To love yourself, let go

hi all,

it's been a while since i wrote. i've been feeling pretty disconnected from writing, and also from myself.

but then.

i started reading this blog, The Sixth Letter: Food, Fitness, Felines, and Fun in San Francisco. i love it. i'm obsessed with it, reading regularly. i even subscribed. when i did, i made a commitment to read the new posts as they came through. i've been doing that and i noticed how often Liz writes. it's been helping me get through my writing/blogging freeze. to write is just to write. what i'm trying to follow by Liz's modeling is to share things even when they are hard, and not just to share when/after i figure something out. i've just been feeling stuck about so many things.

do you ever notice that when you're feeling stuck, suddenly you start to get the things you need to get unstuck? you might not notice it at first (because stuckness has the quality of being packed too tightly, with no room to take in). but eventually, things keep coming until one hits you in the head, or opens your heart. Liz's blog was one of those things for me. And another one of those things was this much-watched video by Brene Brown on the power of vulnerability.

i've seen this video over a year ago. at the time, i think i felt like this - "well, duh, i know this from my experience as a survivor, and my work in the anti-violence movement around shame." but it's interesting how quickly you can forget things you know, when you're not living them daily or immersed in some other way. so i forgot. Then 2 days ago, i came across it and it struck me like an electric charge to my consciousness.

Brene talks about people either feeling secure about or struggling with a sense of worthiness, of deserving love and having a sense of belonging. this is the heart of it. a sense of our own worth. i don't doubt my worthiness, i thought. but then i started to realize, i do struggle with feeling often like i haven't done enough. the work day is over, but i'm still sending emails. i wanted to work faster than i can. the weekend is over, and i didn't relax enough or go out enough. i didn't make the most of it. my writing session has begun, but it took too long to warm up and get into a rhythm, and then the time was over so it remained unfinished.

These things are connected - feeling worthy for simply being who you are, despite what you do (or don't do). it's so important to feel good about who we are. a really important part of this is loving our imperfections, and loving the ways in which we are messy. in terms of doing stuff and getting enough done, i'm trying to remember that the heart is in the intention and sincere effort. the actual results are a product of surrender and the Universe's help.

Let go. Let go every day, every hour if you need to. Let go of what you thought you were going to do, or should have done. Let go of what you were expecting, let go of what you want. For me, i try to let go by lying down and breathing. it's simple but profound for me. sometimes it makes me realize how tired or sleepy i am, and sometimes it helps me notice what's coming up, what i haven't been able to let go of. that's okay too. Let go of the idea of letting go perfectly. when you can let go of who you wanted to be, you can more freely love who you are now. We are all worth our own unconditional love.