the breakthrough after the breakdown

you've heard of this phenomenon right?

the day after i wrote my last post, i had a breakdown. it was great. i was doing a work task, and as i switched my attention to a new area of work, i felt angsty churning in my stomach and anxiety rising in my body, a whoosh of energy to the top of my head. i wanted it to keep going up so it would whoosh out of me, onwards and upwards. but we all have sturdy skulls and it got stuck! so the intense pressure, i acutely felt myself start to almost hyper ventilate with stress. i had to lie down immediately. except this was not a calm lie down, it was a sudden "face-plant" into my bed. i felt so unable to move through the intense energy takeover of my body, and no brain cells to think about how to use any practices or tools to get through it, to breathe and feel myself. then i started to shake and burst out crying, and planted my face in my hands as the shaking sobbing took over.

i was unstuck!!!

i felt sort of terrible but i also felt soft and human. i could feel my feelings, the burst dam affirmed that i had feelings i had been suppressing for a while (not intentionally). my boo took care of me. in the midst of that kind of release, all my feelings were so clear to me. what had been happening and how i got to my state of overwhelm made a felt sense to me. 

the details of why i was feeling what i was feeling are not so important to share here. what is noticeable to me is the process of how i got unstuck. some observations -

* for a few weeks, i'd been drinking more coffee than usual (meaning, daily!) and watching lots of Netflix (Scandal marathon). i started to realize - i'm checking out. i feel overwhelmed. maybe i have too much going on in life, lots to do.

* i started to notice, sometimes i felt happy and like my life was great. sometimes i felt drained. so, exhaustion was inconsistent, and it wasn't about overall life too-much.

* i didn't try to set any hard rules about stopping coffee or TV, or even cutting back.  i just started to notice more, and slowly, i would have a few sips of coffee and throw the rest because it tasted bad to me. my body started to say, enough. instead of clicking "next" after an episode ended, i would stop and look at the time, or lie down on the yoga mat to get in some somatic awareness time. i liked it. it usually just unlocked the yawns in my body. i started sleeping better. i started dreaming more lucidly, and hence being able to remember my dreams more. nothing significant emerged, but lucidity and memory mattered to me because i know these things have to be in place for me to receive spiritual guidance through deep rest/sleep/the best meditation.

* the previous day, i co-hosted a "creative session" at home with a friend. i knew i wanted to write, and that there were lots of barriers. so i stepped towards writing by creating an environment that helps me write - a fixed time - and inviting buddies into it to practice the intention.

* first i read, relaxed, then i started writing (the previous blog post). it was hard to get through, but i stayed with it. i had faith/a gut feeling that completion was important, even more important that quality of insight or writing.

* after writing or during writing, i laid my head down and confessed to T - i'm struggling. and she instantly stopped what she was doing and said "what's wrong?" then i laid down on a yoga mat and shared my feelings of hardness and stuckness. she asked me good questions like - "is this the kind of thing you need to get away from to recharge yourself, or are you checking out?" i reflected.

* throughout these hours, J and i were texting and it was like she was having divine guidance on what to tell me when. i had angels.

* the next day, when i felt the energy flow rise and overwhelm me (leading to face-plant), i felt acutely aware of what was happening in my body and i immediately responded by getting up and lying down. i didn't try to push through it or shut it down and keep working.

* when i started crying, i recognized it as the release, with relief and gratitude. i didn't make myself stop or contain it, stopping-crying is not equal to feeling-better. i let the misery unfold fully. then i could see it.

* i wrote an email in the middle of that to people i needed to share my true state with, people who needed to know to help support me in making a difference. i wrote a messy and vulnerable email. i sent it while i was still crying. i didn't wait until i stopped and could re-reflect and re-word it in a contained and logical manner.

* i took the rest of the day off work and a) had a date b) went retail therapy c) continued to appreciate my great decisions in taking care of myself / in putting an end to the containment.

* the next day i asked for signs of the next steps. the answer i got was - practice gratitude.

* that next day i also got my period. the release continued.

i'm reflecting on the fact that i've grown in ways that have made me powerfully whole. and at times when i'm struggling, i have enough faith to stay in the struggle. it's not easy, it's extremely uncomfortable. and for a while i thought i was losing the battle and would fail to move through stuckness, forever! yes i have fears like that. i can imagine not much worse spiritually than stagnation, and hence disconnection to self or purpose or path or meaning.

it hasn't all crystallized in a grand "aha!" for me yet either, but i'm just glad everything led up to crying release and insight/awareness of what was going on. my biggest learning is to keep relying on practices that i trust will move me where i need to go. when i don't know the way, it's important to actually use the maps and guides and highlighted routes, including rest stops.