To Heal is to Reclaim your Essential Self

to heal is to reclaim your essential self.

i have finally come to cherish that i am a goddess of survival.  and i realize it makes me very happy to share the acquired skills and learnings/ wisdoms from my own experiences, that can perhaps shine light on your own path. given this, here's a little update on what i'm upto these days, and what insights it's providing me.

i have been in a period of slowing down, post job resignation. slowing down was scary at first. i wanted to keep going hard, set personal goals and pushing myself to "do something" with my free time. but then, as i was encouraged by people who love me to actually relax and take it easy for a change, and to focus on my own much-needed healing, i surrendered to it. i appreciated the feedback and support, and dove in, at my own slow pace that changes from day to day.

i am sleeping a lot, going to yoga community classes, getting acupuncture and massage treatments, writing and seeing friends. i usually watch an episode of some TV show in the evenings. i look forward to this kind of distraction relaxation time too.

yes, this whole package is as dreamy as it sounds. and i'm super blessed to have the means to access all this healing.  but the line i'm holding for myself (and pushed by my dear brilliant healer friend) is not just to do self-care, but to actually work on healing trauma. this requires therapy, but it also requires being present to when hard feelings come up during the day. because of my free time, i can choose to do anything when hard stuff comes up. i can watch TV, or eat, or avoid in many ways. but the intention of all this space is to actually create a "healing room" emotionally, that can allow pause whenever needed and to actually lean into the discomfort, instead of dealing with it with my usual busy-ness.

to heal is to reclaim your essential self. my essence thrives on joy and being with people, and love and laughter, dancing, singing and praying, cooking and eating festively, playing, and doing exciting fun things physically. so, while i want to immediately do all these things and hence live my version of a happy life, i often don't feel like doing any of it.  that's because wounds become hard places when stuck inside the body, they become scar tissue and pain, from lack of light and love and touch and attention.

so, the reason to pay attention to painful and uncomfortable feelings is to keep everything moving up and out of the body and spirit. when i allow myself to do that, when i work on the actual issues causing me pain, i'm healing from the inside out. it's the complementary act to doing things externally that bring me joy.

in conclusion, i recommend doing both - inner healing + outer activities that make you happy. both of these things can happen partly in solitude, and partly with good company.


Some tips to heal is to reclaim your essential self - 

Part 1) Do an activity. . Sit down comfortably, close your eyes, breathe, put your hands on your heart or on your knees, and think back to some happy, carefree memories as a child. This can be hard to reach for, for some of us, but try. Imagine for a few minutes and float across a few different scenes or young ages, at home, in school, with family, with friends, by yourself, outdoors, indoors etc. Then, when you are ready to open your eyes, write down the words that come up from scenes you saw. Perhaps they are words like sunlight, laughter, daal and rice, my sister.... or a completely different set of words or feeling. Allow all/any words, don't censor. Then, write down a bunch of qualities that you see as your essence - I am ____ (playful, insightful, kind, quirky..... anything!)

Now that you've discovered your essence, you can put this up somewhere, and probably you'll add some things to it in the next few days.

Part 2) Similarly, you can ask some people you know who are close to you and know you well from a variety of life experiences (childhood friends, highschool, college, current friends, former teachers, mentors, coworkers, your health practitioners, yoga teachers, acupuncturist etc.). Ask them - what are the top 3-5 things that come to mind when you think of me? Make this list. Depending on how many people you ask, you may have several lists. Look for the common themes. Do these match your own description of your essence? It doesn't matter if they do or don't. Either way, these are insightful exercises into how you see yourself deeply, and how you show up in the world and are seen by others. Both perspectives are valuable.

Part 3) Choose what you want to cultivate, and identify some activities that will help you do that.  Some of these may be quick and easy (like I want to play more!), or require commitment and deeper work in the longer term (like I want to be kinder, or more patient). Start anywhere, keep it small and focused, and simple to begin with.

Always remember that you are doing this to reclaim/liberate your essential self, which is a powerful act of self-love and freedom.

Lots of love and light in the new year to everyone.

Love means responding

I have a habit of doing too much once I get going. In that zone, I feel like Superwoman. I feel that I can do all the things, and that I must. Then I end up with a splitting headache or back breaking pain.

I could be energized, and do a lot, and when I FEEL something in my body/self, commit to responding. I'm at least as important as everyone else in the world. And I am more responsible for myself than others.

Love means caring about what happens to someone you care about, and responding as best as you can, even when that someone is you.

Challenges can make you Shine

Challenges make life more interesting.

You'll eventually learn that you'll get through the really hard thing, one way or another. You may/probably have a higher stake in one outcome, so you put your weight behind one path. Or perhaps you're too afraid you'll lose/ not get what you want, that you're afraid too care by putting in the effort. What if it's a waste? There is no such thing as time wasted. Or energy. These are infinite and cyclical things that repeat and revolve continuously. There is a flow, but it is always new and old, and it always transforms. Life is in the motion of it.

Not knowing. You could relish this excitement, flutter your gut with anticipation, you could tell everyone, that you care too much so much.

You could also approach this not knowing with apprehension. That's perfectly natural, fear of the unknown makes sense and we all do it. Try not to let it grip you :) The more we surrender to it, the stronger it gets, like a snake wrapped around you that's growing stronger as you grow weaker. Try to remember that nothing is permanent. That's it. {Writing that on the wall or your body may help you remember.}

Life is fun. Yes, there are tragedies past and current traumas unfolding, but we all live joy too. Those moments of time with our loved ones, in dim and sparkly lights, or on a hot beach day, the warmth of a slumber party after the after-party, those are the moments that keep our spark alive. This feeling of LOVE and being connected to other human beings, that is the feeling of joy.

A star. Something that has been dead a long time can forward a shine to the water it has never met. 

"Sweetlife: the intersection of passion and purpose” - sweet green

today i write from where i am. on a plane, with nothing coherent to write about, but infinite time to manifest the intention to write. i could not connect with it at first. i started at paper, pen in hand, for a long time. i wrote a few words restlessly, not feeling much but irritation.

then i read. i read several e-magazines i had saved on my computer a long time. for those of you who write, have you ever noticed that reading inspires writing? for those of you who dance, have you ever noticed that listening to music gets the beat flowing in your body until you move?

reading flowed and i realized i was seeing answers to the unnamed questions that make me restless.

what is my purpose in life?

what is happiness?

i feel peace, and an opening, what do i do now?

i have many passions and talents. what do i pursue?

the theme of the answers was that the heart is the center of life and living, and the heart beats love. even divinity is love, infinite love in every direction. so following my passion is to follow my heart. it is to feel my heart, to slow down to listen to my heart, to respond, to stay present and patient in a dialogue that takes places over years, over a lifetime and then some.

another theme/unspoken-question-answer -  i’ve been yearning for guidance on a nutrition philosophy and action plan. given my body’s sensitivities and needs, what do i eat to nourish my life force? how do i not eat/drink what i’m not supposed to? i hate setting food limitations, after 20+ years of a diet restricted by medication and various treatments. i want to be healthy, but i want to experience and enjoy all of life’s offerings. i’ve also lost my love of cooking and it has become a chore. i want to bring it back. i want to fall in love again and mend our relationship, so it is filled with light and joy in each other’s company. i did receive messages about some next steps - take charge of your own well-being so that you control it not an external force, and try new recipes so that it is exploratory and fun. plus, access support from those who have the right skills and experiences - aka, see a desi nutritionist.

sometimes things feel very complex - like finding one’s life purpose. other things feel challenging - like being a grown woman and feeding yourself nutritious and delicious meals daily. but things are perhaps simpler than they seem - do the one thing that is right in front of you, that would make a huge difference to your quality of life. for me, that sounds like it’s in the food and nutrition realm, so perhaps i’m about to start dating cooking. i’ll try one new thing. if i like it, i’m open to more. plus, it’s always fun to cook with company so hit me up if you’d like to join the party. 

Manhattan to medication to meditation….

We love Manhattan. It’s clear. If one of us has to go on a day off, we tend to make a date of it. Today for me was the gastroenterologist’s office as Tiara headed to yoga, sitting by the fountain at the base of Central Park…..delicious warm kale and quinoa bowl …. looking for parking…. inside the park…..seeing the police and trusting signs…... family conversations on text and story-telling….move-watching……conversations…writing. Here I am, feeling full and incomplete at the same time.

Doc gave me a diet chart / recommendations on how to reduce abdominal pain and discomfort and bloating. The medical system used to frustrate me a lot, even cause intense suffering. While that’s legit and still so many people’s experience, I have come to have a different attitude and approach that is infinitely more bearable. I am now patient and accept that this is steady, ongoing work. I don’t go to see a doctor with all my hopes in one basket, or a prayer-filled heart desperately seeking. Now, I write a POP (my desired outcomes from the visit) and make sure I share them during the meeting. I am better at gleaning relevant information, asking the necessary questions to complete my picture, and balancing my effort with gratitude for all that I am receiving. These days I am especially grateful for a robust health insurance, and going to town on it.

Earlier, I used to get disappointed when tests did not reveal anything because I had no further clarity, but now I see that getting the test done is actually the win. I have eliminated a potential root cause, or additional problem. So every test coming back either negative is a success, or positive adds to clarity and I am feeling so strong and clear and grateful and focused. I’m meeting competent healthcare staff who are also learning and changing from their medical experiences, just like me. So once I’ve eliminated all the options, I’ll be left with so many things still within my power to change – exercise, meditation, nutrition. I read that somewhere recently and it struck a powerful chord. I would also add self-love to that. Perhaps that happens in meditation already, or perhaps it happens through our exercise and nutrition choices. I don’t know, I’ve never been 100% disciplined about any of these.

The only thing I’ve ever had a 100% success rate for, was from the ages of 5 to 20 in taking medication and following medical treatments to the T. I did it out of a sense of conscience, my mom was investing so much heart and energy into my healing, I felt like my body was her body. And it was, it came from her. We are a part of each other. It took me a while to realize this, perhaps until now. We do contract together and bloom together, and there are others attached to our stems and leaves and petals. The family ecosystem breathes as a whole living organism. This family is heart and blood and choice and soul and many generations ago and beyond. This is the heart of the universe.

As I was saying, about medication, so after the age of 21, when I met Guruji, it was over. No more meds for me. And although I’ve even gone back and forth on that too over the years from then until 32/now, I could never again have 100% success rate at any of those life discipline things. The perfectly-following-a-set-of-instructions streak is broken. Who knows, maybe that’s a good thing, something that is my constant imperfection and humanity. And who else know, maybe that’s a terrible thing that I need to spiritually improve upon. I go back and forth.

Maybe I wasn’t perfectly following a set of instructions all that time. What if I was learning necessary anchors for living – routine and surrender? This could be just the mantra I need as I try to rebuild my connection to and practice of yoga.

"Doing" Life

Things are different in today's era. Many of us don't live for the sake of enjoying life.  There's too much going on, and we are always doing too many things.

I have an imagination (which could be very limited and ill-informed) of a previous era where work was a means to an end - gathering life necessities. But now, work often is it's own large life-consuming category. Similarly, technology is not just a means to an end that will help humanity and the quality of life overall, like more precise heart surgery that saves more lives. Now, technology is its own end. Multiple gadgets are created everyday that have no purpose other than creating a new need - like more computer games.

This has greatly affected one of my core needs and enjoyments - relaxing. In my vision, relaxing is a stream of life that we all float in, enjoying each other's company and the beautiful waters and nature surrounding us. But now, relaxing has become another desirable category within which one can do a lot. It has become a space of doing, rather than not-doing. The options may be going to the spa, getting a massage, reading, watching TV etc. But in my life, these things aren't usually integrated. In order to realize my dream of curling up on the recliner with a good book, I will probably/ usually - research new fiction reviews online, order a book from Amazon, wait until it arrives, wait until I'm free to read it, and get life's pressing needs  (cooking, cleaning,  etc.) out of the way before I can finally sit down and give myself that break.

Is it just me? Am I relaxing wrong? Is there anybody out there who is living a more relaxing life while working full-time and cooking and cleaning for yourself? I mean, I don't even have kids or pets! It could be simpler right? And I do live in New York, one of the most, if not the most, manic cities of all.

One of things I've been noticing recently is that relaxing is tied to simplicity. Having less material goods means less things to clean, tidy, organize, or even go through for purging. We went to IKEA today to get a desk and chair for my home office, and I am proud to say we stuck to the list and did not get consumed by all we could become consumers of. That's the materialism that capitalism feeds. More. stuff. to. buy. All the time.

Any other strategies out there for relaxing into oneself, into one's home, into one's community, without it becoming a project with multiple sub-tasks to do?

Poem - Butterfly Heart

Butterfly heart
One that exists because
it went through
Metamorphosis.
Mush and stuff to let go of
Fluttering hard
towards life
towards flight...
Willing to shed
the dead of its skin
towards life
towards flight.