How to Love Yourself / Be Alone / Stay Grounded

The topic sent to me today by my soul sister - "How to love yourself / be alone / stay grounded (even if you are in a relationship) - practical things would be helpful"

Juicy, right? Who doesn't want to figure this one out! Well, in some ways I feel like there are different elements to this topic but beautifully connected, so let's just dive in.

How to love yourself

1) There is a self to love. When you meet someone, you begin a process of getting to know them. Then, love may come.  It is the same with the self. To love yourself, you have to take the time to learn yourself, to have space to meet your self. See your self - your whole self. Your whole incredible messy self. An incredible work of human art.

2) A common tragedy on the path of loving someone - we assume we know them and stop noticing them. They adopt a quality of sameness that can contribute to their invisibility or being taken for granted. We do that to ourselves all the time. We have to assume that we are always changing and growing, and there is no static self to know. There is a daily self to spend time with, to allow space for growth and also to witness.

3) Then, when you have indeed learned some things about yourself, they become part of our own identity. They become things we return to. Hopefully, these are positive things we cultivate and not just a quality of sameness, familiarity.  Do those things - read poetry, watch your favorite show, go dancing, play basketball, spend time with your grandma, ride a bicycle, read the news and analyze the hell out of it or cry, do a fashion show from your wardrobe late in the night all by your self, write a book, watch National Geographic / Top Chef, cook yourself a delicious and nutritious meal, go for a walk in the cold sunshine, dance so hard alone at home that you fall to the ground out of breath in total surrender, pray pray pray, sing, use your vibrator, do your laundry like a meditation,.... You know what I'm saying? Do it. Do the things that make you up and put your bits back together. Do at least some of them everyday. And do at least some of them alone everyday.

4) Tell the truth - tell yourself the whole (seemingly) ugly truth. My experience of ungroundedness is that something happens to shake us from our comfort or safety zones. Or we get triggered. So then, we really need to not repress or manage that all by ourselves. On this one, I would say do what feels easier. - telling yourself (out loud, or journalling), or tell God (in your mind or out loud or in prayer), or tell someone you trust, that person who you know will witness and hold but not push. Telling the truth is the beginning of being okay with ourselves and where we are, self-acceptance is the beginning and core of self-love.

5) Pursue joy! For a long time, I pursued emotional work and healing work as an end into itself. But no, that is not the goal, that is the necessary undoing in order to feel our wholeness and freedom. The point of life is to feel and revel in our aliveness. Suffering does that, sure, but we can also simply choose to turn towards positivity and to pursue joy. Life is hardly every complete shit or complete bliss. There's always both going on, and I'm not saying to ignore the crap or pain, but we CAN choose how much energy we spend on each. Pursue the people and places and activities that bring ease and light and laughter in your life - a feeling of fullness and sunshine! Mostly, the environments that allow you to fully be your self - your BEST most happiest and joyous / creative / empowered self - be in those often. When you have come to recognize your self, you are the best person in charge of guiding your self.

6) When you've identified sources of negativity, distance from them - people, places, activities, foods, other substances etc....

7) In the spirit of offering more practical things as requested, I'm going to put this list out there that is an accumulation of lots of other sources of medical and spiritual healing wisdoms, and is actually commonly known but widely disregarded :) These days, I've noticed people don't like to be told what to do. But to not want to know is self-limiting. So, here goes -

• Drink tons of water - start early - count on a post-it and give yourself a gold star when you've hit 8 for the day. Water is 70% of our body and the earth and is core to fluidity and moving through things, and to eliminating toxins
• Move your body - dance, yoga, running, zumba, whatever gets you going
• Sleep whatever amount is enough for you - rest contributes GREATLY to groundedness and clarity and emotional balance
• Eat fruits and vegetables, especially dark leafy greens like kale and collard greens - hormonal balance and other good things. Cook something sexy and simple. Drink something delicious while doing it.
• Listen to music - sound vibrations have a powerful role in changing our body's vibrations and hence energy and mood. No kidding, do not underestimate.
• Smile :) Even when you don't feel like it, try smiling. You might notice your furrowed brow relaxing, and that your cheeks feel good. Ohhh these kissable cheeks!
• Walk barefoot on the earth - floor, grass, concrete, whatever. To ground literally means to ground our energies in the earth, to channel out through our feet what we don't need, and to inhale fresh air and rejuvenating attitudes.
• Try not to look in the mirror much. It focuses us on the external, and we project what we are feeling onto what we see in our body/face. 
• Close your eyes and lie down on the floor - practice letting go by surrendering your body to the ground
• Pray :) connect with the higher being that exists, connect so that you can feel your own divinity that is untouched by chaos
• Do something loving for someone else - make a card for a friend whose birthday is coming up, or divorce. Going outside ourselves and connecting to our loving abilities is extremely powerful and joyous and fulfilling. 
• Use your hands to touch your whole body. You can do this sitting, standing, dancing slowly, laying down - however you're feeling it in that moment. Close your eyes, put both your hands on the crown of your head, move downwards towards your face, soothing and stroking the energy downwards, go all the way down your neck, chest, across your arms, back to belly, pelvis, hips, thighs, knees, legs, feet. Hold your feet and give them a little rub. This body has served you. It serves you daily. Touch it, notice it, feel it, love it back. Do the whole thing again from top to bottom on your backside. For folks who have physical disabilities, or missing limbs, or traumas, or numbness anywhere, love even what is not there or what you cannot touch or feel. Know your inner wholeness. You are intact.   

And finally, to fall in love with your self and to welcome solitude, I recommend Letters by a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. Rilke taught me to not hold solitude within like a sad secret, but to let it hold me like an embrace. It vastly expanded my capacity for alone-ness, and the infinite possibilities it offers.

Update on commitment - I have moments of resentment, I confess. When I was laying in bed with painkillers on a heating pad, I wanted to just switch out the the lights and fall asleep. But this juicy topic sent to me on text caught my attention. And I suppose it gave me a reason and a way to work on my own groundedness, on a day when I needed it. So whether I feel like I know what to say or not, I've commitment to the process of writing and sharing. I don't get to privately figure it out, and doubt myself. I get to just put it out there, the good-enough, right-now version of it. I suppose there's a life lesson there that will really serve me in years to come. And it served me today.