now, it won't be perfect and it won't be as fully formed as I imagine it could, or want it to be. So, I thought, in my current state of stress and isolation in the midst of a community meditation, I wish I could share my deepest fears with a friend. What can I do now? Overwhelmed, I started crying.

In that moment, I witnessed myself. I was full of compassion for my own suffering.

I came back to myself whole. My pain was both seen and held by me, and spilled over into the outside world. It was no longer hidden, desperate to be free or in need of a friend. Yes, it is hard. I could see that and acknowledge its simple truth. And I could sit there with 20 other people meditating and praying and sitting and probably struggling and grateful too. Crying is always healing and cleansing, but public crying is extra special. It is brave without trying, it is surrender without knowing it.

I am here now. It is okay. It is just right.

Going to satsang was a whole mini-journey of cycling through all the fear, anxiety, self-doubt, impatience, sadness, and then the tipping point of overwhelm, release, patience, calmness, trust, faith, surrender. I did question how I would transition back to the day with other people I love doing regular Sunday fun things. It happened by figuring out I needed some alone time to absorb and ground in what just happened. To transition from one public community setting to another social , I could always come home to myself.

A reminder, to come home to myself more often.

I am at home in my apartment now, writing, my head still covered in the red dupatta with tiny silver dots. It is a tangible practice of grounding the energy of my head, remembering to lower it in surrender, to not think as hard. To notice beauty and be distracted by this sheer cloth the color of blood and desi weddings. Beauty creates pause, and all suffering does not have to be so hard. We can create our own pauses, or take the opportunities that arise to rest.

Pause is necessary, because that is the only way we can continue to take one step at a time. Just this one, today in the now.

I am here now.
I am here now.
I am here now.


Surrender Resources

Light of Divinity - Guruji (ask me for this book, not available commercially)
Acts of Faith: Daily Meditations for People of Color (by Iyanla Vanzant)
Where You Go, There You Are (by Jon Kabat-Zinn)
The Sun magazine: personal, political, provocative