It was my birthday recently and I've never been so un-excited about it. Which is fine, a birthday is a day in a year, it has a place in time and in season and in calendars, so chances are that it's going to more or less reflect the heart-season that the person is in. I've been up and down and medium, so that's how March 13 went too. It also involved birthday surprises (well, 2 kinds of surprises - the ones I liked which was people loving me with hugs and messages and cards/gifts, and the ones I didn't care for which was the terribly cold day and not getting to the things I had wanted to do and the absence of some people and and feeling lost and without purpose in life). I ended the day in faith community, and by that time I was totally distraught and consumed by my mind and feelings. As I sat there in silence listening to the shabads, I felt the concave emptiness in my chest and felt tears bubble up in my closed eyes. I was, at the end of it, once again distracted by cake and singing, fortunately.
Later I decided I didn't care about anything anymore. That was an excellent turning point.
Since the day I realized I don't care about anything and life is meaningless and I may not have a purpose or significance here, BUT since I'm alive and do care about staying alive, I can do whatever the hell I want. No more goals. No more deep seeking. No more anguish. Just have a good day. In each moment, I will not weigh multiple factors like the spiritual and emotional benefits of X action (like withholding coffee) versus the instant gratification of giving into a craving. Nope. No deep thoughts here. The only question is - Will this make me happy right now? Is this what I want to be doing right now? If the answer is yes, I'm going for it!
First I thought about quitting everything. I reflected on my job, but decided to keep it because I like it so much, and I like my coworkers too. It's actually a place that still has good meaning and a clear role for me. Then I thought about other commitments, and decided to feel things out. I decided to keep my volunteer board commitment too, it's extremely inspiring and energizing. I need more of that!
What I'm realizing now is that because of mental blocks, some things get twisted. I like to write and cook and dance and make art and perform, but I hardly do any of those things anymore. So when I have some free time, I think about how I "should" be blogging etc. That kills the joy and creates pressure. But right now, because I only do things I want to, I realized over and over that I still wanted to write and share all this right now.
This has greatly simplified my life.
Obviously, it's going to be harder moving forward because everyday I will still do things I don't want to (like commute), but keep in the mind that the rule is broader than that - I accept some of the things I don't like (i.e. commuting) because I like what I'm going to. Also, nothing is permanent so that takes the pressure off too. I won't have this exact commute forever, just for the coming 15 months. And having things be new and confusing is a great lesson in getting present and focused on "right now".
Coming back to how I felt lost and confused about the meaning of life and my role within the grander scheme of things, the update is - that's still true, and I'm cool with that. It's both okay to be confused, or lost, and it's also okay if I can't relate to grander meaning. Maybe I was always looking too deep and need to be more present-day, and get better at day-to-day living. Life is right now. I am no longer thinking of it as LIFE or Life - Life is no one big thing. It changes too much and perhaps this is loosening my attachment to what I want LIFE to be like. It's shaking up the old ways of doing things, and some of my core beliefs. That's totally ungrounding and chaotic, but perhaps necessary for me right now for something new to emerge.
It's also helping me let go of expectations - of myself and other people. My decision to be happy, no matter what, means I take charge of my day, and I don't depend on others or hold others responsible for how I want to feel or what I want to do. This is freeing.
So, do whatever it takes to have a good day today, and tomorrow.
Later I decided I didn't care about anything anymore. That was an excellent turning point.
Since the day I realized I don't care about anything and life is meaningless and I may not have a purpose or significance here, BUT since I'm alive and do care about staying alive, I can do whatever the hell I want. No more goals. No more deep seeking. No more anguish. Just have a good day. In each moment, I will not weigh multiple factors like the spiritual and emotional benefits of X action (like withholding coffee) versus the instant gratification of giving into a craving. Nope. No deep thoughts here. The only question is - Will this make me happy right now? Is this what I want to be doing right now? If the answer is yes, I'm going for it!
First I thought about quitting everything. I reflected on my job, but decided to keep it because I like it so much, and I like my coworkers too. It's actually a place that still has good meaning and a clear role for me. Then I thought about other commitments, and decided to feel things out. I decided to keep my volunteer board commitment too, it's extremely inspiring and energizing. I need more of that!
What I'm realizing now is that because of mental blocks, some things get twisted. I like to write and cook and dance and make art and perform, but I hardly do any of those things anymore. So when I have some free time, I think about how I "should" be blogging etc. That kills the joy and creates pressure. But right now, because I only do things I want to, I realized over and over that I still wanted to write and share all this right now.
This has greatly simplified my life.
Obviously, it's going to be harder moving forward because everyday I will still do things I don't want to (like commute), but keep in the mind that the rule is broader than that - I accept some of the things I don't like (i.e. commuting) because I like what I'm going to. Also, nothing is permanent so that takes the pressure off too. I won't have this exact commute forever, just for the coming 15 months. And having things be new and confusing is a great lesson in getting present and focused on "right now".
Coming back to how I felt lost and confused about the meaning of life and my role within the grander scheme of things, the update is - that's still true, and I'm cool with that. It's both okay to be confused, or lost, and it's also okay if I can't relate to grander meaning. Maybe I was always looking too deep and need to be more present-day, and get better at day-to-day living. Life is right now. I am no longer thinking of it as LIFE or Life - Life is no one big thing. It changes too much and perhaps this is loosening my attachment to what I want LIFE to be like. It's shaking up the old ways of doing things, and some of my core beliefs. That's totally ungrounding and chaotic, but perhaps necessary for me right now for something new to emerge.
It's also helping me let go of expectations - of myself and other people. My decision to be happy, no matter what, means I take charge of my day, and I don't depend on others or hold others responsible for how I want to feel or what I want to do. This is freeing.
So, do whatever it takes to have a good day today, and tomorrow.
i love this.
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