Why I haven't been blogging daily (and yet I still like myself)

Sometimes I feel bad that I made the commitment to blog daily for 2014. Because -

1. It makes me feel like I made a hasty, grand commitment, then forgot about it.

// my inner voice shouts - No! i had (have) a sincere intention, but i've been so overwhelmed and frozen on public writing.

     2.  It was not a SMART goal. Daily blogging?? When I haven't been writing for months??? Clearly not Attainable / Realistic.

// inner voice - well, that's real. Because blogging makes me feel connected to the world, and is a practice that nourishes me, i thought that the early days would be hard but soon i'd get into a groove that would make me feel great and purposeful. but, this sounds like "hindsight is 20/20". So, this is the nature of practice. i learned by doing (or failing to do). 

    3. I should keep my lofty intentions to myself, and when I've manifested them all, then I can proudly reveal to the world!

// inner voice - yeah, right. that sounds SMART (did i mention my inner voice is a funny bitch?). if there's one thing i've learned from Resource Generation and Maya Angelou, it's that nobody, but nobody, can make it out here alone. Sitting in a hole secretly working on big goals is not realistic or a pleasant experience. Fear of public "failure" is what drives that kind of behavior. It's also the pressure that we have no room to fail, or we will be judged and discarded. Our imperfections will become visible. But I am trying to love my imperfections as much as I try to love yours. 

And this, my friends, is why it's helpful to name our fears. I started this post to share with you all where my sincere intention came from, to be accountable to why I haven't been blogging daily. But in writing things out, and giving both my internal judgements and resisting voices equal space, I feel much more grounded in the human effort of it all. I'm trying.

I won't say I'm trying my best yet, but that's the nature of practice too. We try a little, build the muscle, try a little harder, more confidently next time. As you'll see from above, my inner voice got chattier and louder and more confident. So much of writing is not about writing, it's about working out your issues! We all have internal voices that speak judgmentally or lovingly to us, and honestly, the difference is not so stark sometimes. Sometimes we don't know which voice to trust. If you don't know, here's a piece of advice - Do you know what being loved feels like in your body? Try to learn to recognize that feeling. The relaxing, a breath of light that flows, I can feel my heart smile in the same moment that I can feel my toes squirm with energy. I recommend you trust the voice that makes your body open towards the light.

I modify my daily blogging commitment to this - A daily blogging intention. Currently, I'm working out i.e. building the muscle that gets me there. Sometimes that muscle involves writing an email or in my journal, sometimes it require other practices (like lying down, or talking to a friend about the struggle, or crying), and sometimes it requires space and patience (which can look like staring at my blog).